I'm Guilty

 I'm guilty of letting guilt rule my life. I'm just sitting here with tears in my eyes, and I'm done. I am done with feeling guilty.

With each loss I have dealt with major guilt. Maybe if I hadn't had alcohol. Maybe if I hadn't been eating food my body couldn't handle. Maybe if I hadn't taken ibuprofen. Maybe if I was at a healthier weight. Maybe if I was taking iodine. Maybe if I was taking progesterone. Maybe if I had eaten healthier foods. Maybe if I had taken it easier. Maybe if I prayed more. 

None of those maybes change the fact that we lost four babies and there was nothing we could do about it right then.

What if I could have saved them by going to the doctor sooner. What if I decided too quickly to take the meds to process the miscarriage. Why didn't I ask for the second ultrasound pictures. Why didn't I look at our sweet little one when I could have. Why did my body do this. Why can't my body handle what other women handle just fine. What is so wrong with me that this keeps happening.

It is exhausting. It is exhausting feeling like I failed my husband and my babies. It is so humiliating to see other women walk by and wonder inside if they could have given him biological children. My dear dear husband has reminded so many times that he doesn't blame me at all, but I blame myself. It was my body that decided I wasn't going to stay pregnant. It was my fault. Right?

It's not my fault. This is something I would never have chosen if given the chance. If I could have known the one miracle thing that would have saved my babies, there is nothing in this world that would have stopped me from getting it. I didn't choose this. If it physically is something with my body not being able to handle pregnancy, that is still not my fault. There is nothing more I could have done to try to protect our little ones. Allowing guilt to ruin my life is not helping anything.

So I've decided that this has to end. Guilt has eaten me alive. Guilt is not what Christ has given us. He has given us grace. He has given us love beyond measure. He doesn't want me to be in this bondage to guilt. And He doesn't want that for you either. If you are His child your slate has been wiped clean and the chalk broken. God isn't casting blame on us. 

Guilt is something that has brought be down to the pit. Lord, I confess that allowing guilt to rule my life is actually prideful thinking...that I can hold the weight of my decisions. Lord, I can't handle this on my own...I simply can't do it. I pray that You would break the weight that guilt has laid on me, and my brothers and sisters. Renew us with Your grace.   

Answers

It's hard to know where to begin. The last couple of days have been tough. There was yet another pregnancy loss in my circle of friends. It feels like an epidemic. So many losses. So many questions. And each time it happens I'm rushed back to the memory of seeing Ishael on the screen and not seeing a heartbeat and the tech trying to be hopeful, and seeing Connor on the screen and immediately knowing that our boy was gone. Those moments will be in my heart forever. And each time I'm reminded of them, it's like being stabbed in the heart. It is so incredibly difficult to break the hold of memories. To remember but not fall apart.

This friend's loss has been especially hard to handle for me. Just when everything seems to be going so well, it all comes crashing down. There is no guarantee, no security. The one place that should be the safest for our little ones becomes their tomb. It's dark and scary, and it's so impossible to deal with the guilt of not knowing what happened. And on top of that is that nagging doubt that there will be no healthy pregnancy in the future.

We've officially begun testing to see if there's an answer for our losses. I've gone through a couple of tests. They were both pretty standard (after lots of blood work, of course). And they both came back completely normal. I was disappointed. It's a strange thing to know going into medical tests that you want them to find something wrong with you. But it's the truth. Answers. I really want answers. I may not get answers. It is possible that we will have to decide if it's worth the risk to ever try for a healthy pregnancy again. That's just scary. It's a place I never imagined I would end up at. We are doing more testing, and I'm hopeful that an answer will be found. I do not feel much hope it will be a fixable problem.

I'm stuck in limbo. Testing takes an annoying amount of time. I feel like I can't continue life until we have a clear road ahead of us. And the biggest problem is that it may never be clear. I was talking to a friend recently, and she reminded me that I need Jesus to be enough. If we never have bio kids, will He be enough for me. If we never have adopted kids, will He be enough for me. Have I surrendered my life to Him. And so many days, the answer to that is "no". I want my life to go how I planned it. I don't want to wait for my dreams to come true, and I certainly don't want to give up on my dreams. But what if that's what He is calling me to? It's scary. It really is. But where did I get the idea that my dreams would be better than His plans. I don't know why I think so little of God. Seriously. If I really trusted Him, wouldn't I recognize that He can handle the day to day of my life, and every moment, big and small? I'm seeing how this will be a battle every day.

I sat down to play the piano tonight and was reminded of several songs I want to share with you. They have been a balm to my soul, and an encouragement to surrender my life to God's way.

Only You by David Crowder

Sovereign Over Us by Aaron Keyes

Come to the Altar by Elevation Worship

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey

Through All of It by Colton Dixon

He Knows My Name by Tommy Walker

Though You Slay Me by Shane and Shane

Wishes

I'm not a great journaler. I have spurts where I write frequently, and then I'll go months without a word. This has resulted in having my biggest life experiences all in one journal. I started this journal right after I got home from Germany in April of 2010. I'm about half way through the book now. So, yeah. I should work on that.

Tonight I was thinking about how I can look back on certain times of my life and realize how little I knew about life, love, loss, everything. It made me want to read back from the beginning of the journal. I definitely skimmed, but as I moved to the Windy City, and met MMM, each entry got more and more interesting. I remember writing the entry the night that he asked me to be his girlfriend and how my excitement was making my hands shake.
And then the next day this is part of what I wrote:

"Day two of having boyfriend and it's amazing. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was so excited, so I'm a bit tired, but it's all good...Whenever I think about what he said yesterday, I still get butterflies...This is such an odd feeling. I'm so excited about this!"

 

 

Reading this, all I could do was smile. I remember those feelings. I remember the butterflies. I remember jumping around the apartment because I was so excited that he had finally asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

Then I had a thought. I remember wishing I could know what would happen with MMM. I wondered if we would get married. I thought it would make it easier to go through each disagreement, and day of learning who each of us was, if we knew in the end we would get married. But I'm realizing that as much as I wanted to know how it would turn out, knowing wouldn't have allowed me to grow as a person. I wouldn't have the excitement of this new relationship. I wouldn't have had to try to really get to know him. It would have taken any need for effort out of the equation.

 

Now, four years later, I'm still wishing I knew how things would turn out. I wish I knew if I would get a diagnosis for why I keep miscarrying. I wish I knew if we would ever have biological or adopted children. I wish I knew if I would ever go through another miscarriage. I wish for so many things. But if I actually knew the future, would I be willing to wait for it? Would I have the courage to take each day in stride when I knew a particular heartache was coming toward me? Would I be able to enjoy the small moments of joy? I honestly don't think so. I think knowing my future would ruin my present.

 

This is where I think God is amazing. While we might wish and wish to know what's coming next, or when God's going to answer our cries; He knows that we are so weak that we can only handle our today. He knows that we will experience more joy by not knowing the moment of a proposal, or the first time you'll hear "I love you". There would be no excitement about life if you knew everything that was coming.  

 

I want to work on being more focused on the present. I have the tendency to get stuck in the past and ponder the future far more often than I actually enjoy the moment. I don't think that's very healthy. I want to be able to look back on my journal in six months and notice that I'm in the moment experiencing life and allowing myself to go through any and all emotions. I want to live authentically, and I want to trust my future to God.

 

I'm definitely in a season of uncertainty, but I know that God is going to use it in a special way to give Him glory. So I'm going to try to just walk faithfully through each day.