Hope in the Wait

There are so many words spilling around in my head this morning. I don't know that I'll be able to make much sense of them, but hopefully writing them out will help!

About a year and a half ago, I hosted an event at my church called Hope in the Wait for women struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The event itself definitely went well, and out of it I started a Hope in the Wait page on Facebook. Honestly, it's not a hopping place, but that's okay. When I started using Instagram for our adoption page, I started noticing what a great community there is for women in my position. So I created a second instagram account specifically for Hope in the Wait! (@hopeinthewaitutah for both fb and insta). And as the last year and a half has unfolded, I have just tried to share things that have encouraged me. 

As a person, I feel inadequate. I have a huge heart for this community, and I want to help others feel less alone. Because I feel so alone. I struggle with praying as much as I should. Do I actually know that God is leading me? It can be hard to tell sometimes. In some ways I feel like I have had enough experience to speak truth into the lives of others. In other ways I feel like I'm positively clueless. 

Looking at some of the other women who lead large ministries in the infertility/loss community, they always seem to have this vision of where God is going to take their ministry. Not having a huge vision makes me wonder if God is in this or not. My vision is small. Normalize infertility and loss. Speak openly so others might bravely speak too. Help others to accept that where they are at in their journey is simply where they are today. Tomorrow is a new day that God is orchestrating for good. Remind them that though their story is unique, we share a common ground. 

While my seemingly small vision doesn't have any numbers attached to it, we live in a society where numbers mean so much. It's hard to not get caught up in the desire to have more likes and follows and comments. But even as I'm considering that this morning, I know that if I only connected with a few women, and was an encouragement to them alone, it still is worth so much. However, rejection has been a huge struggle for me in my loneliness. So I think having those numbers has assuaged those feelings of rejection for a moment. 

At the beginning of this year, I started making plans for my second Hope event. It originally was set for May, just before mother's day, as a reminder that we aren't forgotten in the midst of this painful holiday. But, Covid. (Isn't it interesting how much weight one word can have? Everyone who has lived through this year knows what I mean when the only word I say is, Covid.) So I tentatively planned to have it in September, just hoping that Covid would have settled down enough by then. And in the meantime, I didn't focus much on it. I just went about my business. 

But as the date got closer, I got my speaker all figured out, and truly started praying for it like I always should be. So many prayers asking God to bring exactly who needed to be there, even if that was only one person. Prayers asking God to help me manage my own expectations. Prayers for someone to come alongside me as a helper. Prayers for this event to not be about me at all. And what a blessing it was to have several people tell me that they were seriously praying for it as well! The first year was definitely supported, but this year just felt like a different level of support, and I'm so grateful. 

It all came together. Games, a craft, sweet deals on gift basket supplies (gifts are always my favorite part!), my sweet friend as a speaker, and the answered prayer of helpers who came alongside of me. Everything was looking really positive, including multiple rsvps! The night before the event was very uninteresting until I made the horrific mistake of simply looking up. (Shocking, I know!) As I looked up, my neck slipped out of alignment. The pain was quite serious. The ensuing headache was similar in feel to the 45 day migraine I experienced last year. Immediately, I asked some friends to pray. This felt like more than an accident. Thankfully, I was able to sleep and go to a chiropractor in the morning, so there was at least a little improvement. And that was just the start of things not going as planned yesterday. All little things, but I had no doubt that Satan was trying to get at me. The struggle was just to not let him! I was determined to maintain a good attitude. 

Finally getting to the church was a relief, but as we were getting it all set up and ready to go, my anxiety of rejection kept trying to flare up. Thank you, God, for a sweet and calm presence in my helper. She helped me so much to let go of my expectations! Then the first lady showed up. Such a relief. Someone actually came. And then two more! I was thrilled to have three people come! And then two more!! In so many ways 5 people in attendance sounds like a meager number. But I couldn't have been more elated. Five women trusted me enough to show up to an event that exposes a vulnerability. Having those five women arrive nearly had me in tears. I had prayed so much that God would move, and that if this event just shouldn't happen, that He would be closing doors. And that if He wasn't going to close doors, that my actions would be a blessing to others.

Every moment of the event yesterday was a blessing to me. Small moments of connection, including actually having a gluten and dairy free snack that one of the ladies could actually eat! I had no idea that she needed it like I did, but I'm so glad I was able to be a blessing even in something small like that! Even the fact that we went overtime with sweet conversation was a boon to my soul. This event wasn't for me, and yet the presence of these particular ladies was a complete blessing to me. While I can't directly speak for those who attended, the consensus I've heard is that they were glad they came. I honestly couldn't ask for more than that. I've had so many encouraging words from the attendees and others standing in the wings praying. 

I have no clue what God is going to do with Hope in the Wait, but I really hope that He will continue to bless it for many years, so I can be used and be a blessing for others. My heart is so full this morning. To quote the speaker from yesterday, God doesn't waste our hurts. God, please, please, continue to make something beautiful out of the hurts I've experienced. 

 

Surgery Update

Today was my two week post-op appointment. It was such a great appointment and I can't wait to tell you more about it, but first, my surgery.

So my parents and I made it to Portland on Sunday, and immediately set off for the waterfalls on the east side of Portland. Unfortunately, with wildfires recently, most of the waterfalls weren't open for visitors. We did manage to see Bridal Veil Falls, and they were gorgeous! Also got to check out the columbia river gorge. Truly a gorgeous location. Supper was delicious at the same thai restaurant that I visited in Portland last time! It was wonderful, and I was able to get extra meals for after my surgery. And then we visited the best bakery in the world! Back to Eden Bakery is completely gluten free and vegan (so the dairy free I needed), and it makes me feel like a normal person! I got a soft serve ice cream cone!! So good!

Day two included my pre-op appointment. Getting closer to surgery definitely was making me nervous, but my surgeon made me feel so much more confident. I think working in surgery gives me a huge benefit going in for my own surgery. I was able to understand everything that he was going to do and that just proved to me how right I was to make the trip to Portland. Once my appointment was finished, we all went to the Pittock Mansion for a quick visit. It really was a lovely home. And then we headed out to Cannon Beach! It was cool to see the Haystack Rock! A lovely drive along the coast and then back to Portland concluded our day.

Surgery Day! I woke up at the insanely early time of 4am and couldn't sleep anymore. I worked on my puzzle from my gift bag from a dear friend. We headed to the surgical center and got set up shortly with the nurses. It is a single operating room at this surgical center, so it was nice to have the attention of the staff being so focused. I specifically requested to not receive Versed, a drug that relaxes you but causes mild amnesia. The anesthesiologist agreed readily though it was not a request he seemed to get often. Getting the IV placed was definitely the hardest part. I've struggled with IVs and blood draws my whole life. My anxiety increased significantly with the first attempt but the anesthesiologist did the second attempt and got it straight away. We quickly proceeded to the operating room where I got to meet the rest of the surgical crew. My favorite part of the surgery is that I know exactly what we talked about. And I remember waking up and talking with the surgeon. He confirmed that I had deep implants of endometriosis on my left side, where I've had pain for years. It was such a validation to hear it from him! He was able to remove all visible signs of endo successfully. I never felt  groggy or unlike myself. I could even help navigate us back to the hotel!

Recovery at the hotel went fairly smoothly. I definitely had some pain and swelling immediately after. But we kept everything very chill and relaxed. I slept off and on for the next 48 hours. Dad had to leave the day after surgery, and then mom and I flew back home on Thursday. I don't know what I would have done without mom's help. She got a wheelchair service set up, and it was incredible. I so appreciated all the help I was given. Flying so soon after surgery was so difficult and painful. I was so grateful again to have my mom's help and to get back home.

Each day has been an improvement in how I'm feeling. And my bursts of energy have continued to increase in duration and frequency. Having my follow up today was so great! I went to my local doctor to check incisions and she immediately remarked about how great of a job my surgeon did with my incisions. We also had a great discussion about why I chose to go to Portland! She seemed genuinely interested in seeing the resources on the Facebook group "Nancy's Nook" where I learned so much about my chronic illness and also where I found my surgeon! The conversation was just extremely fun too as we talked about food in Portland! I truly enjoy my primary care provider.

Tomorrow is my first shift back at work after surgery! I'm a little nervous but really excited to get back to work! I know that each day will get easier as I continue recovering from my surgery.  The hope I have is great! I'm really excited to see how my recovery continues and am truly hopeful that the symptoms of my endo will improve. And I have gotten a lot of questions about whether this surgery would change our plans for pursuing adoption over biological children. Our plans have not changed. We are so excited to dive into adoption and we are still praying specifically for the miracle of twins! Wouldn't that be incredible?! We are so excited! Please keep praying for us as we navigate this, and as I continue to recover from my surgery!

Finally, Cheesecake!

It has been a very long time since I was able to make myself cheesecake that was safe for me to eat! So, when I found a cream cheese substitute that I liked, I needed to find a way to use it! I found a recipe to make GF graham crackers, but was hesitant to try it.

 

Finally, I found S'moreables! I knew they existed, but had never found them in the store. I was very nervous about how they would taste, but I've had great experiences with this brand. I decided to buy a bunch of them so I would definitely have enough for a graham cracker crust.

 

 

 

I ate one cracker just to test it out and I was so happily surprised. So I got started with the crust by crushing the rest of the package in a ziplock bag. They are thicker than graham crackers, so I had a harder time getting them crushed up as much as I would prefer. I let MMM try one of the bigger chunks left and he was also surprised at the similarity to glutinous grahams!

 

 

 

 

 

I added sugar and melted DF butter to the crumbs to make the crust. I did the best I could to make the crust evenly spread out in the springform pan, but the larger chunks unfortunately did make it more difficult.

 

 

 

With the crust ready, I started working on the filling. "Better than Cream Cheese" is the cream cheese substitute I mentioned earlier. It is made from tofu! I was so surprised the first time I tried it with bagels. I was thrilled to get one thing back on my food list. I was, however, less than convinced that it would make a decent cheese cake. Lo and behold, I actually found a cheesecake recipe specifically using this brand!

I used two containers of Better than Cream Cheese. I really could have used at least four, but it is pretty expensive so I opted for a thinner version for my first try at this recipe.

 

 

The website I found with the recipe really just gave general concepts without specific measurements. So, according to the website, I added some lemon juice, vanilla extract, sugar, and a little salt and mixed it all together with my blender. I tasted it quickly and was so beyond happy with the result. It was sweet without being overwhelming. And so light and fluffy!

 

 

 

 

 

After 30 minutes!

With the filling in my springform pan, I put it in my toaster oven for just over 30 minutes at 325 degrees. I could see it gently bubbling through the oven door.

 

I let the cheesecake cool on the counter for a few minutes before allowing it to chill in the refridgerator for an hour.

And here is the result! I am so pleased with the outcome. Both MMM and my mom were delightfully surprised as well. It has been such a long time since I've eaten real cheesecake, it would be impossible to say if it tastes relatively similar. My mom declared that while it might not taste exactly like a cheesecake, it was still a delicious dessert! I think I'll be doing a happy dance for the rest of the night.

Northwest Vacation: Oregon, Part One

After we left White Salmon, WA, we drove across the Columbia River to Oregon.
The entire road went along the river, and it was stunning. The river is famous for windsurfing, and we saw many people out there!








We had several people suggest that we check out the many waterfalls along the Gorge. We decided to stop at Latourell Falls because it had a good hike that we had time to do!

There were actually two waterfalls. One was right at the beginning of the hike, and the one that most people see. The second was at least half way through the hike. I think I actually enjoyed the second one more.

At one point we came to a rocky precipice that we were able to look over. I was a tad nervous, but it turned out alright. We were actually pretty high up! I could see people walking on a trail far below us.

 The hike took us even farther down then we started. We had to cross a highway and walk through a park until we found this path under the bridge. The bridge itself was very impressive.

We eventually made it to the base of the first waterfall. Boy, was it crowded there. I was so grateful that we'd done the hike and not had so many people around.  Over all it was very beautiful, and we are both glad we made the stop.

On a side note, the entire trip we were having some trouble with our car. We thought it was taken care of before we left, but we weren't on the road long before we realized it was still an issue. So, I was so grateful to have booked our reservations through VRBO.com because then we had an actual personal connection with a local. She suggested a mechanic in Waldport, OR (about 30 from our destination) and we gladly set up an appointment with him.

On the way to Waldport we passed through Newport. The first thing we did was go to "The Gluten Free Place" to get some goodies. I had my first donut in over a year, and let me tell you something. It was amazing! It was so exciting to go into a store knowing that everything was safe (on the gluten side, and they had lots of dairy free options). 

The mechanic in Waldport was excellent. He took the car for a test drive and immediately had a diagnosis. He checked under the car and stated that it had to be the "cv joint" (keep in mind that I know next to nothing about cars), but unfortunately, he didn't have the part or the time to repair it. He referred us to a place back in Newport, so we set up an appointment for the next day. 

We made it to our accomodations about 15 minutes east of Yachats, OR (said yah-hots) and met our lovely host. She made us feel welcome right away and was glad to see us in one piece. I took less pictures in our time here for various reasons, but it was truly beautiful. Again, we were out in the forest with a river nearby, and the ocean only 15 minutes away. 

I can tell you for sure that MMM's favorite thing was the overabundance of blackberries. They truly are considered weeds in that area. They were at the perfect ripeness to be eaten so we ate a lot of them! 

Tomorrow I'll tell you more about our appointment with the Newport mechanic. It was an adventure to be sure. 

Germany!

This is pretty delayed, but you know what? I have been busy!

So earlier this year, I started bugging MMM about taking a trip to Germany to see all of my friends. He was reluctant but finally decided he was okay with it, so I started planning! If you know me at all, you should know that I thrive on plans and don't like doing things last minute! So I got our trip all planned out probably 2 months before we left.

We left a good friend at home with Thor while we headed down to Minneapolis to catch our flight. We decided to fly standby to Germany, but bought our return tickets. So far it's proved much harder to fly standby to the US than flying standby out of the US. Anyway. We made our international flight by the skin of our teeth, and were very fortunate to be able to sit next to each other! Neither of us slept so by the time we arrived we were truly exhausted!

We rented a car and started from the Frankfurt airport and drove up the Rhein. We stopped in a few small towns along the way to finding our hotel in Kaub am Rhein. Kaub really seemed like a ghost town! So many of the shops were closed by the afternoon, and we couldn't even find a legitimate grocery store! It was definitely interesting. One of the things I really thought was cool was how the city was built in layers. They had tiny staircases going from one level to the next. I honestly don't even know if cars could get to each layer.

I admit that we slept as soon as we got to our hotel. Jet lag isn't very fun! But we woke up ready to go the next day! And we drove to Remagen am Rhein where we stayed at a lovely hotel that had its own restaurant and had a worker who spoke English well enough to tell me what food was gluten free! The hotel was right on the Rhein river and had a ferry that took us to the slightly larger (read: tourist trap) town of Linz am Rhein where I looked for a grocery store with gluten free bread and other foods to no avail. (I was pretty discouraged about this at the time, but I did my best with what I had.)
We both really enjoyed Remagen and the scenery.

Day three we drove to Cologne. And let me just say this about driving. It is STRESSFUL! The Germany road signs are very different and the whole system is structured differently and at many points of the day we weren't even sure if we were heading the right direction, but miraculously we did make it to our hotel. We were both pretty tired still so we just stayed around the hotel. We did go for a walk and were caught in a downpour, which was....cold.

Day four we actually went into downtown Cologne and had our first stop at the El De Haus which was once a Gestapo headquarters. There was so much information there that we could have spent all day there. The basement was what interested me the most. It was used as a prison during the war.
Then we walked around the shopping district and even got to enjoy some live music!

There was a huge celebration at the cathedral of setting in a new bishop I think, so we had to wait awhile to get inside the church. It's size is truly amazing but it was so dark inside! Once we left we were in another downpour (yay us!) and decided just to go back to our hotel.
We went to a small nearby town and ate at a bar that had great atmosphere and not the best food.

The next day was my birthday! We went to the Hoffmanns house and relived my birthday from 5 years ago, except this time my friend made gluten free cake! Yay! It was so great to catch up with their family and to finally meet the newest member!

The next day we headed off with their gps to Bremen! It was a pretty good drive! We went to the old city and it was so quaint! Definitely one of my favorite places! And I got to see the Bremen Town Musicians statue!

Next we drove to the family I worked for and stayed one night there! It was so great to go back! The family situation has changed a lot so that was interesting. Before we left we ate lunch at the döner shop and talked to the guys! They remembered me from so long ago! That made me so happy.

We stopped in Hamburg briefly and I showed MMM St. Michealis church and we both agreed we liked it better than the cathedral in Cologne.

Our next stop was with my missionary friends! It was such a blessing to see them and catch up and hear the amazing things God is doing in their lives and in their ministry!  MMM really enjoyed chopping wood for their heater (I'm not kidding, he really enjoys it!) and eating fresh grapes from their vines!
We got to attend their church and it was very encouraging! I am so glad for the time we spent with them.

Then it was back to the Hoffmanns! While there we went out to eat and MMM was finally able to get the typical large beer! He was very happy. At the end I drove down to Frankfurt with MMM, dropped him off at the airport and then took a train back to the Hoffmanns for a week! And what a week it was! Full of late (very late) night chats with Em and much laughter and a few tears. It was just the refreshing time I needed and I am so glad it worked out!!!

In the end I took another train down to Frankfurt and flew home! A full 24 hrs of travel later, I finally made it back to the house and slept a loooong time!

That was our trip in a nutshell!