I was more prepared this year. The emotional battle of December made the beginning of Connor’s pregnancy season feel like a breeze, but now the end is here. My therapist likes to say that these hard dates feel like they are coming for you. You don’t just casually get to walk past them, they reach out and snap at you. (Are you picturing a dog fight like I am? So much Cesar Millan!!)
But that’s truly how it feels. Just this year I was ready for it! My therapist also asked me what I could do during this time to actively honor Connor and the rest of my kids. One of the biggest things that has helped me was that I was able to thank the person who saw me at my worst and helped me see that I needed help. I truthfully don’t know if I’d be here without her guidance. It definitely was one of the most meaningful presents that I’ve given. Along with that, I’ve been able to continue making angel charms for losses among my friends. I’ve worn my memorial scrub hats on the days I’ve struggled more. I’ve sung more. I’ve more freely shared my story. I’ve visiting cemeteries and memorials. And we’ve even figured out how we’d like to do our own little memorial garden!
All of these things have actually helped. It’s like knowing you’re walking into a dog fight, but this time you are wearing protection. This week has particularly been difficult, and I have cried countless times, but still I am determined to walk straight into this inevitable fight, knowing I’m going to come out of it stronger again.
History has shown me that the night before my loss dates is typically the most difficult. With Connor I knew this day three years ago that he hadn’t survived. It was this night that I knew I had no time left. But it was tomorrow that I labored physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Both days are hard but this year I am more prepared. I already know where I’ll be in the morning to honor my son.
Saying that just brought tears to my eyes. I’m going to honor my son. Not my child, my angel baby, my loss.. no. My son. He has a name and his too short life was valuable. And I’m going to enjoy remembering him every day.
