I should be huge

 I'm one week away from Ishael's due date. It hasn't been a constant thought the last nine months, but each day we get closer it weighs heavier on my mind.

Right now, I should be huge. I should be uncomfortable. I should be begging my baby girl to arrive sooner rather than later.  I should have a nursery all made up. I should have my bag ready for delivery. I should already have quit my job so I could stay home. I should have a car seat already installed. I should have had a baby shower.

But none of that is my reality. My days continue on as they always have. Not even the tiniest baby bump to be seen. 

I think it's hard for some people to grasp why going through miscarriages is so difficult, especially if it was early enough that it didn't even look like a baby.

This is a big reason why! From the moment I saw that positive test my head was already in the moment of nine months later. I started dreaming of what color the nursery would be. I started to wonder how much weight I'd gain. From the moment of conception, my baby had a life full of expectations in my imagination.  

And then, in a moment, every dream I'd thought of was ruined. There would be no 1st birthday party, daddy daughter dates, first words, baby giggles. None of it was going to happen. When you have built so much hope and excitement to have it just ripped away, it isn't that you just lost a bunch of cells in this moment. You lost a lifetime of memories with a person you would love more than yourself. That is hard to accept. Each time it gets harder. And each time it gets harder to hope.

Ishael's due date will always come around Mother's Day; a day that is already incredibly difficult to get through. So I ask you to remember that holidays hold pain for many. Please don't forget those in your life who have struggled with infertility, miscarrying, infant loss, or even have lost their own mother. Please understand that while we may want to be fully happy for each of you who are celebrating this day, this day is a day of mourning for us.

I'm Not Okay

So many people in my life have been so supportive and compassionate this last month. If you were one of the many people who checked up on me and got the "I'm doing okay" line, I'm sorry. I'm not doing okay. But unfortunately, I seem to have very little emotional energy to talk to anyone deeply except my small group of women that have been where I am.

I hate feeling like a fake. I have always been extremely open about my life and what's going on. Some of you might think I'm too open. :P But being open helps me to get through each day.

So, I'm not okay. The couple times I've completely broken down, that has been the most prominent line. I'm not okay.

Right now I don't feel like I'm anything. It's like I'm dead inside. It's been just over a month since we lost Connor. The first two weeks after I was just numb.. In shock, ..denial. Then the third week hit, and it really set in. This is my life. This is my body that can't handle being pregnant long enough. And it has felt like each day is another nail in the coffin of Hope. Hope that next time could be different. Hope that we will have a family. Hope that I will ever physically be okay. 

All my hope is being buried alive. 

Four/five weeks out, I think I'm fluctuating between the anger and denial stages of grief. I have been so angry that I wanted to grab all our dishes and smash them in the driveway. I've never felt anything like that anger (side note: all of our dishes are safe). 

And it's scary to feel like you have so little control over your emotions. 

And on top of grieving for Connor, I'm still grieving for Ishael! I would be going into labor any day now. But I'm not. I'm not still pregnant with her, and I managed to lose another pregnancy within those nine months. I thought maybe, if I was pregnant for Mother's Day, it would make it easier. And it looked like I would be! But instead, I'm grieving two losses instead of one. Some days it's just too much. 

Sadly, I'm still not going to have the emotional energy to discuss this. Especially in person! I don't know why it's so much more draining in person, but it is. In fact, I really can't talk about it at all. That's why I'm writing it down. 

Please continue to pray for us. This burden is too heavy to bear alone. But, thank you for giving space as well. Someday I will be out of this pit, and then it won't be so hard to talk about. But for now I appreciate you letting me bring it up if I need to talk.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I made it to another October. The month that everyone in my same boat knows  about. I can't tell you what a comfort it was to learn that there was actually time set aside to help others understand while we grieve.

October can be tough in some ways. Michael's estimated due date (EDD) is in October. You might not understand why that would be difficult. The day he was actually lost should be more important, But getting to an EDD without a baby arriving is devastating. That day (though not many babies are actually born on their due dates) is a reminder of every wish, dream, and hope you had for your baby. 

This year would have been his second birthday. Some days it is so hard to see other kids around his age and know that's what I could have had. I would gladly go through the terrible twos, if I could just have my baby.

My life would be so different now if either Rachel or Michael made it. Sometimes it's hard to accept that I may never know what caused me to lose them. 

Now I have another EDD to "look forward to." And unfortunately it is right before Mothers Day. A day that already has been so painful will be compounded with the crushing pain of disappointed hopes. I'm going to ask in advance that you be extra patient with me on that day. I may just hide in a hole until it's over, but in your joy, don't forget the ones in great sorrow.

I do know that God had a plan, and somehow it is for my good. I also know that it's okay to ask God why. Though I don't understand it, He understands all. I truly believe that when we come to Him with "why me?" He holds us and grieves with us. He knows what it's like to lose a child. The God of the universe knows and isn't alarmed by how I'm feeling. 

God can handle your "why"... He may even give you an answer if you're listening. It may not be the answer you were wanting, but that's where we learn to trust that God's best for us is incomparably better than any plan we have for ourselves.

I want you to know, if this is a hard month for you too, you are not alone. Don't let the isolation of loss overwhelm you. I'm always willing to talk if you need it. 

Ishael Grace

Names are very important to me. They have been ever since God named Rachel. I knew that I really wanted God to name this baby too. We had many people tell us they really felt that the baby was a girl. I felt the same way! MMM and I did have a few discussions with each other teasing back-and-forth that it was definitely a girl for me or it was definitely a boy for him but in the end it did seem more likely that it was a girl.

While I was in the middle of losing the baby I did ask God for a name, but everything was so confusing that there was nothing clear after I asked. There are several names that were in my head but none of them seemed right. I was getting a little frustrated because I really felt like this baby needed to have a name and that it had a name already, I just needed to learn what it was. I even started asking some friends if they had any thoughts on what the baby's name was. None of them had the same name that was kind of going around in my head. I was actually glad, because I didn't really want that to be the name of the baby. 

Before I had the chance to ask her, a friend sent me a message about a name! Here's what she said...

"I just wanted to pass along that God told me a name when I was initially praying for you (when the Lord told me the baby was your daughter).  I didn't want to share the name at the time as I didn't have a chance to check what it meant when I heard it as it is unusual, but I asked over and over again and kept getting the same name  The name is Ishael.  I knew that the root -el means "of  God", but I had no idea what Isha meant.  My knowledge of Hebrew is pretty close to nothing.  So, after I got back from the trip, I looked up the root and it is used in Genesis in reference to Eve and Adam.  Isha means "woman" and Ish means "man".  So the name means "Woman of God", which I thought was quite powerful and amazing as I kept hearing that the baby was a girl.  I am not sure if this is what you are supposed to name the baby, but perhaps this is the name of the baby in heaven.   I just thought I would pass this along."

This is amazing in a few ways. When I was praying for a name and I had several in my head, I just felt like they weren't right because they didn't have "-el" in them. My friend learned the name in a very similar way that I had with the first two. It was clear, persistent, and meaningful. It was such a marked difference from the cloudy confusion of names in my head that I knew that she had heard God. And it technically isn't a name. I couldn't find it in baby name search engines. So it doesn't seem possible that God wasn't involved. 

But you know what struck me the most? With Rachel and Michael, they've always just been that. I've never thought of them with our last name. It just didn't seem to fit. Now Ishael has the only middle name (because I couldn't get Grace out of my head) and it would seem more natural to have a last name, but I still can't see it! 

None of our babies have our family name, but all three of them have God's name literally in their name. And it was like God was telling me this morning that these babies might have been in me, but they have always belonged to Him, and they are in His family, carrying His name. 

Do you realize how insanely awesome that it? The tiny little seed-size beings that were in me are special, treasured, meaningful beings in the King's family! 

Truly what a blessing it is to know that they are in His presence right now. Maybe they can even sing in three part harmony as they worship the creator.

That brings joy to my singers' heart. 

If I ever have children on earth I will gladly bear this burden, but having children in heaven brings so much peace. I never have to worry about their salvation, and where they stand with God! They have been worshipping Jesus in perfect adoration from the moment of their existence, really there can't be a better life to have than the life they have gained with Christ.

So now there are three. 

Rachel - EDD 7/7/13

Michael -EDD 10/17/13

Ishael Grace - EDD 5/3/16

Our Third

This time felt different. This time there was hope and plans for the future. This time there was excitement and we got to see others be excited for us. This time was longer and stronger. Everything looked like it was great! Then all of the sudden it was like the world came to a screeching halt and we were back two years ago in an instant. 

We had so many plans of how to tell the world of our joy. Now all we can do is ask the world to mourn with us. Mourn with us as we learn to live without our third baby. Mourn with us as we walk through each day not knowing what will trigger our (more than likely "my") tears. 

It almost feels impossible that I'm saying we just went through our third miscarriage. I am still in denial. But the facts are undeniable. The baby stopped growing, there was no heartbeat, the baby is gone.

What has surprised me is how different each loss has been physically and emotionally. This loss has been the worst in both ways. I'm barely beginning to process this now. All the little plans for the future that now are meaningless. 

This is hard. This is so hard. And I'm asking you all for patience. Some of you might think that I'm too open, and these things are best not talked about. I need you to know that I am a different person now. I have changed after each loss, hopefully for the better. But it is change. I need patience as I figure out who I am now. That might mean I'm less responsive, and I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling to handle a lot of interaction. Or for you "lucky" few, this might be the only thing I talk about for a while. Thank you all for just being there. I know there are no words to say. And it's true that there is nothing that can fix this, but just being present is huge.

Already the outpouring of support has been incredible. I feel so loved and I know our baby was truly loved too. That means so much to me. 

I'm truly amazed at my own capacity for emotion right now. One moment I feel like there is absolutely no hope in the world, and the next moment God gives me something to smile about. Even if that is just that one of my favorite songs just came on, or Thor was just acting really cute. It's those little moments that are going to get me through each day. And it's only by God's grace. I honestly do not know how anyone could go through this and survive without Jesus in their lives. Without Him there truly is no hope. But with Him, while this is a sad time for us right now, I know that there will be a day when we get to see and hold all three of our little ones. That gives me so much joy. Their lives had meaning and they have forever changed me.

Thank you all for being so supportive and kind. I don't know what this journey of grief is going to look like but I truly thank you for being there along the way.

Balloons

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, with October 15th being the specific day of remembrance. I didn't realize this until a friend of mine was sweet enough to give me a very good resource.  I found out that there was going to be a candlelight memorial service for those who've experienced loss on the 15th. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend, but then one of my dearest friends had a suggestion. She asked me if I'd like to send some balloons up with her. That meant so much to me....

So two days later we went to the park MMM and I got married at. It's a very special park to me, and a gorgeous one at that. It was a pretty windy day, and I'd been worried it would rain, but it cleared up just in time. My friend "S" picked up 3 balloons - a purple one for Rachel, a blue one for Michael, and a green one for her own son whom she lost a few years ago.

At first neither of us really knew what to say, but that didn't last long. We started talking openly about our losses and how they've affected us. I talked about how that day was Michael's estimated due date. Those who have miscarried will understand the pain that day can bring. I talked about the struggle of feeling like I should be nine months pregnant now and the reality of not being pregnant at all. She shared more of the pain of the loss of her young son, and some of the most difficult things for her to handle. We just talked to each other about our lost children and how to experience grief and also move past the circumstance. Above all, we both agreed that we never want to forget.

 She sent up her balloon to honor her son's birthday that just had passed. I sent up my balloons to honor those who never made it to their birthday. It was a truly powerful thing to do. We saw the wind lift our balloons and carry them away. I noticed right away that my balloons were tangled together. We watched them until they were specks in the Eastern sky, so far away from us. All the while my two balloons stayed together. It was like they knew they were meant for siblings almost close enough to be twins. Those balloons carried my notes and my heart toward heaven. I will always remember seeing them simply float away.

Remembering Rachel..and Michael..

Before I posted about my experience losing Rachel I actually had lost another little one. I just wasn't ready to share anything about it.

It was a different situation only in the fact that I didn't have the innocent excitement at being pregnant that I did the first time. I had all the same symptoms, in fact, it was pretty much a carbon copy of how things went the first time. I did all the same research that I'd done before, and I found an online community that I eagerly became a part of, and I've truly learned to love it. It is a community of women in pretty much every stage of life, and they have some great advice and support there. Anyway, it was a huge blessing for me to have this community to reach out to as I was waiting to know for sure I was pregnant. It was a really hard time though, because MMM was off on a work trip for over two weeks!

So it happened that I knew I was pregnant, and I lost it all while he was gone. It was so difficult dealing with it without him near by, but I was able to talk with him online often. Right away, I began to think 'am I going to ask God for another name', and before I could actually ask, the name "Michael" starting pounding into my head. Seriously, it was like the name was written on a nail and someone was hammering it into my forehead. It only stopped when I said "Ok, ok I get it! His name is Michael!" I can laugh at it a little now, because even in the midst of the darkness of loss, God still managed to get me out of my stupor and respond to Him.

I looked up what Michael means right then and it means "Who is like God?" I love that..I really do. It has been very special to me that my baby boy's name is Michael. It was like God was telling me "you don't need to understand why, just trust that I have everything under control". That was amazing to me. The truth is, I don't understand why I've lost two little ones already, but I do know that God is using my story and my experiences to be a blessing to others. I can praise Him for that!

Immediately after I lost him, I felt pretty numb. I almost didn't believe it was happening. It is amazing the amount of guilt one can feel for not mourning 'enough'. I felt horrible that I wasn't as sad about losing Michael as I'd been about losing Rachel. But I just hadn't allowed myself to let the mourning start. It was about a month  later that I actually started to cry and feel sad and deal with losing him. It was very difficult, and I really wish I would have let it happen right away instead of letting it build up inside of me.

Mother's Day came this year, and I could only be sad. I struggled (and failed often) throughout the day to keep my crying to a minimum, but it wasn't really working. I'm grateful for the wonderful family I have at church who helped me get through the day with patience and great understanding. One of the hardest thing I've dealt with (and still do at times) is just the worry that my babies will be forgotten by those around me. That their short existence didn't count for much. But I know now that won't happen. And even if those around me forget, I won't, and MMM won't, and most importantly God won't forget our loss and pain.

MMM was very sweet on Mother's Day and dealt with a weepy wife all day. But the best thing he did was go buy this beautiful plant for me.

My favorite part is that while it's blooming, it's blooming in two colors. The white changes to purple, but for a while you see both white and purple. So when we have a house, we're going to plant that, and every year when it blooms I'll see the purple and white and will remember my Rachel and Michael.

Rachel: Loss Turned to Gain

So, I have been thinking for quite a while about how I want to share this experience.  It is not an easy one to share, but I hope that God can use my story to bless someone else.  Maybe you have gone through the same struggle and you feel alone.  Hopefully my story will remind you that you are not alone in this at all.

A few months ago, I posted "Names" and "Name's Part Two" and discussed the importance of names in the Bible and also today. I shared stories of a friend of mine, and now I’ll share her last story.

My friend has several babies in heaven right now. Eventually it was adoption that gave them children. With her first baby gone to heaven, something special happened. She was at a Bible study when a stranger came up to her and told her that my friend needed to ask God what the gender and name was for her baby who was with Him. And that’s what my friend did. She asked, and she received.  Immediately, a name came to her mind, and this name has more significance in her life than I can tell you. But this is the story that leads to my story.

Many people probably don’t know this, but I have a baby up in heaven too. As it was, I barely had any time to be pregnant before I lost it. The pain I felt was the worst heart ache I have ever endured.  I didn’t know why then, but I think God allowed it and has been working through it to bless others already.  I didn’t know how to handle my loss.  To many people I’ve told, my loss hasn’t felt real to them because they never even knew I was pregnant. I can understand why it would be hard, but their unbelief just killed me. I needed them to know my pain, and they just couldn’t understand it.

Just like with any tragedy, or awkward situation, I had so many people trying to comfort me who were actually making me angry and upset by their careless words. There are still phrases that get me upset that people believe to be encouraging. One phrase that really got to me was “Don’t worry, you’ll see your baby in Heaven one day.”  I wanted to argue that they couldn’t know that for fact. I wanted to see my baby one day but the problem was this: I didn’t want to be encouraged. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to be emotionally distant. I didn’t want to build my hopes up for my future children just to have them dashed to the ground. It was a very difficult time for me (and still is sometimes).

But here’s where my friend’s story comes in to play. About two months after my miscarriage, I was just thinking about my baby when I remembered my friend’s story.  I was nervous to ask God those questions, but I figured I had nothing to lose. My biggest concern was it would just me talking to myself..making something up to help me feel better..not an answer from God.  But I asked anyway. I asked God what my baby’s name was. Immediately, I got a name: Rachel.  I was almost surprised that a name came that quickly! 

My concerns were taken away with that name, because I’ve never once considered naming my child Rachel. (Now if Eliana Mae came to mind, I’d know it was just me. :P) I looked up the meaning of Rachel right away. I was so curious because the name my friend had gotten was so significant. So I looked it up and Rachel means…sheep. Frankly I was disappointed.  It’s a beautiful name, but “sheep”? Really? But then the thought came to me. My baby is still innocent as a lamb and she will always be safe because she is already with her Shepherd.  A friend later reminded me that in Hebrew, words with “El” in them have the word “God” in them, so in my case, my daughter is God’s lamb. I really like that imagery. God loves her and has claimed her as His own.

That was such a comfort to me. It was in that moment that I truly understood that my baby is in Heaven. Our God loved her so much that He has given her a name. He allowed me to be her mom on earth for a short time, but now I will always be a mother. I may not have the physical proof of carrying a toddler around, but I am a mother, and no one can take that away from me.

One of the things I’ve learned in this process is how silence makes the thing we’re struggling with more powerful.  When I first was telling people about my miscarriage, it was so difficult and I could never get through the conversation without crying. Of course, crying isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not most wonderful thing if you’ve been crying all day like I was. Anyway, at first I didn’t know how to tell people. Bringing up the subject was awkward. It’s almost like the word ‘miscarriage’ is taboo.  The longer we don’t share our hurt with others, the harder it is going to be to overcome it.

Thank the Lord, there is a great community of people I’ve gotten to know who can relate to my pain. Of course I would never wish this upon anyone (on myself either), but I am so grateful to see how God is using this circumstance.  Through it I’ve been able to help friends begin the healing process, I’ve been able to help other friends understand better what I (and so many other women) am going through, and I’ve learned a whole new level of compassion.  A friend of mine had a miscarriage a few months before I did. I was so sorry for her then, but now I truly can understand her pain, and we’ve been able to talk with each other about it. That alone is a huge blessing. 

Though no one can see a physical change in me, I have changed in so many ways. Now I have a hurt that goes beyond words, but I also have the joy of being a mom.  I have the comfort of knowing another aspect of God’s incredible love for us.  One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that I lost her so early in the pregnancy that it would have been very possible to not even know I’d been pregnant, but I feel like God wanted me to know that. I wasn’t entirely happy about that at first, because if I wouldn’t have known I wouldn’t be feeling such pain. But now I’m so glad I know about my little girl. I may not be able to hold her in my arms, but I hold her in my heart. And I know that she is forever safe in my Father’s arms. That is truly all a mom could ever ask.

The art I asked my friend at Slightly Sprightly to make for me.