A lesson in Patience

Oh the horribly long lesson in patience. :P I think I've always struggled with patience (who doesn't really?). But it has been in the last 6 months or so that patience has been my constant argument with God. He has been patient with me, but I'm afraid I was never very patient with Him. I heard once that if you ask God for something, instead of just giving it to you, He'll give you the opportunity to grow in it. So, while I continued to ask for patience, He continually gave me situations I had no choice but to be patient in.

I could tell you of pretty much every situation in my most recent past that has heavily required my patience. Oh how many things I have waited for, and am still waiting on. But, that's not the point of this post. A verse that has come up in various conversations lately is Jeremiah 29:11 -

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Oh the many times I've recited that verse and never really looked at what it said. Did you read it more carefully than I have in the past? It says right there that God has a plan for our lives. Our individual lives are not to complicated or too overwhelming for God to have control in every situation. But not only does He have plans... He has good plans for us. Better plans than we could ever bring about. But so often I like to steal the reigns out of God's hands and try to drive the buggy myself! Let's just say..that never goes very well. And yet He shows His magnificent character even more by being patient with me, and bringing me to a place where I am happy to give the reigns back to Him.

So, one of the biggest issues has been my unemployment. It has been stressful personally, and in pretty much every other major situation in my life.  I had the three months in Ohio where I half-heartedly looked for a temporary job, but then coming back to the Windy City, I thought for sure, I could get a job right away. In my all-knowing wisdom, it was quite apparent that everyone would be anxious to hire me as soon as I crossed the state border. *cough* That didn't go so well either. To be honest, I knew I didn't have much to recommend myself to a new employer, but I did feel I wouldn't have any issues.

Then with having the miscarriage I kinda put looking for a job on hold. I was grateful for a little time to adjust to being back home and allow my body the chance to get back to normal. But that didn't last too long. So the job hunt began. I looked and submitted applications time and time again. I had personal connections that seemed like I'd be a shoe-in for the job, and nothing happened. So many times I just knew that was the job for me...but I never got the job. This was very discouraging.

All this time, I had something against working with a temp agency. I just would not do it! I had no reason to dislike them, but I felt no peace in contacting them. Until one day I saw an ad for a bank position that I had to apply through an agency to even be considered! This was an agency I'd never heard of before (or so I thought), but for the first time I actually felt excited about working with them. ( I later found out that they were the same temp agency that two of my good friends have worked with and had told me about. whoops! :P)

So I put my application in with them, and they thought I'd be a perfect fit for that bank job. I even had two interviews for it, but again, I didn't get the job. I feel it was at this point that I just gave up any control I had over this situation. Apparently nothing I was doing was really helping. So I just let go of the reigns and waited to see what would happen with the agency (which I really like, btw).

It was maybe the next day or two that I got a call from them about a temp job working in an office as a receptionist while the full-time worker was on medical leave. I agreed immediately to do it with the understanding it would last about 3 weeks. My first week I was pretty nervous because it was something I'd never done before. It didn't take long to get to know the ladies in the office and to get comfortable in my situation. My only concern was that it would only last those 3 weeks, because I didn't know what I would do when they were done.

Well, I'm still working in that office, and now it's my fifth week with them. I'm so incredibly thankful to be working here because I have learned so much, and my confidence has grown incredibly. And I had to learn to be flexible because I've never known how long I would be here for sure.

Well, just about a week ago, I went to the bank to cash a check and saw a posting that they were hiring. (btw, a bank job has been my primary goal) I was actually able to speak with the branch manager while I was there and essentially gave him my verbal cover letter, and it went really well. And the thought came to me, wouldn't it just be something if I got the one job I just stumbled across?

I went back for an official interview a few days later and it was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed my time with them, and I felt (for the first time) that I nailed the interview! And the next morning they confirmed it by actually offering me the job! I cannot express how excited I was to get that call! It was amazing. For a long time I'd been in a place where I couldn't even imagine getting that phone call from anyone. But here it was, the phone call I'd been waiting for...a job at a bank..the bank I've used for years...close to my husband's job...in a smaller branch...with medical benefits..30 hours a week...and a flexible schedule. Basically, in every word - perfect. I couldn't have picked a better position if I'd be actively looking for it. Granted, I haven't started there yet, so there's still that hurdle to cross, but I am so excited! I already feel comfortable with the people I know there, and I am confident that I will fit in.

And to top it all off, I just got word today that the receptionist is going to try coming back next week for a few hours each day, and then completely the next week. And what do you know, that fits exactly to when I'll be starting at the bank. I'm just amazed at how God has worked everything out to the most minute detail. And here I was complaining to Him about my frustration, but He truly did have the best plan worked out. I am grateful for the job I've had here, and I'm beyond grateful for the opportunity I now have to work at a bank. Obviously, I could keep talking about this because I'm just that excited, but I'll leave this as a "short" story...rather than a real novel. :P

Rachel: Loss Turned to Gain

So, I have been thinking for quite a while about how I want to share this experience.  It is not an easy one to share, but I hope that God can use my story to bless someone else.  Maybe you have gone through the same struggle and you feel alone.  Hopefully my story will remind you that you are not alone in this at all.

A few months ago, I posted "Names" and "Name's Part Two" and discussed the importance of names in the Bible and also today. I shared stories of a friend of mine, and now I’ll share her last story.

My friend has several babies in heaven right now. Eventually it was adoption that gave them children. With her first baby gone to heaven, something special happened. She was at a Bible study when a stranger came up to her and told her that my friend needed to ask God what the gender and name was for her baby who was with Him. And that’s what my friend did. She asked, and she received.  Immediately, a name came to her mind, and this name has more significance in her life than I can tell you. But this is the story that leads to my story.

Many people probably don’t know this, but I have a baby up in heaven too. As it was, I barely had any time to be pregnant before I lost it. The pain I felt was the worst heart ache I have ever endured.  I didn’t know why then, but I think God allowed it and has been working through it to bless others already.  I didn’t know how to handle my loss.  To many people I’ve told, my loss hasn’t felt real to them because they never even knew I was pregnant. I can understand why it would be hard, but their unbelief just killed me. I needed them to know my pain, and they just couldn’t understand it.

Just like with any tragedy, or awkward situation, I had so many people trying to comfort me who were actually making me angry and upset by their careless words. There are still phrases that get me upset that people believe to be encouraging. One phrase that really got to me was “Don’t worry, you’ll see your baby in Heaven one day.”  I wanted to argue that they couldn’t know that for fact. I wanted to see my baby one day but the problem was this: I didn’t want to be encouraged. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to be emotionally distant. I didn’t want to build my hopes up for my future children just to have them dashed to the ground. It was a very difficult time for me (and still is sometimes).

But here’s where my friend’s story comes in to play. About two months after my miscarriage, I was just thinking about my baby when I remembered my friend’s story.  I was nervous to ask God those questions, but I figured I had nothing to lose. My biggest concern was it would just me talking to myself..making something up to help me feel better..not an answer from God.  But I asked anyway. I asked God what my baby’s name was. Immediately, I got a name: Rachel.  I was almost surprised that a name came that quickly! 

My concerns were taken away with that name, because I’ve never once considered naming my child Rachel. (Now if Eliana Mae came to mind, I’d know it was just me. :P) I looked up the meaning of Rachel right away. I was so curious because the name my friend had gotten was so significant. So I looked it up and Rachel means…sheep. Frankly I was disappointed.  It’s a beautiful name, but “sheep”? Really? But then the thought came to me. My baby is still innocent as a lamb and she will always be safe because she is already with her Shepherd.  A friend later reminded me that in Hebrew, words with “El” in them have the word “God” in them, so in my case, my daughter is God’s lamb. I really like that imagery. God loves her and has claimed her as His own.

That was such a comfort to me. It was in that moment that I truly understood that my baby is in Heaven. Our God loved her so much that He has given her a name. He allowed me to be her mom on earth for a short time, but now I will always be a mother. I may not have the physical proof of carrying a toddler around, but I am a mother, and no one can take that away from me.

One of the things I’ve learned in this process is how silence makes the thing we’re struggling with more powerful.  When I first was telling people about my miscarriage, it was so difficult and I could never get through the conversation without crying. Of course, crying isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not most wonderful thing if you’ve been crying all day like I was. Anyway, at first I didn’t know how to tell people. Bringing up the subject was awkward. It’s almost like the word ‘miscarriage’ is taboo.  The longer we don’t share our hurt with others, the harder it is going to be to overcome it.

Thank the Lord, there is a great community of people I’ve gotten to know who can relate to my pain. Of course I would never wish this upon anyone (on myself either), but I am so grateful to see how God is using this circumstance.  Through it I’ve been able to help friends begin the healing process, I’ve been able to help other friends understand better what I (and so many other women) am going through, and I’ve learned a whole new level of compassion.  A friend of mine had a miscarriage a few months before I did. I was so sorry for her then, but now I truly can understand her pain, and we’ve been able to talk with each other about it. That alone is a huge blessing. 

Though no one can see a physical change in me, I have changed in so many ways. Now I have a hurt that goes beyond words, but I also have the joy of being a mom.  I have the comfort of knowing another aspect of God’s incredible love for us.  One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that I lost her so early in the pregnancy that it would have been very possible to not even know I’d been pregnant, but I feel like God wanted me to know that. I wasn’t entirely happy about that at first, because if I wouldn’t have known I wouldn’t be feeling such pain. But now I’m so glad I know about my little girl. I may not be able to hold her in my arms, but I hold her in my heart. And I know that she is forever safe in my Father’s arms. That is truly all a mom could ever ask.

The art I asked my friend at Slightly Sprightly to make for me.