There are so many words spilling around in my head this morning. I don't know that I'll be able to make much sense of them, but hopefully writing them out will help!
About a year and a half ago, I hosted an event at my church called Hope in the Wait for women struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The event itself definitely went well, and out of it I started a Hope in the Wait page on Facebook. Honestly, it's not a hopping place, but that's okay. When I started using Instagram for our adoption page, I started noticing what a great community there is for women in my position. So I created a second instagram account specifically for Hope in the Wait! (@hopeinthewaitutah for both fb and insta). And as the last year and a half has unfolded, I have just tried to share things that have encouraged me.
As a person, I feel inadequate. I have a huge heart for this community, and I want to help others feel less alone. Because I feel so alone. I struggle with praying as much as I should. Do I actually know that God is leading me? It can be hard to tell sometimes. In some ways I feel like I have had enough experience to speak truth into the lives of others. In other ways I feel like I'm positively clueless.
Looking at some of the other women who lead large ministries in the infertility/loss community, they always seem to have this vision of where God is going to take their ministry. Not having a huge vision makes me wonder if God is in this or not. My vision is small. Normalize infertility and loss. Speak openly so others might bravely speak too. Help others to accept that where they are at in their journey is simply where they are today. Tomorrow is a new day that God is orchestrating for good. Remind them that though their story is unique, we share a common ground.
While my seemingly small vision doesn't have any numbers attached to it, we live in a society where numbers mean so much. It's hard to not get caught up in the desire to have more likes and follows and comments. But even as I'm considering that this morning, I know that if I only connected with a few women, and was an encouragement to them alone, it still is worth so much. However, rejection has been a huge struggle for me in my loneliness. So I think having those numbers has assuaged those feelings of rejection for a moment.
At the beginning of this year, I started making plans for my second Hope event. It originally was set for May, just before mother's day, as a reminder that we aren't forgotten in the midst of this painful holiday. But, Covid. (Isn't it interesting how much weight one word can have? Everyone who has lived through this year knows what I mean when the only word I say is, Covid.) So I tentatively planned to have it in September, just hoping that Covid would have settled down enough by then. And in the meantime, I didn't focus much on it. I just went about my business.
But as the date got closer, I got my speaker all figured out, and truly started praying for it like I always should be. So many prayers asking God to bring exactly who needed to be there, even if that was only one person. Prayers asking God to help me manage my own expectations. Prayers for someone to come alongside me as a helper. Prayers for this event to not be about me at all. And what a blessing it was to have several people tell me that they were seriously praying for it as well! The first year was definitely supported, but this year just felt like a different level of support, and I'm so grateful.
It all came together. Games, a craft, sweet deals on gift basket supplies (gifts are always my favorite part!), my sweet friend as a speaker, and the answered prayer of helpers who came alongside of me. Everything was looking really positive, including multiple rsvps! The night before the event was very uninteresting until I made the horrific mistake of simply looking up. (Shocking, I know!) As I looked up, my neck slipped out of alignment. The pain was quite serious. The ensuing headache was similar in feel to the 45 day migraine I experienced last year. Immediately, I asked some friends to pray. This felt like more than an accident. Thankfully, I was able to sleep and go to a chiropractor in the morning, so there was at least a little improvement. And that was just the start of things not going as planned yesterday. All little things, but I had no doubt that Satan was trying to get at me. The struggle was just to not let him! I was determined to maintain a good attitude.
Finally getting to the church was a relief, but as we were getting it all set up and ready to go, my anxiety of rejection kept trying to flare up. Thank you, God, for a sweet and calm presence in my helper. She helped me so much to let go of my expectations! Then the first lady showed up. Such a relief. Someone actually came. And then two more! I was thrilled to have three people come! And then two more!! In so many ways 5 people in attendance sounds like a meager number. But I couldn't have been more elated. Five women trusted me enough to show up to an event that exposes a vulnerability. Having those five women arrive nearly had me in tears. I had prayed so much that God would move, and that if this event just shouldn't happen, that He would be closing doors. And that if He wasn't going to close doors, that my actions would be a blessing to others.
Every moment of the event yesterday was a blessing to me. Small moments of connection, including actually having a gluten and dairy free snack that one of the ladies could actually eat! I had no idea that she needed it like I did, but I'm so glad I was able to be a blessing even in something small like that! Even the fact that we went overtime with sweet conversation was a boon to my soul. This event wasn't for me, and yet the presence of these particular ladies was a complete blessing to me. While I can't directly speak for those who attended, the consensus I've heard is that they were glad they came. I honestly couldn't ask for more than that. I've had so many encouraging words from the attendees and others standing in the wings praying.
I have no clue what God is going to do with Hope in the Wait, but I really hope that He will continue to bless it for many years, so I can be used and be a blessing for others. My heart is so full this morning. To quote the speaker from yesterday, God doesn't waste our hurts. God, please, please, continue to make something beautiful out of the hurts I've experienced.
