The Emotional Aspects of being an Empath

It has only been the last few years that I’ve known the word “empath”, but it is something that I’ve always known was a part of me.

As a young child I would leave the room when a scene on tv would include embarrassment for one of the stars. It would make me feel sick to my stomach. If I was forced to stay in the room and watch (like at a movie theater) the sick feeling would linger for a significant portion of the movie.  

I was extremely sensitive to any sort of scary event/movie. I’ve always hated Halloween. I would only need a slight provocation to have incredibly disturbing nightmares. And they were so detailed and extreme that I still remember them clearly. In fact the first nightmare I remember specifically was probably from 6 years old. 

I’ve always unknowingly mimicked body language and immediately will tear up when someone shares a difficult experience with me. 

Any discussion involving cruelty to animals, children, the vulnerable, has filled me with such horror that it is hard to move past it. 

Almost all of these examples create physical symptoms that can last a very long time. And most of them are exclusively events happening to those outside of myself. And all of these examples are true to this day! (I like to fast forward embarrassing moments during movies, or leave the room even still!)

I feel extremely deeply about the concerns of others, but more often than not am considerably apathetic about things pertaining to my concerns. It feels strange for me to say that because I obviously (if you’ve read my blog at all) feel very deeply about my losses, but beyond that, I’m struggling to think of something that would also qualify as caring deeply about my own concerns. 

In fact, I’m not feeling well today, but I’m exceedingly more upset by the whimpers coming from my pup who had shots today. It kills me to know he’s in pain and I can’t fix it. 

I have often wondered why I am an empath, and truly where the line is between controlling the tendency and the tendency controlling me. Am I doing myself a disservice by allowing myself ways out of this discomfort? Examples being skipping movie scenes, or making MMM take Thor to the vet. Would I become stronger personally if I forced myself to work through those emotions? Or would the effort be too much and lead me to becoming more cold and apathetic to others in order to protect myself? I honestly don’t know. 

I do think there’s great advantages to being an empath though! I believe that being an empath allows me to see the needs of others in ways others struggle to do. This is truly an honor! Nothing is more satisfying to me than to know that I lightened someone else’s burden by taking some of it on myself. 

I believe that being an empath has played a huge role in my heart for adoption! What an amazing privilege to give children a home where they are loved no matter what.  I believe it has influenced my great desire to adopt a sibling group! Fewer families are open to adopting siblings, and I can think of few greater horrors than being separated from the only family you have left. I am so blessed to have a husband who has an open heart for these little ones too! 

Over all, I think becoming more aware of my limitations as an empath will help me be the best empath I can be. 

Coming next: the Spiritual aspects of being an Empath

Adoption

“People say it will be hard...and I know it will be..but it will be worth it.”

He reached over and asked to hold my hand. “Would you be my girlfriend?”

Almost exactly seven years ago, a conversation about adoption proceeded the question I’d been dying to hear. I still remember the tingling butterfly sensation as I told him yes,(but would he ask my dad? =P). Such an amazing moment. 

As we dated I remember having conversations about how my entire life I felt that I wouldn’t have biological children. I didn’t know any reason why I couldn’t, but still felt impressed with the feeling that it wasn’t in my future. 

It was a scary thing to talk about. MMM immediately agreed that he was okay with adopting, but wondered if we could try for biological first. I had no problem agreeing to that. 

We got married and got pregnant shortly after. I figured my gut feeling was just coincidence and celebrated what was happening. I read the stats on miscarriage but felt confident that they wouldn’t apply to me.

How naive. We never had the chance to tell loved ones that we were expecting before I miscarried. It was devastating. It was very similar circumstances with our second loss. We were no longer on the same page on when to try to have children. We would even flop sides on occasion. The waiting began.

Fast forward 4.5 years and we’ve gone through 2 more miscarriages and gotten a medical diagnosis that could be part of the cause. A diagnosis was enough for me to concede my dream of biological children. 

I know the adoption process can be an emotional roller coaster and I needed to make sure I was ready. We decided to wait a year from our last miscarriage. Then we decided to wait til I finished school and got a job. 

It has been nearly two years since my last loss and I needed every day of it. But, now it is time to start the process. 

Adoption is kind of terrifying in its unpredictability. Being a planner and having 100% no clue when we might be picked? Awful. It could take months, or it could take years. I have to be ready for both. 

Seven years of discussion has brought us to this point. I pictured my life very different at five years of marriage. We would already have a couple of kids, or at least be in the middle of the adoption process, not the pre-beginning. It is a hard adjustment to know that we could actually be married 7-9 years or longer before we can enjoy having children. It was always my hope to be done having kids by the time I was 30. Now I’ll be fortunate to even have one child by that time. 

MMM and I actually had a discussion yesterday of how, if we could have known how long it would take, we wouldn’t have waited. I’ve even expressed that thought to friends. If having kids is a big dream for you both, don’t wait. You never know how long it will take. 

While in hindsight we may have done some things differently, I’m still incredibly grateful for our story. And I am excited to see how this next chapter unfolds. There is so much left to do before we are fully in the adoption process, we would definitely appreciate prayers as we jump on the roller coaster! Let’s see what 2018 brings!