Our Adoption Journey - Part One

We had nearly given up. We were weeks away from being done. But God wasn’t done with us yet!

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In January 2018, my husband and I started the home study process to try to adopt domestically. In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant fees. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Completing the education requirements for our home study

Despite all of the work it took to get through the process, we managed to get home study approved in just two months! Surely this meant that God was paving the way for a fast match, right? 

Months passed without any match. We had several connections that seemed like great potentials, and yet, still no match. We chose from the beginning to pursue a word of mouth connection, so we made social media accounts and business cards to pass out. It was a long learning process with our pursuit of a personal connection. We ended up changing the name of our social media accounts multiple times in order to better represent ourselves. We drove around to churches and gave them a business card just in case they might have a connection. Eventually, we even hired a social media manager who helped us fine tune our Facebook advertising strategy.

This verse inspired the decision to start preparing our nursery

We finally made a contact that we felt so hopeful about! Things seemed to be headed towards a match when we got the devastating news that the baby had passed away. It was several months later that we had our next real possibility. There were a couple of things that didn’t seem like a great fit, but the reason we were given for us not being chosen was that I was at that time on medication to manage anxiety and depression. It was so demoralizing to feel like no matter what I did, it was my fault we didn’t have children. 

So many days would pass between connections. It was hard not to wonder if we were on the right path! Without fail, the days that I would be at my absolute breaking point would be the day that God brought encouragement! Sometimes it would be the hint of a potential connection and other times it would be a reminder from a friend that we weren’t alone. We had so much support. 

We began with just a rocking chair, bassinet, and a blanket that I made

Another potential came along that we were quite hopeful about! It seemed that we were getting closer to being matched than ever before. And then again, the sweet little one passed away. I knew how common miscarriage was because of my own history of recurrent loss, but this stung in a different way. I struggled against the feeling that every child who had even a potential connection to me was doomed to die. I felt guilty for a baby that wasn’t mine to lose. This feeling was enhanced in the worst way. We made a tentative connection with a mom who was trying to decide between placing her baby for adoption and having an abortion. She chose the abortion. We were devastated. 

Holidays came and went with no evidence or hope of a child’s presence. And still, God brought encouragement every time I was ready to throw in the towel. I would ask Him for a confirmation that we were following His plan instead of our own. He never failed to bring the needed encouragement.

The first onesies we ever bought

For two and a half years, we rode this rollercoaster pursuing a word of mouth connection. We had discussed early on that eventually we would sign on with an agency if we hadn’t adopted yet, but I was still shocked when my husband said he was ready to take that step. Instead of signing on with an agency, I’d learned that we would probably be better off signing with a consultant as they work with multiple agencies and thus have a larger network. This began my search for the right consultant. We had one misstep before we found the consultant for us. She is passionate about ethical adoption, advocating for expectant mothers, and truly helping us as prospective adoptive parents. 

It was a new experience to receive cases with her and know that any case could be our match. But, time and time again, we weren’t chosen. Doubt kept creeping into my mind. Were we truly where God wanted us? Did He instead want us to pursue foster care like so many people suggested? Once again, I asked God for confirmation that we were supposed to be pursuing a private adoption, and He delivered! 

 Matching stuffed animals for both our future child and their birth mom

And still, getting to yet another childless Christmas brought us so low. We had frequently been discussing what our lives would look like if we never had kids. I was beginning to accept that God’s goodness was not dependent on Him making me a mother. He would still be good even if motherhood wasn’t part of His plan for me. It was a hard truth to learn, but it brought me so much peace. I was able to say more confidently than ever, “Your will be done.”

Another year, another Christmas without a baby

We knew our home study was set to expire in March 2021, just a few short months away, and we made the decision to not renew it for the third time. We asked for one last push on social media for a word of mouth connection. We prayed that God would work a miracle. 

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To be continued in Part Two

Hope in the Wait

There are so many words spilling around in my head this morning. I don't know that I'll be able to make much sense of them, but hopefully writing them out will help!

About a year and a half ago, I hosted an event at my church called Hope in the Wait for women struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The event itself definitely went well, and out of it I started a Hope in the Wait page on Facebook. Honestly, it's not a hopping place, but that's okay. When I started using Instagram for our adoption page, I started noticing what a great community there is for women in my position. So I created a second instagram account specifically for Hope in the Wait! (@hopeinthewaitutah for both fb and insta). And as the last year and a half has unfolded, I have just tried to share things that have encouraged me. 

As a person, I feel inadequate. I have a huge heart for this community, and I want to help others feel less alone. Because I feel so alone. I struggle with praying as much as I should. Do I actually know that God is leading me? It can be hard to tell sometimes. In some ways I feel like I have had enough experience to speak truth into the lives of others. In other ways I feel like I'm positively clueless. 

Looking at some of the other women who lead large ministries in the infertility/loss community, they always seem to have this vision of where God is going to take their ministry. Not having a huge vision makes me wonder if God is in this or not. My vision is small. Normalize infertility and loss. Speak openly so others might bravely speak too. Help others to accept that where they are at in their journey is simply where they are today. Tomorrow is a new day that God is orchestrating for good. Remind them that though their story is unique, we share a common ground. 

While my seemingly small vision doesn't have any numbers attached to it, we live in a society where numbers mean so much. It's hard to not get caught up in the desire to have more likes and follows and comments. But even as I'm considering that this morning, I know that if I only connected with a few women, and was an encouragement to them alone, it still is worth so much. However, rejection has been a huge struggle for me in my loneliness. So I think having those numbers has assuaged those feelings of rejection for a moment. 

At the beginning of this year, I started making plans for my second Hope event. It originally was set for May, just before mother's day, as a reminder that we aren't forgotten in the midst of this painful holiday. But, Covid. (Isn't it interesting how much weight one word can have? Everyone who has lived through this year knows what I mean when the only word I say is, Covid.) So I tentatively planned to have it in September, just hoping that Covid would have settled down enough by then. And in the meantime, I didn't focus much on it. I just went about my business. 

But as the date got closer, I got my speaker all figured out, and truly started praying for it like I always should be. So many prayers asking God to bring exactly who needed to be there, even if that was only one person. Prayers asking God to help me manage my own expectations. Prayers for someone to come alongside me as a helper. Prayers for this event to not be about me at all. And what a blessing it was to have several people tell me that they were seriously praying for it as well! The first year was definitely supported, but this year just felt like a different level of support, and I'm so grateful. 

It all came together. Games, a craft, sweet deals on gift basket supplies (gifts are always my favorite part!), my sweet friend as a speaker, and the answered prayer of helpers who came alongside of me. Everything was looking really positive, including multiple rsvps! The night before the event was very uninteresting until I made the horrific mistake of simply looking up. (Shocking, I know!) As I looked up, my neck slipped out of alignment. The pain was quite serious. The ensuing headache was similar in feel to the 45 day migraine I experienced last year. Immediately, I asked some friends to pray. This felt like more than an accident. Thankfully, I was able to sleep and go to a chiropractor in the morning, so there was at least a little improvement. And that was just the start of things not going as planned yesterday. All little things, but I had no doubt that Satan was trying to get at me. The struggle was just to not let him! I was determined to maintain a good attitude. 

Finally getting to the church was a relief, but as we were getting it all set up and ready to go, my anxiety of rejection kept trying to flare up. Thank you, God, for a sweet and calm presence in my helper. She helped me so much to let go of my expectations! Then the first lady showed up. Such a relief. Someone actually came. And then two more! I was thrilled to have three people come! And then two more!! In so many ways 5 people in attendance sounds like a meager number. But I couldn't have been more elated. Five women trusted me enough to show up to an event that exposes a vulnerability. Having those five women arrive nearly had me in tears. I had prayed so much that God would move, and that if this event just shouldn't happen, that He would be closing doors. And that if He wasn't going to close doors, that my actions would be a blessing to others.

Every moment of the event yesterday was a blessing to me. Small moments of connection, including actually having a gluten and dairy free snack that one of the ladies could actually eat! I had no idea that she needed it like I did, but I'm so glad I was able to be a blessing even in something small like that! Even the fact that we went overtime with sweet conversation was a boon to my soul. This event wasn't for me, and yet the presence of these particular ladies was a complete blessing to me. While I can't directly speak for those who attended, the consensus I've heard is that they were glad they came. I honestly couldn't ask for more than that. I've had so many encouraging words from the attendees and others standing in the wings praying. 

I have no clue what God is going to do with Hope in the Wait, but I really hope that He will continue to bless it for many years, so I can be used and be a blessing for others. My heart is so full this morning. To quote the speaker from yesterday, God doesn't waste our hurts. God, please, please, continue to make something beautiful out of the hurts I've experienced. 

 

10/17/13

As tends to be my normal, I’m lacking a desire to go to sleep tonight. You see, tomorrow is my due date with Michael. It seems crazy to say I miss someone I never met, but I do miss him. 

It’s interesting to imagine what he’d be like if he were alive today. In my head, he would have been a caretaker, a protector of his sisters and brother. Even at six years of age, I see him as the serious, loyal type. We would be working on learning to read, and maybe playing piano. He’d probably be the rule follower and let me know when his siblings weren’t obeying. 

He feels so tangible to me. It almost feels like I could touch and hug him. But I can’t. At least, I can’t yet. While the idea of heaven used to fill me with fear, now I’m anxious to get there and meet my beautiful, amazing son, Michael. He is so precious to me! 

Approaching an EDD generally starts affecting me. Thankfully, I was able to recognize it sooner this time. At the beginning of this week I woke up and had no desire to get out of bed. I’d had an amazingly encouraging experience the day before, and yet here I was, just down. 

I had even more encouragement come that morning once I got up, but I still felt completely drained. I had zero motivation to do anything, was moving slowly, and felt extremely tired. I wondered at it but had no answer.  I knew I was experiencing the symptoms of depression but didn’t feel overtly sad! It was truly bewildering. As an interesting side note, it was that night that I realized my ear piercings with struggling, but specifically the hole that I use for Michael was infected. I haven’t had issues with them in years, and now suddenly that piercing is infected? Interesting. 

Tuesday came around and I struggled to leave my room again. I knew that deep within me, depression was acting up, but I didn’t understand why. This past week has included some of the best encouragement that I’ve ever had! And yet my body was in a depressive state. Tuesday was also the National day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness! The wave of light was on my mind when suddenly I knew what was happening. Michaels EDD was just two days away. 

And now it is tomorrow. It’s hard to believe that he would be 6 now. My sweet baby boy. I know your life is better in heaven, but I so wish I’d been able to keep you with me. Longing for the day I get to finally hold you in my arms, my love. 

Her Tree of Life (3/3)

You can check out part one - here!

Check out part two - here!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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Names have had a large role in my story, and it just continues with this little boy that we were able to adopt. He came to us with a name (we'll call him JC) that means 'fair or righteous', but God had given us a different name years ago. JC was 4 years old when he actually wanted us to call him by a new name! The name he wanted us to call him was only 1 letter off from the name God had shown us long before! After much discussion and prayer, we did legally change his name from JC to JM. His new name means "Yahweh is God" and "Who is like God?" 

We ended up doing foster care for 16 years, and had around 25 kids in and out of our home. During that time, we had two young ladies ask us to adopt their baby. The first was another little boy who we had in our home before he eventually went back to his mother, and the second was a little girl that we were able to see at the hospital. Her mother also decided that she wanted to mother her little girl. We were fortunate to have so many things ready for these two little ones that we were able to bless their moms and help them get started. It hurts. You know we longed for, and prayed for these children. But thank You for letting us bless them.

I was 40 years old, and C had really great health insurance, so we decided to try for another pregnancy. Because of our infertility journey, we decided to do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) one time. We were adamant that any and all fertilized eggs would be implanted and given a chance to grow. Our doctors were shocked when we had 5 fertilized eggs to use. So we had all 5 eggs placed inside me, and as I lay there waiting for this procedure, I started naming our little ones. Sadly our attempt for IVF did not take, and we added to our numbers of lost children:

N-- (my aborted son)

Noah (our ectopic loss)

Oliver (IVF)

Olivia (IVF)

Chad (IVF)

Lucy (IVF)

Luke (IVF) 

Plus our multiple potential adoptions that fell through. 

At the age of 37, we were chosen to parent our son, JM, but the desire of motherhood just wouldn't leave. The desire wasn't satisfied. I cried out to God and asked Him to take away this desire to be a mother. I wouldn't have given you this desire if I wasn't going to fulfill it. Doing foster care was something I was passionate about, and I really feel like God gave me such a desire for motherhood to give me the ability to love on other people's children. I loved being there to support these little kids and their families, and show them what being in a family is really like. You see these moments? These precious exchanges with My children? This is what you were made to do.

Years later, we had a little one staying with us through foster care who we were on track to adopt, but despite every circumstance being against the decision, the judge decided to send that little boy back to his biological family. It was our third adoption that fell through. I'm 45...I'm tired. Going back and forth with hope and loss is too hard. Let's just be grateful for our one son and be done!  

Then we got this call asking if we would be open to taking another baby in foster care. His situation was more precarious and they needed to find a foster home for him that day. I called C at work and he just asked me if I wanted another baby. I'm tired, and this is so hard, but yes! I still want a baby! We decided to say yes! I was able to bring this little baby with me to my job as a coordinator at Hope Pregnancy Center. There was a girl at the Center who enjoyed taking pictures, and she just happened to get a picture of the first time I kissed this little boy who was just two days old. He went from having this scrunched up face to completely relaxing in my arms. Have you been waiting for me, little one?

It turned out that this little guy would have special needs. We definitely didn't want him to go through foster care to struggle more than he already was. Our family of three prayed together and agreed that this baby was supposed to be in our family. We ended up adopting him at 1.5 years old. He came to us with no name, and so I asked C about naming our new son N-- that means "Gift of God" just like my N- that I aborted. They had told me that my baby would have had special needs because of all the drugs I'd been taking. You've given me a second chance. I know that You have my N-- with You, and he would have had special needs. Thank you for giving me another son like him.

When you walk the road with a special needs kid, it is a totally different journey. You see things so differently. It's been a beautiful life with him, but hard… very hard. I believe God took all that time to get me ready to have our two sons. God has given abundant grace to our family. JM is a successful adult who is soon to be married. And N-- is now 20 years old and doing so well! He still struggles, but lives in a wonderful group home and has a job. We are so proud of them both!

I went through many dark times, after my abortion and motorcycle accident. I didn't want to look back on those experiences. I wanted to stay numb. It all just hurt too badly. When God got a hold of me, He showed me that I needed to give up all of those painful things. As each memory popped up, I needed to give that over to God. He walked me through each of those hard memories to bring me healing. 

Do you have a desire that you feel is a gift from God, but there's no sign of that desire being fulfilled? Are you struggling to hold onto hope? If God put that desire in your heart, He put it there to fulfill it. It might not look like what you are expecting. It might not be the plan you have. It could be mothering foster children, or other women going through trials. If He has given you a desire, He put it there to fulfill it. He just asks us to be open to how He would fulfill it. It isn't always "happily married, now we have a baby… everything is going as planned." It isn't always like that. You need to be open to His plan for you! His plan is uniquely perfect for YOU. Each and every plan is individual for each and every one of us. 

A man’s heart plans his way,

But the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Just remember that you don’t want anything unless God also wants that for you. It won’t be worth it if God isn’t in it. Pray for His will in this journey that you are on. I prayed for God to take my desire away and He actually increased it. I truly believe that it was to get one son at 37, another son with special needs at the age of 45, and to mother many foster children. There is nothing that compares to the joy I’ve experienced knowing that God has got this, and that I am following His plan for my life. You aren’t alone here. You don’t need to make things happen. God has got this! He is walking beside you just waiting to show you what is in store. Will you walk with Him no matter how long it takes? I can’t wait to see how God shows you His glorious plan for your life!

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If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

Her Tree of Life (2/3)

If you missed the first part of her story, you can read it here!!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I felt like I was going to vomit. Every fiber of me was struggling. If I get up, everyone will know what I've done. If I start crying, they'll know...I don't want anyone to know. So I sat there panicked, feeling like I was going to explode with all of the emotions.

Having the kind of God we have… He thought of every little detail to bring healing. The event seemed to last forever but it was finally over and I was anxious to leave, but a different little old lady came over to me and hugged me. I never had anyone who truly comforted me like that, and I bawled like a baby. She told me that God had moved her to come over and pray with me about my aborted baby. I continued to cry. Right then and there, the emotions I'd been stuffing started coming out. I asked for forgiveness, and she forgave me for the body of Christ. And she said that God wanted me to ask Him about my baby: whether it was a boy or girl, and what their name was! I was scared to ask, but God answered me. N--... a son. I have a son. I went home and immediately looked up the name N--, and it meant "Gift of God". God orchestrated each moment to bring me to a place where I could truly start to grieve, heal, and accept His forgiveness for the shame and regret I felt.

The same year, I was cooking when I suddenly had extreme pain in my side. I sat in the bathroom unable to move. Please God, send him home soon to help me! My husband did arrive home early, prayed over me, and after some discussion he said he thought I was pregnant but was very concerned that something was wrong! We went into the hospital, and sure enough, my test was positive. I was pregnant again, but this time something was wrong. I ended up in surgery where they discovered that my baby had implanted onto my ovary. The baby did not survive the procedure.  

We went to a doctor to find a solution to our infertility. He was adamant that he perform a major surgery in order to give us a 10% chance. God gave us both a lack of peace. We had the surgery scheduled, but C and I both knew at the last minute that it wasn't the right choice. We chose not to proceed, despite the wishes of the doctor and our family. We later learned that the doctor we were going to work with had ended up facing many lawsuits for malpractice. God spared us from that. 

Underneath all of this was an undying yearning to be a mother. C and I were not in agreement on pursuing adoption, so we continued to wait. I had a dear friend who was also struggling with infertility. One day she visited me in tears, not sure how to tell me that she was finally pregnant, knowing that I wasn't pregnant. She sought the Lord on my behalf and she felt like God had just given her a picture of a big baby boy with dark hair that would one day be our son. Right then and there, I knew I didn't want anyone else to feel horrible around me because they had a child when I had none.

We'd lived in Seattle for about 5 years, and I knew I didn't want to live there long term. God, You know my desire to live closer to family. Please show him Your will and I will follow. C came home and he told me that he just felt like we were supposed to move back to Minnesota.

Shortly before we made the decision to move, I'd had my first good dream after years of nightmares. In the dream I saw this large fireplace with granite all around it. There were a bunch of weeds that I had to lift away, and as I lifted the weeds, a black dog ran out with and joined our other black dog, and then a little boy came out. He had very dark hair, and he was crying. In the dream I held him and started crying. Why are you crying?  He told me that he was waiting. I held him tight and felt this unbelievable love for him. He's waiting for me! I was so excited to share this dream with C, and we both just knew that one day we would have a son.

We had a pastor who encouraged us to really seek the Holy Spirit, so I prayed for God to show me where we were supposed to live. As I was praying, I felt that God was putting the words "white" and "Indian reservation" on my mind. Are You calling us to be missionaries at an Indian reservation? I was looking at a map, and God just showed me this rectangular area on it and there was an Indian reservation within the rectangle call White Earth. We agreed to look in this area for our home. We went to Minnesota and starting looking at homes within this rectangle that I had seen. It had been days, but we weren't finding anything. Am I just going nuts? Did I really see God show me this area, or was it just my imagination? On our last day of vacation, we saw a sign in front of a realtor office, and it said "log cabin on 90 acres". We decided to check it out, just in case. The realtor just happened to be there and brought us right out to the cabin. As we opened the door, I saw it. It was the fireplace from my dream. I had goosebumps! I whispered in my husband’s ear that this was my dream fireplace, and we both knew this is where we were supposed to be. God! You did it! You brought us exactly to the place You wanted. 

We went back to Seattle and prayed about how much to offer for the cabin in the woods. Gratefully, they accepted our offer, so we now owned this place that was the fulfillment of my dream. I later realized that the location of our cabin was exactly in the middle of the rectangle I'd seen on the map. God, You are too good!

As we drove the moving van and our vehicle from Seattle to Minnesota, I was praying and God just gave me a song. For He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. So I will delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. For He is the one that has put them there, only to fulfill them.(Psalms 113:9,37:4) I sang the rest of the way.  

As we got settled in our new home, we found a church to attend and started getting involved. One of the things I did was lead the teen girls Sunday school class. Once a month, I'd have someone from the church come speak to the girls and share their testimony. One Sunday, the person I'd arranged for, couldn't make it to church, so the girls asked me to share my testimony. I shared about how God had brought us to this place. There was a girl in my class at the time. She was 16 and living in a foster home and she was pregnant. She and I connected before and after her baby was born. She would tell me how much the baby missed me, and whenever I would hold her baby, he would just snuggle into me. God, help me! I've never felt this desire before. I've never wanted someone else's child. 

For seven months, his precious mom struggled with not really knowing how, or if she wanted to parent. She ended up speaking with our pastor and asked him to include us in the situation. She wanted us to parent her little one. Thank you, God! You worked every piece into place for this moment. This little boy just happened to have really dark hair. It was a long journey, but at the age of 18 months, he was officially ours and we were beyond thrilled. We now had a big baby boy with dark hair. Thank you, Lord! We were completely bonded and in love with each other. We had been married for ten years, and to have this fulfilment of all the words and the dream God had given us about this son... it was just like the heavens had opened up above us to give us this precious gift. Is there anything sweeter than receiving a promise from God and seeing it come to pass. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

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Check out the last segment of her story -- Here!

If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

Walking into the Dog Fight

I was more prepared this year. The emotional battle of December made the beginning of Connor’s pregnancy season feel like a breeze, but now the end is here. My therapist likes to say that these hard dates feel like they are coming for you. You don’t just casually get to walk past them, they reach out and snap at you. (Are you picturing a dog fight like I am? So much Cesar Millan!!) 

 But that’s truly how it feels. Just this year I was ready for it! My therapist also asked me what I could do during this time to actively honor Connor and the rest of my kids. One of the biggest things that has helped me was that I was able to thank the person who saw me at my worst and helped me see that I needed help. I truthfully don’t know if I’d be here without her guidance. It definitely was one of the most meaningful presents that I’ve given. Along with that, I’ve been able to continue making angel charms for losses among my friends. I’ve worn my memorial scrub hats on the days I’ve struggled more. I’ve sung more. I’ve more freely shared my story. I’ve visiting cemeteries and memorials. And we’ve even figured out how we’d like to do our own little memorial garden! 

All of these things have actually helped. It’s like knowing you’re walking into a dog fight, but this time you are wearing protection. This week has particularly been difficult, and I have cried countless times, but still I am determined to walk straight into this inevitable fight, knowing I’m going to come out of it stronger again. 

History has shown me that the night before my loss dates is typically the most difficult. With Connor I knew this day three years ago that he hadn’t survived. It was this night that I knew I had no time left. But it was tomorrow that I labored physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Both days are hard but this year I am more prepared. I already know where I’ll be in the morning to honor my son. 

Saying that just brought tears to my eyes. I’m going to honor my son. Not my child, my angel baby, my loss.. no. My son. He has a name and his too short life was valuable. And I’m going to enjoy remembering him every day. 

The Battle Rages On- Follow Up

I had no idea how bad the battle would be after I wrote my last post. Truly no idea. December was truly one of the worst months I can remember. I found out the hard way that it had never even crossed my mind that we wouldn’t have a baby by Christmas. I had not prepared myself at all for the possibility, so when we approached yet another Christmas without a child to share it with, I truly fell completely apart. 

But, what I can say now, being on this side of December, is I’m really proud of myself! I was not blind to my brokenness and I took steps to protect myself a little bit more. I said no to things that I couldn’t handle and I stuck to it. I’m extremely proud of myself for that. 

But what I found most amazing was how in the darkest depths God was still there. I had two really significant things happen, and I’ll try to keep them on the shorter side. 

Being at church in general was difficult for me because it was the one place I couldn’t avoid all the super cute families and disappointed hopes. So I was really struggling. I was in the worship team one Sunday and I was SO struggling. But then to increase the struggle I really felt God compelling me to speak up about the season being difficult and how even when we can’t say the words “rejoice!” God is still with us. So I did. I had the space to jump in and speak, and like always, I truly didn’t feel like I was the one speaking. 

However, afterwards I went circling down the drain of self doubt and questioning. Was I really truly hearing God? I was blessed to have an amazing conversation with several men in our church during the sermon and truly was encouraged to a degree, but I did pray and ask God to confirm it this time. After we sang the last song, a couple approached me and told me how God had used what I’d said to truly bless their family. I literally was almost on the floor in tears. It was like their arms around me were actually God’s and He was saying, “yes, you did hear Me, and yes, I’m still hearing you!”

I’m tearing up just writing this. 

Then the following week, in another moment of extreme depression I was sitting in our row just crying out to God that I felt invisible. That our dreams for adoption were invisible or at the very most completely unimportant to others. I was crying out with an feeling of isolation that questioned why more people weren’t praying for us! And in that moment.. -again, I’m tearing up here - a lady in our church sat down next to me and asked to pray for me, and pray she did! For me, for our adoption..for everything. And it was amazing! I’ve only spoken with her a handful of times but I knew that God must have truly been calling her to come over! I had zero doubt that she was God’s answer to my pleas. Because of her obedience, I truly saw God in that day. We talked more afterward and I feel closer to her now and I feel so blessed knowing that she had already been compelled to pray for our adoption journey. 

Man, God is SO good. Seriously, in my darkest moments His light shone through. He is still hearing me. My prayers are not hitting a ceiling. And in the bigger picture, my prayers towards adoption are not falling on deaf ears. He truly sees me, He sees and knows my hearts desire, and I absolutely know that His plan is to restore, not to tear down. 

I was just speaking with some friends about how difficult December was for me and in the course of talking, I so strongly felt the word “gratitude” come to mind, and through these friends God was showing me that this year of waiting has not been wasted. 

The homestudy process for adoption is extremely in-depth and difficult and it brought to light areas of our lives that we need to grow in and strengthen our teamwork in. And now I can see so clearly how our year hasn’t been wasted! The time building up our network has not been wasted. But most importantly, the time spent on building our marriage has not been a waste, and our future children will only reap benefits from it. While so much of me wishes we already had children in our home, my goal for this year is to move forward in gratitude of how God is working and moving and making us capable of being better parents. 

This will still be a struggle for sure. The only reason I got through December was God showing Himself so clearly, and the amazing support of my husband and others. Now that we are past Christmas, I’m now in the season that historically has been the worst for me. As I relive the dates surrounding my pregnancy with Connor, I truly ask for continued prayer. I am so exhausted in every emotional way. So please stand around me in prayer, cuz I don’t know how strong I’ll be to pray for myself. I’m so grateful for the years of support I have received. 

Brave and Strong

If you have read much of my blog, you’ve probably figured out that I love the meaning of names! I just found out something pretty awesome about my own name, but more on that later! 

We lost Connor about 2.5 years ago. When God gave me the name for my baby, He also told me a few things about myself. He told me, “you are strong. You are brave.” Words that have never left me. Words that continued to encourage while I went through the darkest time of my life. They were and are God-given words of identity. Isn’t it amazing how God could see us that way? 

The past 2-3 weeks have been very hard for me. Life has just felt overwhelming and my depression has stepped it up a notch to try to match it. Depression is one of those things that seems impossible to understand unless you’ve been in it, but just as an example, I’ve been at the point of tears for about 5 days straight in the course of the last two weeks. Nothing specific was happening but I could not stop crying. 

An image I love for depression is clouds in the sky! Every day can hold a different number of clouds. Sometimes there is more blue sky to be seen than clouds, but they are still there. The clouds can be light and fluffy most days, but then they start to darken. The dark clouds keep building and building and block out the sun. The dark clouds can stay indefinitely. Sometimes you’ll feel just the tiniest of sprinkles, and the next day is a deluge. There’s no way to predict what trigger will make the cloud too heavy and start the downpour. Have you ever been caught in a deluge? That wet, heavy, exhausted feeling? That is my picture of depression. Those five days were pretty dark clouds with a constant sprinkling of rain.  It’s just plain exhausting. 

Within this current “rainy season” of my life, I received word from one of my dearest friends and fellow loss mama that she was experiencing another loss. My heart is aching just typing that. So many babies gone to heaven between the two of us. But no matter what we’ve been there for each other. 

My friend sent me a message just a few days ago about the name she was choosing for her little one. I don’t think I’ve ever been more honored than for her to pick my (gender neutral) last name as her child’s name. She also holds strongly the meanings for names, so she chose my last name in part for its meaning. I’d heard it long before but it had never sunk in: my last name means brave and strong (or powerful, but I’m gonna keep strong). A name I chose when we got married means brave and strong, the two words that God told me I am. I am not a believer in coincidence. 

And even more recently, after experiencing a very rough night, and dealing with anxiety for my upcoming surgery, another friend ended her encouragement with “you are brave and strong!”. She’s never heard any of this backstory. Again, I’m not a believer in coincidence. 

In some of the darkest times in my life over the past 2.5 years, there has come the whisper - “you are brave. you are strong. I’m still here. keep going. keep fighting. I have more for you than what you’ve previously seen. you are brave. you are strong.”

Do you know how God sees you? Do you let His view of you determine how you see yourself?  

Defiant Hope

“Sometimes I think hope is an act of defiance, one that God wants us to boldly commit. It’s daring to believe in spite of our losses, in spite of our disappointments. It’s refusing to throw away our confidence and trusting God to reward us because we don’t. It’s daring not to give up and instead, to get our hopes up anyway.”

• Christine Caine

This was in my devotional this morning and it was so good! I love this so much! Our world is so dark, and there is so much sadness and hurt. Hope can seem foolish, but I am gonna hold on to the idea that it is defiant! It is not letting the world define who I am, or how I live my life. 

It is boldly declaring that my God is bigger than any circumstance I might face. That my God uses us in our circumstances. That my God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine! That my God knows better than I do what is in my best interest. It is an undying reassurance that my God will not turn away from hard questions. My God will come closer in the hard times.  Defiant hope is what makes me know that God has children out there that He wants us to love on. 

In the deepest moments of loss and pain, hope is what keeps me going. Hope that the babies I’ve lost have enjoyed the perfection of heaven. Hope that my losses will not destroy me. Hope that my story does not end with loss. Hope that my life will include the pattering of little feet. 

I’m choosing to live with defiant hope that my children are out there somewhere. What do you need to live for with defiant hope?

Grateful

This year I’ve started a new habit of doing Bible studies with friends in the you version app. I’ve love the motivation and accountability it has given me. I have spent so much more time in the Word than probably any other year. Every once and a while, something in the study will hit me, and today, this was it! 

• “I praise you, Sovereign Lord, for bringing good from life’s hard times and for allowing me to experience the wilderness for my good and your glory.”

I loved this! Thanking God for our trials because they were for our good and His glory. That’s definitely something I try to do. It may seem crazy, but I don’t think I would want any different outcome for my life so far. Going through four miscarriages has been the most difficult season one my life, but if just one of my pregnancies lasted, I wouldn’t have four babies waiting for me. The timing wouldn’t have worked. And I wouldn’t trade a single one of them. I rejoice in the fact that they each have a name and a personality, and I still am their mother. I will get to meet them one day! 

Going through the heartache of losing them has made me a much better person. There have been so many times I have questioned people inappropriately just because I am curious. Now I’ve been on the opposite side and know how painful those questions can be. I’m still curious, and I still have to fight back those questions, but I have such a heart for those who have gone through similar circumstances, so the fight is worth it! 

Going through my losses has given me a much greater perspective on being a parent. I’ll have rough days, but I pray that God would never let me forget the journey it took to become a parent. God allowing my trials has given me such an appreciation for one day hearing a little voice call me Mom. 

Waiting for what seems like an eternity to meet my baby helps me remember to give our birthmom space. Her time in the hospital will be her only time being the only mom. Those will be her memories, and I can imagine it would feel like an eternity to not have your baby with you every day. 

Because I have lost children, I am so much more in awe of birth parents who see their situation and recognize that adoption is the better option for their little one. That kind of sacrifice can only come from the deepest of love.

So yes, I am grateful for my losses and trials. I’m grateful that God has a plan. I am grateful that somewhere out there is a baby that God is preparing for us. I’m grateful that somewhere out there are birth parents that God is calling us to love. The waiting is hard, and sometimes sad, but it will be so worth it in the end. 

In the Waiting

We’ve truly just begun our journey in the practical sense. Yet, I’ve truly been waiting for this time my whole life! I always knew that it could take years to actually adopt, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to see that time stretched out before me. 

The reality is that we have no true way of knowing how long it will be before we have our child in our arms. This is difficult for me. I’m a strong planner! I like to know how my near future is going to play out as best as I can. 

If we were connected with a birth mom who still had a couple of months left of pregnancy, we would have a little time to prepare and make arrangements, and that would be wonderful. But I have a gut feeling that we are going to get a “stork drop”, which means we will find out about the right before the baby is born or at some point after. It could even be weeks after baby is born and all the sudden we have a child in our home! It sounds exhilarating and terrifying!! 

I think in a lot of ways I would prefer the stork drop. We wouldn’t have months of building hope tampered by the knowledge that mama could decide to parent her baby. With a stork drop, the decision has already been made. 

I think what I’m coming to grasp more fully is that going through adoption is just as much of an emotional rollercoaster as going through pregnancy was for me. Only this time I don’t have to deal with the physical trauma. 

The rollercoaster all comes down to hope. With our pregnancies, MMM always felt more hopeful than I did. I had hope in my first pregnancy. I thought my gut feeling must have been wrong! I always knew I wouldn’t have biological children, but I assumed that meant I wouldn’t get pregnant. I had no concern of miscarriage. After we lost Rachel, my hope was gone. Each pregnancy after her was tinged with resignation. Even after my ultrasound with Connor, my hope didn’t improve much. 

Adoption for me is different. I have absolute confidence that God has called us to adoption. I know God has children for us in some way. Where I lack hope is in the waiting. I want to have patience in Gods timing. 

I’m part of a national support group on Facebook, and I have seen multiple couples adopting out of Utah! It’s hard to not feel discouraged that we missed out on a baby in our area, but I know that we only want the baby that God has planned for us. He has a purpose for those families that we won’t not be able to fulfill if that baby had come to us instead. 

Please be praying for us. For the right situation to come to our attention. For peace and patience in the waiting. For continued hope in God’s timing. 

The Emotional Aspects of being an Empath

It has only been the last few years that I’ve known the word “empath”, but it is something that I’ve always known was a part of me.

As a young child I would leave the room when a scene on tv would include embarrassment for one of the stars. It would make me feel sick to my stomach. If I was forced to stay in the room and watch (like at a movie theater) the sick feeling would linger for a significant portion of the movie.  

I was extremely sensitive to any sort of scary event/movie. I’ve always hated Halloween. I would only need a slight provocation to have incredibly disturbing nightmares. And they were so detailed and extreme that I still remember them clearly. In fact the first nightmare I remember specifically was probably from 6 years old. 

I’ve always unknowingly mimicked body language and immediately will tear up when someone shares a difficult experience with me. 

Any discussion involving cruelty to animals, children, the vulnerable, has filled me with such horror that it is hard to move past it. 

Almost all of these examples create physical symptoms that can last a very long time. And most of them are exclusively events happening to those outside of myself. And all of these examples are true to this day! (I like to fast forward embarrassing moments during movies, or leave the room even still!)

I feel extremely deeply about the concerns of others, but more often than not am considerably apathetic about things pertaining to my concerns. It feels strange for me to say that because I obviously (if you’ve read my blog at all) feel very deeply about my losses, but beyond that, I’m struggling to think of something that would also qualify as caring deeply about my own concerns. 

In fact, I’m not feeling well today, but I’m exceedingly more upset by the whimpers coming from my pup who had shots today. It kills me to know he’s in pain and I can’t fix it. 

I have often wondered why I am an empath, and truly where the line is between controlling the tendency and the tendency controlling me. Am I doing myself a disservice by allowing myself ways out of this discomfort? Examples being skipping movie scenes, or making MMM take Thor to the vet. Would I become stronger personally if I forced myself to work through those emotions? Or would the effort be too much and lead me to becoming more cold and apathetic to others in order to protect myself? I honestly don’t know. 

I do think there’s great advantages to being an empath though! I believe that being an empath allows me to see the needs of others in ways others struggle to do. This is truly an honor! Nothing is more satisfying to me than to know that I lightened someone else’s burden by taking some of it on myself. 

I believe that being an empath has played a huge role in my heart for adoption! What an amazing privilege to give children a home where they are loved no matter what.  I believe it has influenced my great desire to adopt a sibling group! Fewer families are open to adopting siblings, and I can think of few greater horrors than being separated from the only family you have left. I am so blessed to have a husband who has an open heart for these little ones too! 

Over all, I think becoming more aware of my limitations as an empath will help me be the best empath I can be. 

Coming next: the Spiritual aspects of being an Empath