I had heard of this song before and I think I must have heard it on the radio before, but today was the first time I actually listened to it. It felt like the words had been taken directly out of my heart. Seriously, this song was meant for me. I love how God can use music to influence my life and I truly believe it's one of His favorite ways of communicating with me. I was lucky enough to hear it twice on the radio just tonight, and now that I'm home I've listened to it probably about 10 times just on youtube. It's already my new favorite. That's why I wanted to share it with you. Here is a piece of my heart coming from the words of Laura Story in her song "Blessings"...
Blessings
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Never Ending Battle
I haven't been able to see a doctor about my physical concerns, but I have been able to talk with some friends who are very knowledgeable about organic, healthy, home remedies. I am excited to try some of them. But for now, I must continue to wait and hope for some relief. The thing about having a blog that is this personal is that you really get to see me; my feelings, my emotions, my ups and downs. It's not hard to figure out when I'm the happiest and when I'm the most frustrated. But I hope, on top of that, that you will see how when I am frustrated, I always become happy again. I have a hope within me that allows me to experience pain and sorrow but always lifts me back up again. I don't know why I have to deal with these issues. I don't know what God's plan is in it. I don't see how God could be using it for any good. But, I know that God Himself is good, and He sees things I cannot see. Hopefully someday I'll have a better understanding of life and God's will, but until then, I will continue to live one day at a time. I will continue to look for remedies, for a cure. I will not give up hope. My God is bigger than these issues. He has the power to heal. If He chooses not to heal me (or just not yet), He'll also give me the strength to get through it. This never ending battle is not one I need to fight on my own. I will have bad days, and I will get discouraged, but I know I can count on God to be faithful, kind, loving, and perfect.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Weakness
I haven't written in 17 days. I think that may be a record. I've been really busy. Something is missing. I am missing something. There has to be more...there has to be. I feel very frustrated right now, my friends. I feel weak and wimpy for becoming so discouraged because of my pain. I see so many people in worse shape than I am, but does that make my pain invalid? Man, I just don't know. I'm scared that it'll never get better. Today, literally, my entire body hurts. And it's not that happy pain of knowing you just worked out for six hours or something like that..it's just pain. Pain with no known cause. Pain with no lasting relief. I've found that writing helps me to process things and move on, which is why I'm writing about this today. Sorry for the scattered-brain-ness of it. So many places in the Bible it talks about healing. Jesus healed entire crowds of people. Elisha (Elijah?) raised people from the dead. Peter's shadow healed people. Paul healed people. Obviously, I know that it wasn't the individual person who was healing, but Christ's power in them, but that makes it even harder for me to deal with. If anymore who has been endowed with Christ's power can heal, why haven't I been healed? It seems every time I am prayed for and I have really felt the Spirit moving, it's worse the next day. Why? I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of missing out on things because the pain. I'm tired of expecting each day to get worse as time goes on. I'm tired of walking around with welts all over me from scratching. I'm just tired of it. Can you give me any advice?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thankful Thursday - Lessons Learned
The day I walked into the nursing home to volunteer, I knew it would be hard, and I knew it would change me, but I never realized how much. My very first day I had to deal with something that nearly made me physically sick, and though it seems minuscule to me to now, it actually made me choose not to return and visit a resident. I am not proud of this. I found out recently that this certain resident passed away. I still feel guilty. I feel very guilty because I was weak, and I didn't allow myself to be a blessing. *sigh* But God has more in store for me.
I have had to deal with residents who are very bitter and depressed, some who are always angry. I have had to listen to stories and not know the truth in them. It is extraordinarily hard for me to find myself doubting what I'm hearing, but I do..sometimes I have to wonder who do I trust there, but then I remember that it's not employees vs. residents..they are all the same. They are equals, though perhaps sometimes not treated as equals.
The hardest thing lately has been working with adult day care goers who can seem completely capable, but have begun to get confused and have lost some memory. Having the same conversation over and over is now a frequent occurrence. It's just on a repeat cycle. I think I told one gentleman five times that I'm mostly German but didn't speak German at home. He simply doesn't remember asking me that question. And even today I was visiting with the sweetest lady and her mind was continually wandering. We would be talking about the flowers and she'd make a comment about her sister marrying someone, and a lot of times the context of her conversation would change mid-sentence!
It has been a huge reality check for me to see these people and realize that someday...that could be me...70-80 seems so far removed from my current 20, but time flies..it will seem like no time passed by the time I get there. I have a lot to learn about life. One resident burst into tears as he told me about his son who has passed away. As I rubbed his shoulder I just thought, what love this man has to share.
Meeting these people has taught me so much. I can see examples of how I want to be, and examples of how I don't want to be. I am faced every day with the very real possibility of losing a friend - a reality that they have known much longer than I have. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I want to live everyday for Christ. I want to do my best and be my best. I want to see God's hand in my life, and how He can use me to influence others lives.
Though volunteering at the nursing home has been difficult, I can't regret it. I'm thankful for the experience of learning from those who have experienced way more than I have. I'm thankful for the hard lessons I have learned. I'm thankful for the chance to meet these people and make a difference in their day. I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve. I'm thankful for the strength from God that allows me to be there.
I have had to deal with residents who are very bitter and depressed, some who are always angry. I have had to listen to stories and not know the truth in them. It is extraordinarily hard for me to find myself doubting what I'm hearing, but I do..sometimes I have to wonder who do I trust there, but then I remember that it's not employees vs. residents..they are all the same. They are equals, though perhaps sometimes not treated as equals.
The hardest thing lately has been working with adult day care goers who can seem completely capable, but have begun to get confused and have lost some memory. Having the same conversation over and over is now a frequent occurrence. It's just on a repeat cycle. I think I told one gentleman five times that I'm mostly German but didn't speak German at home. He simply doesn't remember asking me that question. And even today I was visiting with the sweetest lady and her mind was continually wandering. We would be talking about the flowers and she'd make a comment about her sister marrying someone, and a lot of times the context of her conversation would change mid-sentence!
It has been a huge reality check for me to see these people and realize that someday...that could be me...70-80 seems so far removed from my current 20, but time flies..it will seem like no time passed by the time I get there. I have a lot to learn about life. One resident burst into tears as he told me about his son who has passed away. As I rubbed his shoulder I just thought, what love this man has to share.
Meeting these people has taught me so much. I can see examples of how I want to be, and examples of how I don't want to be. I am faced every day with the very real possibility of losing a friend - a reality that they have known much longer than I have. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I want to live everyday for Christ. I want to do my best and be my best. I want to see God's hand in my life, and how He can use me to influence others lives.
Though volunteering at the nursing home has been difficult, I can't regret it. I'm thankful for the experience of learning from those who have experienced way more than I have. I'm thankful for the hard lessons I have learned. I'm thankful for the chance to meet these people and make a difference in their day. I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve. I'm thankful for the strength from God that allows me to be there.
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