Our Adoption Journey - Part Three

Catch up here!

Part One

Part Two

And now the conclusion.

-----------------------------

I couldn’t have imagined our time together going better than it did. The conversation was so comfortable and easygoing. We discussed some important issues, but mostly maintained a relaxed discussion. Our agency mentioned several times how amazed they were that we asked to meet her at our home. They had never had a first meeting at the adoptive home.

 

The expectant mom got to see where this baby could grow up. We gave her the full tour, including walking down the stairs to the creek behind our house. Supper time arrived and we were able to eat outside in the beautiful weather. I was so glad that we were able to show her our normal life. We truly had a great time.

 

The most amazing thing happened as everyone got ready to leave. She told us that she felt even more confident in her decision to place her baby into our care because we had opened our home up to her. My heart felt like it could explode at that moment. We desperately wanted her to know how important it was for us to maintain a relationship, and her words confirmed that hope. It was still such a new thing, but I felt more confident than ever that we could have an open adoption, and we could do it well!

 

Later that night, I was struggling to fall asleep after the excitement when I realized that I needed to turn the ringer of my phone on. The due date was two weeks away but the baby could be born at any time. God must have given me some good intuition because just three hours later, at 2:45am, I got the call from the agency that they had just arrived at the hospital. They laughingly suggested that the walk down to the creek must have been the instigator. While we were still on the phone with the agency, we heard something incredible in the background. Just moments after making it to the hospital, the baby was born! My husband immediately called into the phone saying that he didn’t want to know the gender until we reached the hospital! In utter shock, we grabbed a couple of things and headed out the door for the hour long drive.

Driving an hour down to the hospital at 2:45am

 

Upon arriving at the hospital, we were able to check in with the baby's mom and hang out with her for a while. It was there that she told us it was a boy! When he was three hours old, the hospital allowed us to go see him for the first time. What a crazy whirlwind of emotions. He was absolutely beautiful from head to toe. It seemed so hard to believe that he might be our son!

 

Over the next thirty-six hours we got to hold and feed him and also spend time with his mom. I will cherish that time forever. And then the moment came. While she and his father had chosen us already, there was still paperwork that needed to be signed in order for us to be given guardianship. Up until the moment those papers were signed, his mom had every right and option to change her mind. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I was devastated that adoption was the better option for this sweet mother and son, and yet, I was terrified that it wouldn’t happen and he wouldn’t be our son. It is the cruelest form of joy.

 

Check out the cutest little milk mustache

I will never forget the moment that I received a text from the agency letting us know that his mom had chosen to go through with placing her son with us. It couldn’t be real. We got to see her shortly after and I was so nervous that it would be awkward, but it was such a beautiful moment of gazing at the son the three of us now shared. I reassured her that this moment wasn’t the end of her relationship with him, it was just the beginning.

Each moment we got to spend with our son’s birth mom was precious and so treasured. We quickly became Facebook friends with her and multiple other family members. I’m so grateful that our son will know just how deeply he is loved by family on every side. Every day that we’ve been able to stay in contact with his biological family has added to the beauty of our experience.

Levino with both sides of his family

 

Nearly every day I wake up needing someone to pinch me. Now I get to soak in the beautiful sadness that encompasses every adoption. I’m so sad for him that adoption is something he didn’t choose for himself, but I’m so very grateful that I get to walk through it with him.

 

Our first picture as a family of three

Somehow I still can’t believe that this is real life. That a family chose us and we actually have a child! We never have to wonder again if God’s plan will include parenthood. And now being on this side of adopting, I can see things so much more clearly.

 

If we wouldn’t have gone through those two and a half years of trying to connect by word of mouth, I know we would have signed on with a lower quality agency. I needed those years to realize the value of a consultant. When I found her, her business was still fairly new, and it was amazing that I found her even then. If I hadn’t found our consultant, we would never have heard of this agency. Without the generosity of friends we would never have renewed our home study, so we wouldn’t have signed on with the agency, and wouldn’t have been able to present or be chosen in this case. I believe that if just one of these pieces of our journey had changed, we wouldn’t have our son today.

Levino wearing the first onesie we ever bought

 

So many days I wondered what God was doing. But His plan was so much better than mine. So many little aspects of our adoption story are such tender mercies. Smaller desires that He provided when it wasn’t necessary. Our son is the perfect fit for our family, and I’m so grateful that God kept us on the road to him.

We couldn't be happier!

 

I know with so much confidence that God is good no matter what, but I’m grateful beyond words that He chose to display it by bringing two families together for our son. Our lives will forever be interwoven, and I’m grateful beyond words for this amazing chance to finally be his mom.

Levino Scott,
You are so deeply loved

Our Adoption Journey - Part Two

If you haven't read Part One - Find it here.

-----------------

  On December 23rd, 2020, we shared on our adoption Facebook page that we made the difficult decision to not renew our home study in March unless we are matched with an expectant mother by the end of February. We specifically asked people to share that post and the response was enormous. To give some comparison: we had an introductory post that we paid Facebook to share far and wide. We would pay to run the ad every weekend for up to forty dollars, and the best that post ever accomplished was eighty-eight shares. I was truly excited and encouraged that paying for the ad had such a great result.   However, with our post about our decision to let our time run out, we chose to see how it would do without paying anything to advertise it. Within three days the post was shared one hundred and ten times! Facebook estimates that almost eight thousand people saw it in their personal news feed.  These numbers are truly incredible to me. We were completely blown away by the support and hoped it would make all the difference. Sadly, no connection was found through social media.

It is still shocking to me that this post reached so many people

On New Year’s Day, we received a very unexpected call from our consultant. An agency who recently had given us a potential case had specifically asked if we would be open to presenting to a new case. They singled us out! I’ve never heard of that happening. We got to speak with the agency directly and eagerly said we would love to present. It was so wonderful to learn that we do have a local adoption agency that shares our values for expectant family support.

Over the next few weeks, I got to know this agency well as we waited for the mother to make a decision for her child. Ultimately, she chose to parent her baby and I was thrilled for them! Our time was running out now. It seemed our dream was at its end.

No one would have known that we'd just received another "no"

Then late in February, I received a phone call from a friend with a shocking offer. She said that she felt that our journey wasn’t over. If money was standing in the way of us renewing our home study, it would be provided for us. I was dumbfounded by this generous offer. 

We’d been trying diligently to walk through the doors that God was opening, and this was no different. We decided to accept the sweet gift and see what He had in store. Recently, our consultant advised us to sign on with agencies in addition to working with her. We decided to sign on with the agency that we’d just gotten to know and love.

Immediately, they informed us that they were working with an expectant couple that they thought might be a good fit for us. It felt too good to be true! When they sent out the official case, we immediately knew that we wanted to present our profile. From time to time, we would tell our family that we were presenting to a potential case, and this was one of those times. We knew we would have some of our best odds ever, and it felt like this might be our time. If we weren’t chosen with these odds, it felt like it would never happen. We asked them to pray.

Our profile book introduction

We sent in our profile knowing that the expectant family would be looking at it around noon. We knew that it could be hours or days before we found out if we were chosen or not. It seems pretty common practice within the adoption world that if you aren’t chosen you’ll receive an email. But, if you are chosen, you’ll get a phone call. I was getting ready to pick up my mom from the airport around 4:00pm, and needed to fill my tank with gas first. I realized that I’d need to go to the cashier to grab my receipt, so I went to grab my car keys and saw that my phone was ringing. It was our consultant! My heart felt like it fell out of my body. 

I rushed to answer my phone before I missed her and heard her immediately ask if my husband was nearby. Inside my head I was screaming, “There is only one reason she can be calling! This can’t be real.” She said the words I truly doubted I would ever hear, “The expectant mom chose you!” Right there in the gas station, I burst into tears as I confirmed that this was truly happening. To wait for three and a half years, constantly feeling that we weren’t what any expectant couple wanted to suddenly feeling seen by someone I’d never met! I will never forget that moment. 

As soon as I got back into my car I got to make the best phone call to my husband. Was this real life? I still needed to drive to the airport in the middle of my shaking and randomly bursting into tears. My husband sent a text out to our family group message.  “WE ARE CHOSEN!” 

My phone started erupting with messages that I couldn’t wait to read! I called one of my dearest friends with the happiest news and she celebrated in shock with me. Knowing that I was soon to see my mom, I dedicated my time driving to the airport to calling my three sisters to discuss our excitement. Each conversation began with a shared scream of joy. My sisters all had the same sense of overwhelming excitement. This is real, right? We even had a few family members send a text confirming that Mark was not joking. He quickly responded that this truly was happening and we finally had the news we’d been hoping for for years. 

Just the beginning of the text message celebration

I was still shaking intensely and couldn’t help jumping in joy when I first saw my mom. She was the very first person I got to hug after hearing the amazing news. She and I were both speechless for several minutes. She took over driving, thankfully, and I was finally able to see the massive celebration from our extended family. This was the moment we had all prayed for, but weren’t confident would happen. It was incredible. 

Two days later we received our first text from the expectant mother. I was so nervous to talk with her and the expectant father. They quickly put us at ease with amazing conversations about their likes and dislikes, family ancestry, and their desires for their baby. It was amazing all around. We quickly learned how many things we had in common and some of the reasons that they had chosen us. It was the most incredible time. And yet, it was such a confusing emotion to sit in. We longed for this to be our child, but how could we wish that decision on anyone? 

When the day finally came that we got to meet the expectant mom at our home, we were beyond excited and nervous. Would it be awkward? Would she still choose us? Would she decide that we weren’t what she was looking for in parents for her little one?

-----------

To conclude in Part Three!

Our Adoption Journey - Part One

We had nearly given up. We were weeks away from being done. But God wasn’t done with us yet!

--------------------

In January 2018, my husband and I started the home study process to try to adopt domestically. In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant fees. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Completing the education requirements for our home study

Despite all of the work it took to get through the process, we managed to get home study approved in just two months! Surely this meant that God was paving the way for a fast match, right? 

Months passed without any match. We had several connections that seemed like great potentials, and yet, still no match. We chose from the beginning to pursue a word of mouth connection, so we made social media accounts and business cards to pass out. It was a long learning process with our pursuit of a personal connection. We ended up changing the name of our social media accounts multiple times in order to better represent ourselves. We drove around to churches and gave them a business card just in case they might have a connection. Eventually, we even hired a social media manager who helped us fine tune our Facebook advertising strategy.

This verse inspired the decision to start preparing our nursery

We finally made a contact that we felt so hopeful about! Things seemed to be headed towards a match when we got the devastating news that the baby had passed away. It was several months later that we had our next real possibility. There were a couple of things that didn’t seem like a great fit, but the reason we were given for us not being chosen was that I was at that time on medication to manage anxiety and depression. It was so demoralizing to feel like no matter what I did, it was my fault we didn’t have children. 

So many days would pass between connections. It was hard not to wonder if we were on the right path! Without fail, the days that I would be at my absolute breaking point would be the day that God brought encouragement! Sometimes it would be the hint of a potential connection and other times it would be a reminder from a friend that we weren’t alone. We had so much support. 

We began with just a rocking chair, bassinet, and a blanket that I made

Another potential came along that we were quite hopeful about! It seemed that we were getting closer to being matched than ever before. And then again, the sweet little one passed away. I knew how common miscarriage was because of my own history of recurrent loss, but this stung in a different way. I struggled against the feeling that every child who had even a potential connection to me was doomed to die. I felt guilty for a baby that wasn’t mine to lose. This feeling was enhanced in the worst way. We made a tentative connection with a mom who was trying to decide between placing her baby for adoption and having an abortion. She chose the abortion. We were devastated. 

Holidays came and went with no evidence or hope of a child’s presence. And still, God brought encouragement every time I was ready to throw in the towel. I would ask Him for a confirmation that we were following His plan instead of our own. He never failed to bring the needed encouragement.

The first onesies we ever bought

For two and a half years, we rode this rollercoaster pursuing a word of mouth connection. We had discussed early on that eventually we would sign on with an agency if we hadn’t adopted yet, but I was still shocked when my husband said he was ready to take that step. Instead of signing on with an agency, I’d learned that we would probably be better off signing with a consultant as they work with multiple agencies and thus have a larger network. This began my search for the right consultant. We had one misstep before we found the consultant for us. She is passionate about ethical adoption, advocating for expectant mothers, and truly helping us as prospective adoptive parents. 

It was a new experience to receive cases with her and know that any case could be our match. But, time and time again, we weren’t chosen. Doubt kept creeping into my mind. Were we truly where God wanted us? Did He instead want us to pursue foster care like so many people suggested? Once again, I asked God for confirmation that we were supposed to be pursuing a private adoption, and He delivered! 

 Matching stuffed animals for both our future child and their birth mom

And still, getting to yet another childless Christmas brought us so low. We had frequently been discussing what our lives would look like if we never had kids. I was beginning to accept that God’s goodness was not dependent on Him making me a mother. He would still be good even if motherhood wasn’t part of His plan for me. It was a hard truth to learn, but it brought me so much peace. I was able to say more confidently than ever, “Your will be done.”

Another year, another Christmas without a baby

We knew our home study was set to expire in March 2021, just a few short months away, and we made the decision to not renew it for the third time. We asked for one last push on social media for a word of mouth connection. We prayed that God would work a miracle. 

--------------

To be continued in Part Two

Girls Trip

I had the opportunity this last month to take a girls trip to California with J, and it was a blast! We headed on the road to Vegas around noon so we could see the city that night. I’ve never been there before, and I’m glad I went. Now I know that I don’t really want to go again. There were a few things I liked though. Eating at In-N-Out is always a favorite! And the buildings were truly beautiful!

The water show at the Bellagio was cool!

 There were several things I didn't like about Vegas. It is called Sin City for a reason, but I didn't really know how badly my senses would be accosted with the demeaning of women. It really bothered me, so much so that I know I'll never be going back to the strip again.

The next day was better, however! J and I went to the Hoover Dam for the first time. It was absolutely massive. It's truly amazing how they were able to construct it. The heights were a bit scary at times, but it was so cool to see!

This was inside the power plant.
Those turbines continued another
40 feet under the ground!

So glad we didn't have to drive this bridge!

 After the Hoover Dam, we drove on to California! The main reason we made the trip at this time was specifically to go to an event with our favorite podcast hosts! The show was so much fun. I laughed so much. And finally being able to meet them in person was such a thrill. My favorite part is that they knew who I was as soon as I said my name. I've talked to them so many times on the phone, it truly feels like we are friends.

The party has begun!

We were in the second row! It was so fun to be so close.

We enjoyed meeting Jason Gray. His music was such a good fit for the show.

We met them!! Here are Brant and Sherri! Seriously, I'm still so excited to have met them. 

After the show, it was time to make our way to Laguna Beach to stay with J's family. They had a lovely home just a couple blocks from the beach. We spent a good portion of our day in California on the beach with good food (Whole Foods is the bomb) and Brant's great book!

We really had such a good time!

As a thank you for staying at their house, J and  I made supper! I was quite pleased with how it turned out. And afterwards, we got to go bowling! It was so much fun! I'm truly terrible at it, but I love it anyway.  I happened to have a fantastic streak of 7 gutter balls in a row before they got the bumpers going for me. Hehe. I did have a few strikes that didn't touch the bumpers at all though. So, I think I got better with time.

We left the next morning around 4am, and I'm happy to say that I finally drove in California. And yes, I'm the one who chose 4am so I didn't have to worry about traffic. It was a long drive back to Salt Lake, but we spent a lot of it listening to our new Jason Gray cds. It's hard to beat a road trip!


P.S. You should totally check out Brant Hansen's podcast at www.branthansen.com

The day before a positive

 Two years ago on Christmas morning I chose not to take a pregnancy test (though I was confident it would be positive) because I didn't want to be disappointed with a negative. Instead, I chose to wait for the day after Christmas, just in case. Lo and Behold, it was undeniably positive. You may guess what my first reaction was...

jumping up and down, running to hug MMM, doing a little happy dance...

No. My response was to lay back down, tell him "yup" and try desparately not to cry out of terror of what that positive test meant. Looking back I can say with confidence that I should have let myself heal more from our last loss before starting the journey again, but being in the midst of grief and willing to do most things to fulfill a lifelong dream? Yeah, I wasn't thinking clearly. We were leaving shortly for my family reunion, so I had no chance to get bloodwork done. I didn't allow myself any hope until I saw good test results.

I broke down with my sister on the drive home from the airport. I was barely surviving knowing that I was pregnant again. It is a weird experience of emotions, to want something so terribly and yet be in horror that it was happening. I wasn't planning on telling my sister yet, but I was too overwhelmed.

The day after I arrived, I decided to go into our hometown clinic to ask for bloodwork. I had a different sister go with me. Two of them knew now, but I wanted to make it a surprise for everyone else, if there was something worth making a surprise for. She and I waited what seemed like forever. As always, the blood draw was not fun and took several tries. Then the neverending wait (it was only 30-45 minutes I think ) to hear the lab results. Finally, they arrived. My sister and I waited nervously for the doctor to tell us the numbers. Every test they took was in the perfectly healthy range for being 4 weeks pregnant. 

A breath of relief. But I had good numbers at first last time too...new anxiety.

The doctor arranged for me to come back in a couple days for a repeat draw. MMM arrived in time for my second appointment.

 Same terror, same anxiety, new day. Blood draw again... still didn't go well. And the neverending wait for results. We were both nervous. Here comes the doctor.

Good news! Test results are amazing! My numbers more than doubled like they should have. All excellent signs of a healthy little one. We decide to finally tell the rest of our family. We had a small surprise planned, and it went off without a hitch. Everyone was excited and happy for us.

Yet there is still a feeling a doom in the air.

Six weeks and Four days: the first ultrasound.

We go to the chiropractor first thing in the morning. I'm so tense that I feel the adjustment didn't make any difference. I sat by the front door waiting for MMM.

Breathe, just breathe.

A worker comes over to talk to me. She has 6 little ones waiting for her in heaven and 6 little ones on earth. She gets it...she understands. She knows there is nothing she can say to calm my nerves, but her presence is enough.

At the hospital, they are running behind. They are waiting for a specialist. My heart sinks for the poor mom waiting, it most likely is bad news. My anxiety increases, I feel a lot of pain as my bladder is about to explode. MMM gets up to ask how much longer..he hates seeing me in pain. I love him for that.

It's finally our turn.

Breathe, keep breathing

There it is! A heartbeat! A tiny flutter on the screen that we've never seen before. I smile at the tech, "no matter what, this is the best pregnancy yet!". She smiles back and congratulates me but is reminding me that despite this good news, this pregnancy is not guaranteed to last. I appreciate her understanding and honesty. She got it. She understood. And she was happy for us in the present.

Everyone is on pins and needles. We start calling immediately. There's a strong heartbeat! Everyone rejoices!

We decide to go ahead and announce on facebook right away to ask for prayers. We use the picture we planned on using in our last pregnancy. Facebook explodes with joy and prayers.

One moment of peace and joy. We finally got to announce, maybe this will be the one.

Eight weeks, six days.

Everyone at church is excited for us! I notice another pregnant lady down the hall. I feel an undescribable feeling of doom. I instantly know that something is not right. I sit down on the stairs behind me.

Breathe, just keep breathing

A friend, and fellow loss momma finds me and asks what's wrong. I tell her that I'm not sure, but I'm scared the baby isn't okay. She looks concerned. She prays everything is okay. She gets it, she knows. She reminds me that we can't know anything for sure, so just try to hope for the best.

I go home. We just received a home doppler. The baby should be big enough to get a reading by now.

Static...

Every week we try the doppler at least once.

Static...

Maybe the baby is in a weird spot? Maybe the placenta is in front? Maybe the machine isn't that powerful? Maybe?

Eleven Weeks

We go to California to visit family. Lots of belly rubs and excited chatter about taking it easy for the baby.

Is there even a baby still there?

Still feeling every symptom, enjoying being fussed over.

Is my baby still there?

Sitting by the ocean, waves pounding the shore.

Will you really call me to deal with this again, God?

Out to eat with a different side of my family.. and not feeling well. I excuse myself for a minute.

Spotting...

I text my sister under the table. I'm scared, but know it is inevitable. I ask her to spread the word through my family. PRAY! I try to act normal. Tap MMM to look at the text I just sent. He holds my hand without a word and trys to act normal for me.

I can't discuss the probable outcome, just get through the night.  

I text my sister-in-law to let her know once I go to bed. We text back and forth, and she tries to remain hopeful.

 

The spotting stopped? Maybe?

We leave for home the next day. There currently is no spotting, but I feel no boost in confidence. I call my doctor and leave a message. I know that there are many reasons spotting could happen but none of them apply to my situation.

We had planned to get together with new friends the following day. I texted the wife to apologize and cancel..

"I am worried I am miscarrying again."

They offer to bring us supper instead. I gratefully accept.

Eleven weeks and Three days

I go back to work. My boss  knows my story, she knows I had spotting..she's almost as worried as I am. Work is going alright for a while.

Spotting...

I feel myself hold the scream of anguish inside.

My boss comforts me. She insists it is absolutely ok for me to leave as soon as my doctor orders the ultrasound. I get the call. It's scheduled. I leave to pick MMM up from his work.

Silent glances as we drive towards our reality.

The ultrasound tech does not keep us waiting. I'm nearly in tears already. Her first attempt comes up empty. The baby is too small to see clearly. Her second attempt shows us the baby briefly, then she quickly gets the other images she needs for the routine ultrasound to be complete. She goes back to the baby.

No flutter...no movement

He squeezes my hand

She glances at us.. "I'm so sorry. The baby only measures 8.5 weeks, and I do not see any heartbeat. I'm so sorry for your loss."

Silence. Numb. Cold.

We are leaving the hospital. He turns toward me.. "are you okay?" "No."

Will I ever be okay?

I text everyone who is waiting for an update. I text those we had plans with that night. Responses flood in. My phone rings, but I can't answer. I leave MMM back at work and drive the 30 minutes home alone. I call a friend, hysterical. She is devastated. I call another friend, cold, numb, and in denial. She is devastated. I make it home alive.

What do I do now?

There is nothing to do but wait for a phone call from my doctor. I get an email from MMM. He's written something to post on my blog. My first ever guest post, and most likely the only one that he'll ever write. I share it. Facebook is flooded. That post is the most read of any on my blog. Everyone is devastated.

Numb

Eleven Weeks, Four Days

The doctor calls.. "I'm so sorry, here are your options..."

I choose to stay home with medication. The pharmacy tech knows what the medication is for.

A sympathetic glance

I force myself to take medication that will make my body give birth to my little one. My womb should be the safest place, now it is a dark tomb. Friends bring food. They pray for God to speak to us.

The bathroom floor is my bed for most of the night. A friend stays up with me texting back and forth. It takes my mind off of things. The pain has subsided. I try to go to bed. I wake up in agony. My water broke. My little one is born.



I can't look, but I want to...I can't.

I choose not to look at my baby, knowing I may one day regret it.

I finally sleep and dream.

Connor...

My baby has a name. God spoke. He's still there. I don't understand. But He's still there.

We agree to give Connor a middle name, just like his sister before him.

Connor Elliot..So highly desired, but God is still God.

Eleven weeks. Farther than ever before. Terror, anxiety, joy, hope, pain, calm, excitement, devastation. So many emotions in such a short time. Some of the best and worst 11 weeks of my life. They have shaped me more than I can say. Today, the day before I got a positive test...This is the story that I'm reminded of. How many years will this be the story? I'm so grateful for this hard and painful story, because it is mine. 





Finally, Cheesecake!

It has been a very long time since I was able to make myself cheesecake that was safe for me to eat! So, when I found a cream cheese substitute that I liked, I needed to find a way to use it! I found a recipe to make GF graham crackers, but was hesitant to try it.

 

Finally, I found S'moreables! I knew they existed, but had never found them in the store. I was very nervous about how they would taste, but I've had great experiences with this brand. I decided to buy a bunch of them so I would definitely have enough for a graham cracker crust.

 

 

 

I ate one cracker just to test it out and I was so happily surprised. So I got started with the crust by crushing the rest of the package in a ziplock bag. They are thicker than graham crackers, so I had a harder time getting them crushed up as much as I would prefer. I let MMM try one of the bigger chunks left and he was also surprised at the similarity to glutinous grahams!

 

 

 

 

 

I added sugar and melted DF butter to the crumbs to make the crust. I did the best I could to make the crust evenly spread out in the springform pan, but the larger chunks unfortunately did make it more difficult.

 

 

 

With the crust ready, I started working on the filling. "Better than Cream Cheese" is the cream cheese substitute I mentioned earlier. It is made from tofu! I was so surprised the first time I tried it with bagels. I was thrilled to get one thing back on my food list. I was, however, less than convinced that it would make a decent cheese cake. Lo and behold, I actually found a cheesecake recipe specifically using this brand!

I used two containers of Better than Cream Cheese. I really could have used at least four, but it is pretty expensive so I opted for a thinner version for my first try at this recipe.

 

 

The website I found with the recipe really just gave general concepts without specific measurements. So, according to the website, I added some lemon juice, vanilla extract, sugar, and a little salt and mixed it all together with my blender. I tasted it quickly and was so beyond happy with the result. It was sweet without being overwhelming. And so light and fluffy!

 

 

 

 

 

After 30 minutes!

With the filling in my springform pan, I put it in my toaster oven for just over 30 minutes at 325 degrees. I could see it gently bubbling through the oven door.

 

I let the cheesecake cool on the counter for a few minutes before allowing it to chill in the refridgerator for an hour.

And here is the result! I am so pleased with the outcome. Both MMM and my mom were delightfully surprised as well. It has been such a long time since I've eaten real cheesecake, it would be impossible to say if it tastes relatively similar. My mom declared that while it might not taste exactly like a cheesecake, it was still a delicious dessert! I think I'll be doing a happy dance for the rest of the night.

40+

So, MMM decided a change had to happen. Our pile of shoes NEEDED to decrease.

I guess he was right. 

We laid out every pair of shoes that were currently in the house.

There were over 40! That truly is ridiculous. 

My only defense is that some of them weren't actually mine, but that's a small justification.

MMM had fun documenting just how many shoes we had.

He has been prodding me to get rid of shoes probably our whole marriage!

We managed to get rid of nearly half.

Think we made a dent? I do.

But it does make me consider how spoiled we really are being here. 

It's the classic guilt inducer "hungry kids in China" or "shoe-less kids in Africa",

but even if I get rid of a few pairs of shoes, I'm really not doing much (if anything at all) to help those kids. 

Should I get rid of all my shoes and go barefoot? I don't know. 

I think we should be generous with what we have. 

I think we should be willing to give up what we have when we come across people in need. 

It's not an easy thing to do. 

I pray we can all increase in generosity, so that in our generosity, the name of Jesus may be praised.

Remembering Rachel..and Michael..

Before I posted about my experience losing Rachel I actually had lost another little one. I just wasn't ready to share anything about it.

It was a different situation only in the fact that I didn't have the innocent excitement at being pregnant that I did the first time. I had all the same symptoms, in fact, it was pretty much a carbon copy of how things went the first time. I did all the same research that I'd done before, and I found an online community that I eagerly became a part of, and I've truly learned to love it. It is a community of women in pretty much every stage of life, and they have some great advice and support there. Anyway, it was a huge blessing for me to have this community to reach out to as I was waiting to know for sure I was pregnant. It was a really hard time though, because MMM was off on a work trip for over two weeks!

So it happened that I knew I was pregnant, and I lost it all while he was gone. It was so difficult dealing with it without him near by, but I was able to talk with him online often. Right away, I began to think 'am I going to ask God for another name', and before I could actually ask, the name "Michael" starting pounding into my head. Seriously, it was like the name was written on a nail and someone was hammering it into my forehead. It only stopped when I said "Ok, ok I get it! His name is Michael!" I can laugh at it a little now, because even in the midst of the darkness of loss, God still managed to get me out of my stupor and respond to Him.

I looked up what Michael means right then and it means "Who is like God?" I love that..I really do. It has been very special to me that my baby boy's name is Michael. It was like God was telling me "you don't need to understand why, just trust that I have everything under control". That was amazing to me. The truth is, I don't understand why I've lost two little ones already, but I do know that God is using my story and my experiences to be a blessing to others. I can praise Him for that!

Immediately after I lost him, I felt pretty numb. I almost didn't believe it was happening. It is amazing the amount of guilt one can feel for not mourning 'enough'. I felt horrible that I wasn't as sad about losing Michael as I'd been about losing Rachel. But I just hadn't allowed myself to let the mourning start. It was about a month  later that I actually started to cry and feel sad and deal with losing him. It was very difficult, and I really wish I would have let it happen right away instead of letting it build up inside of me.

Mother's Day came this year, and I could only be sad. I struggled (and failed often) throughout the day to keep my crying to a minimum, but it wasn't really working. I'm grateful for the wonderful family I have at church who helped me get through the day with patience and great understanding. One of the hardest thing I've dealt with (and still do at times) is just the worry that my babies will be forgotten by those around me. That their short existence didn't count for much. But I know now that won't happen. And even if those around me forget, I won't, and MMM won't, and most importantly God won't forget our loss and pain.

MMM was very sweet on Mother's Day and dealt with a weepy wife all day. But the best thing he did was go buy this beautiful plant for me.

My favorite part is that while it's blooming, it's blooming in two colors. The white changes to purple, but for a while you see both white and purple. So when we have a house, we're going to plant that, and every year when it blooms I'll see the purple and white and will remember my Rachel and Michael.