I'm just sitting on my bed, not feeling well, again. I haven't been feeling well for months. There have been many doctors appointments. Most of those have been pure frustration for me. Thankfully, after many tests, we do have some answers, but I don't believe we have them all. Thankfully, a lot of really scary possibilities have been crossed out. Sadly, there are still bad possibilities out there. Either way, this moment of time may be the turning point of my life. (Perhaps a little melodramatic, but I don't think so, you see...)
For the past four-ish months I have been wondering, seeking, fighting, and begging for answers, and answers that I could handle. But God has been speaking to me about this obsessive need I have to control my environment. I want my answers and I want them now! I want to be in perfect health and I want it now! I don't want any answers that will potentially change my life! I want! I want! I WANT!
But in my want, I am losing sight of the larger picture. The fact of the matter is, no matter how hard I fight I can't change the answers. (Of course, lifestyle habits can be changed that will improve health but I'm talking larger scale here. Already I've had some diet changes that I'm hopeful about for the short term.)
It doesn't matter, it truly doesn't, whether I get a fatal diagnosis or a life changing diagnosis, or a 'you're in great health' diagnosis. No matter what my diagnosis, I am going to die. It might be in 70 years, or it might be tomorrow. I have been shown frequently lately how fragile this life is, and how quickly it ends. Even the decision to take a walk down the street could be my last decision. In truth, this next breath could be my last except by the grace of God who commands my heart to pump time and time again.
When I die, it won't matter if I had cancer, or got hit by a car. It just won't even be on the radar. You know what else won't be on the radar? How much time I spent watching youtube, how much fun I had, or reading books, or daydreaming about my future. It won't matter if my life was generally good, with few annoyances. It won't matter if my life was extremely difficult. You know what I think will matter?
My motivation. The focus of my heart. Do I want to be healthy so that I can have more fun, like dancing or hiking, or even so I can have children and see them grow? Or do I want to be healthy so I can declare from the rooftops that Christ healed me in more ways than one? The deeper question in that is, if Christ did heal me, would I shout it out? What if I can bring more glory to God by remaining in this failing body? What is my motivation?
Would God be more glorified by someone with a miraculous story to tell, but who has little to complain about now; or would He be more glorified by someone who has many things to 'complain' about, and doesn't...who shows grace in the difficulties, who seeks to bring joy despite pain? I personally think it is the latter. And I believe that God created me in such a way so that I could glorify Him.
God has been showing me that my dreams of the future, though not necessarily wrong, are futile. I am wasting my time focusing on things that in the end won't make any difference. And He has been showing me that many things I dream of may not be in His plan. One of the most powerful things I have ever been told is, "if God doesn't want X for you, you don't want it!" If Christ, the maker and creator of all life, who knows me at my innermost being says "This is not My best for you", I want to listen!
In so many ways, I fail in this, but I want my focus to be daily on Christ. I want my breath to serve as a reminder of His unimaginable grace and mercy. I don't want to fill my mind and heart with things that don't give glory to Him. I don't want to focus on the trivial, I want to focus on the eternal. This won't be easy. Not in the slightest. And I already know that I will fail every single day for the rest of my life. But when I reach my end, I want to know that I did indeed try every day,
Control is one of my many weaknesses. Without it I feel vulnerable, alone, and scared. But now I want to hand control over to the One who won't mess it up. I'm not naive enough to think that Boom! I write a blog post and forever more, my heart is surrendered to Christ and Christ alone. Even today has been a huge struggle for me in giving up the control of my life. But I am praying that each day I might draw closer to Christ, and learn to hand him the control more quickly. I truly want this to be a permanent change. If you happen to think of it, I certainly would appreciate your ongoing prayers as I fight to just give it up.
I am eagerly waiting to see what God is going to bring into my life as a blessing, so that I can give the glory right back to Him.
