I Want to Protect You, but I Can't

 A note to my son. 

Every morning begins with more bad news. It seems that our world is falling apart bit by bit. A mother delivered her baby in a bomb shelter. Countless mothers are now sending their boys off to a war they did not ask for. Sitting in my living room, completely safe, it’s easy to put my head in the sand and avoid thinking of the atrocities being faced every day. And closer to home, a sweet child found life with bullies too difficult to bear any longer and his mother will never again get to tell him how very loved and valued he was. 

The world you, my son, have been welcomed into is a very broken and dark place. My imagination drifts into all of the sorrow you might face and my heart is breaking for you. 

Right now you don’t have any cares. As long as Mama is there to smile at you, you are happy! You don’t have to think about pain, loss or war. You are existing completely in a place of peace, and I want it to last forever. I get lost in your pretty blue eyes and all my cares and fear drift away too. 

But I know these sweet moments of peace can only last so long. Each stage of your life will bring some pain and some joy. It will be filled with challenges and lessons to be learned. The current challenge of teething feels like a doozy, but this is only just the beginning for you, my little man.

I want to protect you from the cruelties of this world, but I can’t. 

I hope you never experience the discouragement and torture of bullying. But if you do, I pray you will hold on to the truth that you are so very loved. You bring a special light to the world. You are worth being celebrated. Be confident that your Creator put you here for a reason. 

I hope you never experience the heartbreak of betrayal and rejection of a friend. But if you do, I pray you will find the courage to step forward into new friendships. Others will be so blessed to have your sweet smile in their life. Remember that God made you uniquely with special gifts to share. Be the kind of friend that you desperately want and need. 

As our news is full of the devastation of impending war, I desperately hope you never experience being forced to protect those you love. But if you do, my sweet, sweet boy, I pray that you will walk forward boldly and bravely. Protect the weak and vulnerable with everything you have. May you be protected as you protect and shelter others. I pray others will find courage just by being in your presence. Do not let the darkness of the day distract you from the Light who has already won. 

Like every mother does, I wish I could protect you from experiencing any of these moments of pain, sadness, fear, and the unknown. But trials and hardships are how we grow, so I pray you will grow well. I pray that through your pain you will learn compassion and understanding. Learn how to remain soft hearted and loving. I pray you will grow strong in character and faith. Others will learn that they can lean on you because you’ve been through it and made it to the other side. 

You will face hard days with painful moments and difficult choices. That is simply a fact of life. But I pray that when each day arrives you will remember just how dearly loved you are. I pray all these things for you, my love. For as long as I can, I will protect you and hold you close. I will let myself sink into the joy and peace that is enveloped in your cheerful smile and bright eyes. I love you, my precious son. 

Our Adoption Journey - Part Three

Catch up here!

Part One

Part Two

And now the conclusion.

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I couldn’t have imagined our time together going better than it did. The conversation was so comfortable and easygoing. We discussed some important issues, but mostly maintained a relaxed discussion. Our agency mentioned several times how amazed they were that we asked to meet her at our home. They had never had a first meeting at the adoptive home.

 

The expectant mom got to see where this baby could grow up. We gave her the full tour, including walking down the stairs to the creek behind our house. Supper time arrived and we were able to eat outside in the beautiful weather. I was so glad that we were able to show her our normal life. We truly had a great time.

 

The most amazing thing happened as everyone got ready to leave. She told us that she felt even more confident in her decision to place her baby into our care because we had opened our home up to her. My heart felt like it could explode at that moment. We desperately wanted her to know how important it was for us to maintain a relationship, and her words confirmed that hope. It was still such a new thing, but I felt more confident than ever that we could have an open adoption, and we could do it well!

 

Later that night, I was struggling to fall asleep after the excitement when I realized that I needed to turn the ringer of my phone on. The due date was two weeks away but the baby could be born at any time. God must have given me some good intuition because just three hours later, at 2:45am, I got the call from the agency that they had just arrived at the hospital. They laughingly suggested that the walk down to the creek must have been the instigator. While we were still on the phone with the agency, we heard something incredible in the background. Just moments after making it to the hospital, the baby was born! My husband immediately called into the phone saying that he didn’t want to know the gender until we reached the hospital! In utter shock, we grabbed a couple of things and headed out the door for the hour long drive.

Driving an hour down to the hospital at 2:45am

 

Upon arriving at the hospital, we were able to check in with the baby's mom and hang out with her for a while. It was there that she told us it was a boy! When he was three hours old, the hospital allowed us to go see him for the first time. What a crazy whirlwind of emotions. He was absolutely beautiful from head to toe. It seemed so hard to believe that he might be our son!

 

Over the next thirty-six hours we got to hold and feed him and also spend time with his mom. I will cherish that time forever. And then the moment came. While she and his father had chosen us already, there was still paperwork that needed to be signed in order for us to be given guardianship. Up until the moment those papers were signed, his mom had every right and option to change her mind. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I was devastated that adoption was the better option for this sweet mother and son, and yet, I was terrified that it wouldn’t happen and he wouldn’t be our son. It is the cruelest form of joy.

 

Check out the cutest little milk mustache

I will never forget the moment that I received a text from the agency letting us know that his mom had chosen to go through with placing her son with us. It couldn’t be real. We got to see her shortly after and I was so nervous that it would be awkward, but it was such a beautiful moment of gazing at the son the three of us now shared. I reassured her that this moment wasn’t the end of her relationship with him, it was just the beginning.

Each moment we got to spend with our son’s birth mom was precious and so treasured. We quickly became Facebook friends with her and multiple other family members. I’m so grateful that our son will know just how deeply he is loved by family on every side. Every day that we’ve been able to stay in contact with his biological family has added to the beauty of our experience.

Levino with both sides of his family

 

Nearly every day I wake up needing someone to pinch me. Now I get to soak in the beautiful sadness that encompasses every adoption. I’m so sad for him that adoption is something he didn’t choose for himself, but I’m so very grateful that I get to walk through it with him.

 

Our first picture as a family of three

Somehow I still can’t believe that this is real life. That a family chose us and we actually have a child! We never have to wonder again if God’s plan will include parenthood. And now being on this side of adopting, I can see things so much more clearly.

 

If we wouldn’t have gone through those two and a half years of trying to connect by word of mouth, I know we would have signed on with a lower quality agency. I needed those years to realize the value of a consultant. When I found her, her business was still fairly new, and it was amazing that I found her even then. If I hadn’t found our consultant, we would never have heard of this agency. Without the generosity of friends we would never have renewed our home study, so we wouldn’t have signed on with the agency, and wouldn’t have been able to present or be chosen in this case. I believe that if just one of these pieces of our journey had changed, we wouldn’t have our son today.

Levino wearing the first onesie we ever bought

 

So many days I wondered what God was doing. But His plan was so much better than mine. So many little aspects of our adoption story are such tender mercies. Smaller desires that He provided when it wasn’t necessary. Our son is the perfect fit for our family, and I’m so grateful that God kept us on the road to him.

We couldn't be happier!

 

I know with so much confidence that God is good no matter what, but I’m grateful beyond words that He chose to display it by bringing two families together for our son. Our lives will forever be interwoven, and I’m grateful beyond words for this amazing chance to finally be his mom.

Levino Scott,
You are so deeply loved

Our Adoption Journey - Part Two

If you haven't read Part One - Find it here.

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  On December 23rd, 2020, we shared on our adoption Facebook page that we made the difficult decision to not renew our home study in March unless we are matched with an expectant mother by the end of February. We specifically asked people to share that post and the response was enormous. To give some comparison: we had an introductory post that we paid Facebook to share far and wide. We would pay to run the ad every weekend for up to forty dollars, and the best that post ever accomplished was eighty-eight shares. I was truly excited and encouraged that paying for the ad had such a great result.   However, with our post about our decision to let our time run out, we chose to see how it would do without paying anything to advertise it. Within three days the post was shared one hundred and ten times! Facebook estimates that almost eight thousand people saw it in their personal news feed.  These numbers are truly incredible to me. We were completely blown away by the support and hoped it would make all the difference. Sadly, no connection was found through social media.

It is still shocking to me that this post reached so many people

On New Year’s Day, we received a very unexpected call from our consultant. An agency who recently had given us a potential case had specifically asked if we would be open to presenting to a new case. They singled us out! I’ve never heard of that happening. We got to speak with the agency directly and eagerly said we would love to present. It was so wonderful to learn that we do have a local adoption agency that shares our values for expectant family support.

Over the next few weeks, I got to know this agency well as we waited for the mother to make a decision for her child. Ultimately, she chose to parent her baby and I was thrilled for them! Our time was running out now. It seemed our dream was at its end.

No one would have known that we'd just received another "no"

Then late in February, I received a phone call from a friend with a shocking offer. She said that she felt that our journey wasn’t over. If money was standing in the way of us renewing our home study, it would be provided for us. I was dumbfounded by this generous offer. 

We’d been trying diligently to walk through the doors that God was opening, and this was no different. We decided to accept the sweet gift and see what He had in store. Recently, our consultant advised us to sign on with agencies in addition to working with her. We decided to sign on with the agency that we’d just gotten to know and love.

Immediately, they informed us that they were working with an expectant couple that they thought might be a good fit for us. It felt too good to be true! When they sent out the official case, we immediately knew that we wanted to present our profile. From time to time, we would tell our family that we were presenting to a potential case, and this was one of those times. We knew we would have some of our best odds ever, and it felt like this might be our time. If we weren’t chosen with these odds, it felt like it would never happen. We asked them to pray.

Our profile book introduction

We sent in our profile knowing that the expectant family would be looking at it around noon. We knew that it could be hours or days before we found out if we were chosen or not. It seems pretty common practice within the adoption world that if you aren’t chosen you’ll receive an email. But, if you are chosen, you’ll get a phone call. I was getting ready to pick up my mom from the airport around 4:00pm, and needed to fill my tank with gas first. I realized that I’d need to go to the cashier to grab my receipt, so I went to grab my car keys and saw that my phone was ringing. It was our consultant! My heart felt like it fell out of my body. 

I rushed to answer my phone before I missed her and heard her immediately ask if my husband was nearby. Inside my head I was screaming, “There is only one reason she can be calling! This can’t be real.” She said the words I truly doubted I would ever hear, “The expectant mom chose you!” Right there in the gas station, I burst into tears as I confirmed that this was truly happening. To wait for three and a half years, constantly feeling that we weren’t what any expectant couple wanted to suddenly feeling seen by someone I’d never met! I will never forget that moment. 

As soon as I got back into my car I got to make the best phone call to my husband. Was this real life? I still needed to drive to the airport in the middle of my shaking and randomly bursting into tears. My husband sent a text out to our family group message.  “WE ARE CHOSEN!” 

My phone started erupting with messages that I couldn’t wait to read! I called one of my dearest friends with the happiest news and she celebrated in shock with me. Knowing that I was soon to see my mom, I dedicated my time driving to the airport to calling my three sisters to discuss our excitement. Each conversation began with a shared scream of joy. My sisters all had the same sense of overwhelming excitement. This is real, right? We even had a few family members send a text confirming that Mark was not joking. He quickly responded that this truly was happening and we finally had the news we’d been hoping for for years. 

Just the beginning of the text message celebration

I was still shaking intensely and couldn’t help jumping in joy when I first saw my mom. She was the very first person I got to hug after hearing the amazing news. She and I were both speechless for several minutes. She took over driving, thankfully, and I was finally able to see the massive celebration from our extended family. This was the moment we had all prayed for, but weren’t confident would happen. It was incredible. 

Two days later we received our first text from the expectant mother. I was so nervous to talk with her and the expectant father. They quickly put us at ease with amazing conversations about their likes and dislikes, family ancestry, and their desires for their baby. It was amazing all around. We quickly learned how many things we had in common and some of the reasons that they had chosen us. It was the most incredible time. And yet, it was such a confusing emotion to sit in. We longed for this to be our child, but how could we wish that decision on anyone? 

When the day finally came that we got to meet the expectant mom at our home, we were beyond excited and nervous. Would it be awkward? Would she still choose us? Would she decide that we weren’t what she was looking for in parents for her little one?

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To conclude in Part Three!

Our Adoption Journey - Part One

We had nearly given up. We were weeks away from being done. But God wasn’t done with us yet!

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In January 2018, my husband and I started the home study process to try to adopt domestically. In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant fees. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Completing the education requirements for our home study

Despite all of the work it took to get through the process, we managed to get home study approved in just two months! Surely this meant that God was paving the way for a fast match, right? 

Months passed without any match. We had several connections that seemed like great potentials, and yet, still no match. We chose from the beginning to pursue a word of mouth connection, so we made social media accounts and business cards to pass out. It was a long learning process with our pursuit of a personal connection. We ended up changing the name of our social media accounts multiple times in order to better represent ourselves. We drove around to churches and gave them a business card just in case they might have a connection. Eventually, we even hired a social media manager who helped us fine tune our Facebook advertising strategy.

This verse inspired the decision to start preparing our nursery

We finally made a contact that we felt so hopeful about! Things seemed to be headed towards a match when we got the devastating news that the baby had passed away. It was several months later that we had our next real possibility. There were a couple of things that didn’t seem like a great fit, but the reason we were given for us not being chosen was that I was at that time on medication to manage anxiety and depression. It was so demoralizing to feel like no matter what I did, it was my fault we didn’t have children. 

So many days would pass between connections. It was hard not to wonder if we were on the right path! Without fail, the days that I would be at my absolute breaking point would be the day that God brought encouragement! Sometimes it would be the hint of a potential connection and other times it would be a reminder from a friend that we weren’t alone. We had so much support. 

We began with just a rocking chair, bassinet, and a blanket that I made

Another potential came along that we were quite hopeful about! It seemed that we were getting closer to being matched than ever before. And then again, the sweet little one passed away. I knew how common miscarriage was because of my own history of recurrent loss, but this stung in a different way. I struggled against the feeling that every child who had even a potential connection to me was doomed to die. I felt guilty for a baby that wasn’t mine to lose. This feeling was enhanced in the worst way. We made a tentative connection with a mom who was trying to decide between placing her baby for adoption and having an abortion. She chose the abortion. We were devastated. 

Holidays came and went with no evidence or hope of a child’s presence. And still, God brought encouragement every time I was ready to throw in the towel. I would ask Him for a confirmation that we were following His plan instead of our own. He never failed to bring the needed encouragement.

The first onesies we ever bought

For two and a half years, we rode this rollercoaster pursuing a word of mouth connection. We had discussed early on that eventually we would sign on with an agency if we hadn’t adopted yet, but I was still shocked when my husband said he was ready to take that step. Instead of signing on with an agency, I’d learned that we would probably be better off signing with a consultant as they work with multiple agencies and thus have a larger network. This began my search for the right consultant. We had one misstep before we found the consultant for us. She is passionate about ethical adoption, advocating for expectant mothers, and truly helping us as prospective adoptive parents. 

It was a new experience to receive cases with her and know that any case could be our match. But, time and time again, we weren’t chosen. Doubt kept creeping into my mind. Were we truly where God wanted us? Did He instead want us to pursue foster care like so many people suggested? Once again, I asked God for confirmation that we were supposed to be pursuing a private adoption, and He delivered! 

 Matching stuffed animals for both our future child and their birth mom

And still, getting to yet another childless Christmas brought us so low. We had frequently been discussing what our lives would look like if we never had kids. I was beginning to accept that God’s goodness was not dependent on Him making me a mother. He would still be good even if motherhood wasn’t part of His plan for me. It was a hard truth to learn, but it brought me so much peace. I was able to say more confidently than ever, “Your will be done.”

Another year, another Christmas without a baby

We knew our home study was set to expire in March 2021, just a few short months away, and we made the decision to not renew it for the third time. We asked for one last push on social media for a word of mouth connection. We prayed that God would work a miracle. 

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To be continued in Part Two

"Just Adopt"

There are so few people in our world that actually have a grasp on how difficult this journey has been. Part of me is obviously happy that they haven’t had to deal with this, while the other part of me is so jealous. So many people will say “just adopt” when they hear of a couple with infertility. There is no “just adopt”. For us adoption has been one of the hardest things we’ve ever dealt with. 

In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant bills. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Once we were home study approved we started a facebook page where every single word, thought, picture, etc. would be judged by strangers. A page that would seem to be moving in the right direction only to stall out. And then we added an instagram page where we were introduced to scammer after scammer. Then we paid to host a profile on a leading adoption networking site and had absolutely zero interaction. Then we used the amazing skills of our brother-in-law to make our own website which has resulted primarily in spam emails. Then we started promoting our facebook page and seeing some more interaction but still no matches. The next step was obvious, and we hired someone to help us manage our facebook page. This led to more and more interaction but not a single true possibility. And that finally led us to working with our consultant. We have had significantly more opportunities and possibilities that still have not led us to a match. And every single step along this journey has cost money, time, mental energy, emotional energy, and the ability to hope. The cost has been so high.

Pursuing a word of mouth adoption means that everyone knows that we are in this process. Sometimes this is great, and I love being reminded that we aren’t on this journey alone. And yet, there are the bad days where I simply don’t even want to think of the heartbreak we’re enduring and it is then that the questions and comments just frustrate and upset me. Unfortunately, there is no way for innocent bystanders to know if they happen to be asking on a good day or a bad day, so I do apologize for the days that I have a sore attitude about life. 

I’m finding myself in a strange emotional conundrum. Half of me remains hopeful that one way or another we will eventually have children. But the other half of me is seeing my hope dwindle farther and farther away. My heart feels heavy with this burden. The exhaustion of being on this path for almost three full years is beginning to feel like too much. Perhaps this exhaustion is only for a short duration. Or maybe this exhaustion will only continue to grow and permeate every inch of our lives til we reach the point of saying we’re done, we can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know how many times I have begged God for a sign that we are still going in the correct direction, but each time, He has provided an encouragement that we’re where we need to be. We could really use some encouragement now. If adoption is not what God has for us, then I’d rather not adopt, but having some clear direction would be helpful. I believe that there are moments of life where God has multiple paths we can take and none of them are the definitive “right” path. And it feels like we are at one of those crossroads. There are no hard no’s or hard yes’s, just lots of maybe’s. It is to the point that we would both like someone else to make some of these decisions. 

We want clear answers from God, but that isn’t always how He works. We have multiple options for pursuing a family laying ahead of us. One of the most frequent questions we’ve gotten is if we’ve “thought about foster care”. I think I can speak for the majority of the infertility community when I say you don’t need to ask if we’ve “thought about X option”, because I can assure you we’ve already thought about it more times than we can count. And still, every single time I think and consider pursuing foster care, I come back to the conclusion that now is not the right time. There is no peace in my heart with the idea of going into foster care right now. 

I’m not sure what we are supposed to do. I don’t know that we will continue to pursue adoption long term. I don’t know if we’ll continue to pursue having any children long term. I don’t know if we’ll find out tomorrow that we will be parents. I don’t know if we will end up adopting through foster care. I simply don’t know much of anything right now. All I do know is that despite my emotional and mental exhaustion, this will only be for a season. Someday I will know the answer to all those questions. And until I learn those answers, I can choose to step into each day with the goal of seeking God more than I did today. I can choose to stop trying to control the things that are uncontrollable. I can choose to take one day at a time, and make decisions as they come flying at us. I can choose to place some issues on the back burner. I can choose to protect my heart from continued hurts. As much as I hate it, I can choose to live in patience that God has a plan that is better than my plan could ever be. 

In His Time

In just three days it will be our 8 year wedding anniversary. That we would be at this point, with no earthly children, was unimaginable. For as long as I can remember, it has been my dream to be done bearing children by age 30. Yet, as my 30th birthday is only a few months away, I know it’ll take a miraculous adoption in order to have any children, much less be done having kids by 30. It is disappointing to be sure, but I recently read something that encouraged me so much! I have brought up this point in so many conversations lately, and I’m so grateful for the perspective change! For the past few weeks I’ve wondered where I heard this story, but I finally found it tonight and had to share it!

One Sunday morning, a pastor at her church preached about the passage in Esther 4:14 where Esther’s uncle says to her, “You were born for such a time as this.” This pastor explained that God had specific purposes for the times his own children were born – that the Lord had already prepared in advance the people they would meet, the world events they would be part of, and the specific moments in which God intended to use them. Michelle left the service that day realizing that it wasn’t just about her getting pregnant, it was about what God had planned for her child.— 

When Infertility Books Aren’t Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility 

by Betsy Herman 

It seems like such a simple idea, but it’s radically changed my heart. My children will be born for a specific time. Whether biological, adopted, in two months, or ten years, I know that my children will serve a purpose in God’s plan. How can I rightly ask or expect God to bring them to me before their time is here? That would be entirely selfish of me. As much as I long for children, I long even more for my future children to have a greater purpose, as so many of the children post infertility in the Bible were eventually seen to have.

He has given us so much encouragement that we will be parents one day. Do I wish that day was five years ago? Of course. But I know that every day of our wait will be worth it. God is using this time to change and grow us into the best parents for the children He will entrust to us. 

It’s truly amazing to me just how deeply my patience has been affected for the good. The peace I feel right now is incalculable and I pray that God will continue to renew that peace in me, especially on the hard days. He has never ceased to be good to me, and I have utmost confidence in His unchanging character. 

Choices

Choices. There are too many of them. For most young couples considering a family, the choice is simple: biological. But when pursuing biological children isn’t easy, then what? Adoption? Surrogacy? IVF? Embryo adoption? Then you can break adoption down even further to domestic infant, international, and foster to adopt!

Do you focus on one route at a time? Two? Three? How many options are you capable of juggling at the same time? There are simply too many choices. 

When we started the adoption process two years ago, our initial tasks included determining what situations we were open to seeing. Even more choices to pick. 

This entire process to become parents has been inundated with choices, and I think it almost gives us a false sense of control. But the truth is we have zero control. We can try to help it along, but we can’t control the end result. We can’t force a pregnancy to happen or last. We can’t manage our social media so that just the right person sees it. And we wouldn’t be able to change the outcome of reunification goals in foster care. We can’t control our desire to be parents, and it’s really hard. 

Social media has been especially hard, I think. How much should we share, and when does it become too much? How do we accurately  portray our personalities and characters through pictures and printed words? What is the best way to describe that our life may not be adventurous, but is safe, loving, and good? How do you promote yourself when you feel there is nothing new to say?

Every day there are choices, some are more difficult than others. While we still continue pursuing children, what choice will we make in how we live our lives? The choice God has been impressing on me is giving up my idea of control. Every day, I need to choose to give up the fist grip I have over our lives. I need to trust that God is so beyond capable of fulfilling every one of our dreams and desires. And every day I need to make the choice to pursue God first. He is the choice that will never end, every other choice will pass away. 

Having so many choices is difficult, exhausting, and emotional...but God is bigger.

A Daughter Named Hope

I’m so excited to share this experience with you all! Are you ready?

On March 28th of this year, I had a dream. In the dream, I had a daughter! She was so perfect! She was about 18 months old. The dream was completely joyful! 

I woke up from this amazing dream feeling so sad. I long for a daughter. Everything within me longs for a daughter. It was a hard reminder of what I didn’t have. I did share the dream with a friend and ask her to be praying specifically for me and this dream. 

Fast forward to September. I saw a Facebook post from Waiting for Baby Bird, an infertility support group I love! The post was asking what is one word that I would use to describe August, and what is one word I felt God was giving me for September. Immediately, the word “Hope” came to mind! 

How exciting to feel like God told me specifically to Hope! So I hoped and hoped for something amazing to happen. I assumed that the word “Hope” meant we could be hopeful in our efforts to build our family. Each day of September slipped by and with each day my frustration grew!

Why would You give me the word “Hope” if You weren’t going to move? You know how hard it is for me to hope! Why would You tell me to hope only to crush me?

I spoke with a few friends about my near hatred of the word “Hope” after this crushing month. I knew that God is still good, but I was bitterly disappointed.

About a week later, a new friend messaged me that she had written a letter for me. She commented that she was nervous to give it to me, but felt strongly that God wanted me to hear the words.

Several days later I finally saw her and received the letter. As I read it I burst into tears. You see, she is truly a new friend. She doesn’t know much of my story. She doesn’t know how deeply I long for a daughter. She didn’t know that I had a dream about a daughter. She didn’t know any of these things! And that is how I feel so confident that she was truly hearing from God!

Her letter started off with general encouragement, including the push to hold on to the God-given word “Hope”. But then this is what came next, and it completely broke me.

“In the stillness of the day I felt Him say that you will have a daughter, and you are to give her the name Hope. I know not how or when she will come into your life, but I believe she will.”

Amazing! Absolutely amazing! Immediately, I remembered the dream I’d had in March and had to share this with the same friend! I’m so glad I still have our messages from back then! 

It was such a fun thing to share this God story with both sides of our family and close friends. They all felt very similarly, that this was a legit word from God for us. How very exciting! 

It was a week later at church when God moved again! I wasn’t feeling well, so I went to stand in the back by a close friend. She instinctively held my hand as they closed the sermon with prayer. She looked at me and just said confidently, “never ending Hope!” I just smiled and started sharing my story with her and another friend! 

When God moves, I can’t stop talking about it! So as I excitedly told them about my letter and the culmination of having a daughter named Hope my friend started to freak out! I wasn’t sure what was going on, but she was beyond words from my story. And then she told me that moments ago when she was holding my hand during prayer, she had one thing running through her mind: 

“A daughter named Hope! A daughter named Hope!”

She couldn’t believe it! I was jumping with joy and excitement! Our God is SO good! He has confirmed His word over and over again. I’m over the moon with His goodness. 

While I was sitting there, completely angry with Him, He was working to speak to me

through His own daughters. It takes a lot of courage to speak out something like that. I’m so glad that they did share with me. 

Just like the letter, I also don’t know how or when I will hold my Hope in my arms, but I have so much confidence that someday, I will have my sweet Hope.

Her Tree of Life (3/3)

You can check out part one - here!

Check out part two - here!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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Names have had a large role in my story, and it just continues with this little boy that we were able to adopt. He came to us with a name (we'll call him JC) that means 'fair or righteous', but God had given us a different name years ago. JC was 4 years old when he actually wanted us to call him by a new name! The name he wanted us to call him was only 1 letter off from the name God had shown us long before! After much discussion and prayer, we did legally change his name from JC to JM. His new name means "Yahweh is God" and "Who is like God?" 

We ended up doing foster care for 16 years, and had around 25 kids in and out of our home. During that time, we had two young ladies ask us to adopt their baby. The first was another little boy who we had in our home before he eventually went back to his mother, and the second was a little girl that we were able to see at the hospital. Her mother also decided that she wanted to mother her little girl. We were fortunate to have so many things ready for these two little ones that we were able to bless their moms and help them get started. It hurts. You know we longed for, and prayed for these children. But thank You for letting us bless them.

I was 40 years old, and C had really great health insurance, so we decided to try for another pregnancy. Because of our infertility journey, we decided to do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) one time. We were adamant that any and all fertilized eggs would be implanted and given a chance to grow. Our doctors were shocked when we had 5 fertilized eggs to use. So we had all 5 eggs placed inside me, and as I lay there waiting for this procedure, I started naming our little ones. Sadly our attempt for IVF did not take, and we added to our numbers of lost children:

N-- (my aborted son)

Noah (our ectopic loss)

Oliver (IVF)

Olivia (IVF)

Chad (IVF)

Lucy (IVF)

Luke (IVF) 

Plus our multiple potential adoptions that fell through. 

At the age of 37, we were chosen to parent our son, JM, but the desire of motherhood just wouldn't leave. The desire wasn't satisfied. I cried out to God and asked Him to take away this desire to be a mother. I wouldn't have given you this desire if I wasn't going to fulfill it. Doing foster care was something I was passionate about, and I really feel like God gave me such a desire for motherhood to give me the ability to love on other people's children. I loved being there to support these little kids and their families, and show them what being in a family is really like. You see these moments? These precious exchanges with My children? This is what you were made to do.

Years later, we had a little one staying with us through foster care who we were on track to adopt, but despite every circumstance being against the decision, the judge decided to send that little boy back to his biological family. It was our third adoption that fell through. I'm 45...I'm tired. Going back and forth with hope and loss is too hard. Let's just be grateful for our one son and be done!  

Then we got this call asking if we would be open to taking another baby in foster care. His situation was more precarious and they needed to find a foster home for him that day. I called C at work and he just asked me if I wanted another baby. I'm tired, and this is so hard, but yes! I still want a baby! We decided to say yes! I was able to bring this little baby with me to my job as a coordinator at Hope Pregnancy Center. There was a girl at the Center who enjoyed taking pictures, and she just happened to get a picture of the first time I kissed this little boy who was just two days old. He went from having this scrunched up face to completely relaxing in my arms. Have you been waiting for me, little one?

It turned out that this little guy would have special needs. We definitely didn't want him to go through foster care to struggle more than he already was. Our family of three prayed together and agreed that this baby was supposed to be in our family. We ended up adopting him at 1.5 years old. He came to us with no name, and so I asked C about naming our new son N-- that means "Gift of God" just like my N- that I aborted. They had told me that my baby would have had special needs because of all the drugs I'd been taking. You've given me a second chance. I know that You have my N-- with You, and he would have had special needs. Thank you for giving me another son like him.

When you walk the road with a special needs kid, it is a totally different journey. You see things so differently. It's been a beautiful life with him, but hard… very hard. I believe God took all that time to get me ready to have our two sons. God has given abundant grace to our family. JM is a successful adult who is soon to be married. And N-- is now 20 years old and doing so well! He still struggles, but lives in a wonderful group home and has a job. We are so proud of them both!

I went through many dark times, after my abortion and motorcycle accident. I didn't want to look back on those experiences. I wanted to stay numb. It all just hurt too badly. When God got a hold of me, He showed me that I needed to give up all of those painful things. As each memory popped up, I needed to give that over to God. He walked me through each of those hard memories to bring me healing. 

Do you have a desire that you feel is a gift from God, but there's no sign of that desire being fulfilled? Are you struggling to hold onto hope? If God put that desire in your heart, He put it there to fulfill it. It might not look like what you are expecting. It might not be the plan you have. It could be mothering foster children, or other women going through trials. If He has given you a desire, He put it there to fulfill it. He just asks us to be open to how He would fulfill it. It isn't always "happily married, now we have a baby… everything is going as planned." It isn't always like that. You need to be open to His plan for you! His plan is uniquely perfect for YOU. Each and every plan is individual for each and every one of us. 

A man’s heart plans his way,

But the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Just remember that you don’t want anything unless God also wants that for you. It won’t be worth it if God isn’t in it. Pray for His will in this journey that you are on. I prayed for God to take my desire away and He actually increased it. I truly believe that it was to get one son at 37, another son with special needs at the age of 45, and to mother many foster children. There is nothing that compares to the joy I’ve experienced knowing that God has got this, and that I am following His plan for my life. You aren’t alone here. You don’t need to make things happen. God has got this! He is walking beside you just waiting to show you what is in store. Will you walk with Him no matter how long it takes? I can’t wait to see how God shows you His glorious plan for your life!

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If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

Her Tree of Life (2/3)

If you missed the first part of her story, you can read it here!!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I felt like I was going to vomit. Every fiber of me was struggling. If I get up, everyone will know what I've done. If I start crying, they'll know...I don't want anyone to know. So I sat there panicked, feeling like I was going to explode with all of the emotions.

Having the kind of God we have… He thought of every little detail to bring healing. The event seemed to last forever but it was finally over and I was anxious to leave, but a different little old lady came over to me and hugged me. I never had anyone who truly comforted me like that, and I bawled like a baby. She told me that God had moved her to come over and pray with me about my aborted baby. I continued to cry. Right then and there, the emotions I'd been stuffing started coming out. I asked for forgiveness, and she forgave me for the body of Christ. And she said that God wanted me to ask Him about my baby: whether it was a boy or girl, and what their name was! I was scared to ask, but God answered me. N--... a son. I have a son. I went home and immediately looked up the name N--, and it meant "Gift of God". God orchestrated each moment to bring me to a place where I could truly start to grieve, heal, and accept His forgiveness for the shame and regret I felt.

The same year, I was cooking when I suddenly had extreme pain in my side. I sat in the bathroom unable to move. Please God, send him home soon to help me! My husband did arrive home early, prayed over me, and after some discussion he said he thought I was pregnant but was very concerned that something was wrong! We went into the hospital, and sure enough, my test was positive. I was pregnant again, but this time something was wrong. I ended up in surgery where they discovered that my baby had implanted onto my ovary. The baby did not survive the procedure.  

We went to a doctor to find a solution to our infertility. He was adamant that he perform a major surgery in order to give us a 10% chance. God gave us both a lack of peace. We had the surgery scheduled, but C and I both knew at the last minute that it wasn't the right choice. We chose not to proceed, despite the wishes of the doctor and our family. We later learned that the doctor we were going to work with had ended up facing many lawsuits for malpractice. God spared us from that. 

Underneath all of this was an undying yearning to be a mother. C and I were not in agreement on pursuing adoption, so we continued to wait. I had a dear friend who was also struggling with infertility. One day she visited me in tears, not sure how to tell me that she was finally pregnant, knowing that I wasn't pregnant. She sought the Lord on my behalf and she felt like God had just given her a picture of a big baby boy with dark hair that would one day be our son. Right then and there, I knew I didn't want anyone else to feel horrible around me because they had a child when I had none.

We'd lived in Seattle for about 5 years, and I knew I didn't want to live there long term. God, You know my desire to live closer to family. Please show him Your will and I will follow. C came home and he told me that he just felt like we were supposed to move back to Minnesota.

Shortly before we made the decision to move, I'd had my first good dream after years of nightmares. In the dream I saw this large fireplace with granite all around it. There were a bunch of weeds that I had to lift away, and as I lifted the weeds, a black dog ran out with and joined our other black dog, and then a little boy came out. He had very dark hair, and he was crying. In the dream I held him and started crying. Why are you crying?  He told me that he was waiting. I held him tight and felt this unbelievable love for him. He's waiting for me! I was so excited to share this dream with C, and we both just knew that one day we would have a son.

We had a pastor who encouraged us to really seek the Holy Spirit, so I prayed for God to show me where we were supposed to live. As I was praying, I felt that God was putting the words "white" and "Indian reservation" on my mind. Are You calling us to be missionaries at an Indian reservation? I was looking at a map, and God just showed me this rectangular area on it and there was an Indian reservation within the rectangle call White Earth. We agreed to look in this area for our home. We went to Minnesota and starting looking at homes within this rectangle that I had seen. It had been days, but we weren't finding anything. Am I just going nuts? Did I really see God show me this area, or was it just my imagination? On our last day of vacation, we saw a sign in front of a realtor office, and it said "log cabin on 90 acres". We decided to check it out, just in case. The realtor just happened to be there and brought us right out to the cabin. As we opened the door, I saw it. It was the fireplace from my dream. I had goosebumps! I whispered in my husband’s ear that this was my dream fireplace, and we both knew this is where we were supposed to be. God! You did it! You brought us exactly to the place You wanted. 

We went back to Seattle and prayed about how much to offer for the cabin in the woods. Gratefully, they accepted our offer, so we now owned this place that was the fulfillment of my dream. I later realized that the location of our cabin was exactly in the middle of the rectangle I'd seen on the map. God, You are too good!

As we drove the moving van and our vehicle from Seattle to Minnesota, I was praying and God just gave me a song. For He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. So I will delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. For He is the one that has put them there, only to fulfill them.(Psalms 113:9,37:4) I sang the rest of the way.  

As we got settled in our new home, we found a church to attend and started getting involved. One of the things I did was lead the teen girls Sunday school class. Once a month, I'd have someone from the church come speak to the girls and share their testimony. One Sunday, the person I'd arranged for, couldn't make it to church, so the girls asked me to share my testimony. I shared about how God had brought us to this place. There was a girl in my class at the time. She was 16 and living in a foster home and she was pregnant. She and I connected before and after her baby was born. She would tell me how much the baby missed me, and whenever I would hold her baby, he would just snuggle into me. God, help me! I've never felt this desire before. I've never wanted someone else's child. 

For seven months, his precious mom struggled with not really knowing how, or if she wanted to parent. She ended up speaking with our pastor and asked him to include us in the situation. She wanted us to parent her little one. Thank you, God! You worked every piece into place for this moment. This little boy just happened to have really dark hair. It was a long journey, but at the age of 18 months, he was officially ours and we were beyond thrilled. We now had a big baby boy with dark hair. Thank you, Lord! We were completely bonded and in love with each other. We had been married for ten years, and to have this fulfilment of all the words and the dream God had given us about this son... it was just like the heavens had opened up above us to give us this precious gift. Is there anything sweeter than receiving a promise from God and seeing it come to pass. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

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Check out the last segment of her story -- Here!

If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.