A Daughter Named Hope

I’m so excited to share this experience with you all! Are you ready?

On March 28th of this year, I had a dream. In the dream, I had a daughter! She was so perfect! She was about 18 months old. The dream was completely joyful! 

I woke up from this amazing dream feeling so sad. I long for a daughter. Everything within me longs for a daughter. It was a hard reminder of what I didn’t have. I did share the dream with a friend and ask her to be praying specifically for me and this dream. 

Fast forward to September. I saw a Facebook post from Waiting for Baby Bird, an infertility support group I love! The post was asking what is one word that I would use to describe August, and what is one word I felt God was giving me for September. Immediately, the word “Hope” came to mind! 

How exciting to feel like God told me specifically to Hope! So I hoped and hoped for something amazing to happen. I assumed that the word “Hope” meant we could be hopeful in our efforts to build our family. Each day of September slipped by and with each day my frustration grew!

Why would You give me the word “Hope” if You weren’t going to move? You know how hard it is for me to hope! Why would You tell me to hope only to crush me?

I spoke with a few friends about my near hatred of the word “Hope” after this crushing month. I knew that God is still good, but I was bitterly disappointed.

About a week later, a new friend messaged me that she had written a letter for me. She commented that she was nervous to give it to me, but felt strongly that God wanted me to hear the words.

Several days later I finally saw her and received the letter. As I read it I burst into tears. You see, she is truly a new friend. She doesn’t know much of my story. She doesn’t know how deeply I long for a daughter. She didn’t know that I had a dream about a daughter. She didn’t know any of these things! And that is how I feel so confident that she was truly hearing from God!

Her letter started off with general encouragement, including the push to hold on to the God-given word “Hope”. But then this is what came next, and it completely broke me.

“In the stillness of the day I felt Him say that you will have a daughter, and you are to give her the name Hope. I know not how or when she will come into your life, but I believe she will.”

Amazing! Absolutely amazing! Immediately, I remembered the dream I’d had in March and had to share this with the same friend! I’m so glad I still have our messages from back then! 

It was such a fun thing to share this God story with both sides of our family and close friends. They all felt very similarly, that this was a legit word from God for us. How very exciting! 

It was a week later at church when God moved again! I wasn’t feeling well, so I went to stand in the back by a close friend. She instinctively held my hand as they closed the sermon with prayer. She looked at me and just said confidently, “never ending Hope!” I just smiled and started sharing my story with her and another friend! 

When God moves, I can’t stop talking about it! So as I excitedly told them about my letter and the culmination of having a daughter named Hope my friend started to freak out! I wasn’t sure what was going on, but she was beyond words from my story. And then she told me that moments ago when she was holding my hand during prayer, she had one thing running through her mind: 

“A daughter named Hope! A daughter named Hope!”

She couldn’t believe it! I was jumping with joy and excitement! Our God is SO good! He has confirmed His word over and over again. I’m over the moon with His goodness. 

While I was sitting there, completely angry with Him, He was working to speak to me

through His own daughters. It takes a lot of courage to speak out something like that. I’m so glad that they did share with me. 

Just like the letter, I also don’t know how or when I will hold my Hope in my arms, but I have so much confidence that someday, I will have my sweet Hope.

10/17/13

As tends to be my normal, I’m lacking a desire to go to sleep tonight. You see, tomorrow is my due date with Michael. It seems crazy to say I miss someone I never met, but I do miss him. 

It’s interesting to imagine what he’d be like if he were alive today. In my head, he would have been a caretaker, a protector of his sisters and brother. Even at six years of age, I see him as the serious, loyal type. We would be working on learning to read, and maybe playing piano. He’d probably be the rule follower and let me know when his siblings weren’t obeying. 

He feels so tangible to me. It almost feels like I could touch and hug him. But I can’t. At least, I can’t yet. While the idea of heaven used to fill me with fear, now I’m anxious to get there and meet my beautiful, amazing son, Michael. He is so precious to me! 

Approaching an EDD generally starts affecting me. Thankfully, I was able to recognize it sooner this time. At the beginning of this week I woke up and had no desire to get out of bed. I’d had an amazingly encouraging experience the day before, and yet here I was, just down. 

I had even more encouragement come that morning once I got up, but I still felt completely drained. I had zero motivation to do anything, was moving slowly, and felt extremely tired. I wondered at it but had no answer.  I knew I was experiencing the symptoms of depression but didn’t feel overtly sad! It was truly bewildering. As an interesting side note, it was that night that I realized my ear piercings with struggling, but specifically the hole that I use for Michael was infected. I haven’t had issues with them in years, and now suddenly that piercing is infected? Interesting. 

Tuesday came around and I struggled to leave my room again. I knew that deep within me, depression was acting up, but I didn’t understand why. This past week has included some of the best encouragement that I’ve ever had! And yet my body was in a depressive state. Tuesday was also the National day for pregnancy and infant loss awareness! The wave of light was on my mind when suddenly I knew what was happening. Michaels EDD was just two days away. 

And now it is tomorrow. It’s hard to believe that he would be 6 now. My sweet baby boy. I know your life is better in heaven, but I so wish I’d been able to keep you with me. Longing for the day I get to finally hold you in my arms, my love. 

Beauty from Ashes

It is such a pleasure for me to share another amazing testimony of God's goodness in the lives of women. I pray it is a blessing to you as you read it!

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I was raised in a Christian household surrounded by very strong Godly role models. My biggest role model was my grandfather. He loved the Lord and strived to show it every day. When all the grandkids were born, he gave us what he called “birthday verses.” Mine is James 1:23 “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, it is like a man looking in the mirror and then forgetting what he looks like when he walks away.”

That verse was ingrained into my mind and every year on my birthday, my grandfather wouldn’t say happy birthday until we told him our birthday verse. My childhood was filled with AWANA, VBS, and Sunday school. One of my favorite quotes I said when I was little, was “Mommy, if Jesus lives in your heart, doesn’t he get food on his head?” Childhood was very normal for me except for our move from Southern California to Colorado Springs.

When I was 4, I was in the car with my dad and I told him I wanted to accept Christ. We were driving on the freeway and he said, “Ok, let’s pray!” and he jokingly closed his eyes! I remember being so scared, but then he opened his eyes and we prayed. It’s a special memory that my dad was the one to pray with me.

When I was 11, my family tried out a new church. I had no idea the role that that church would play in my life. I met my future husband at that church, I made some lasting friendships, and I experienced some extreme deep struggles. At 15, I asked my future husband to go to homecoming with me.  After 4 years of friendship, we began our long journey of the ups and downs of a high school relationship. During that time, we were the “ideal relationship role models” for our youth group. We tried very hard to be pure, that is, until we broke up. We were no longer in the spotlight, so we threw our boundaries to the wind. We were still very involved with youth group and church, but it was all honestly fake. We would meet up and fool around all the time. There was a lot of lying and impurities that happened. We also had some serious fights and I truly thought that when he went to college, I would never see or speak to him again.

In the midst of that, I struggled really badly with anorexia and had some true suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know where God was. All of my friends from youth group had left for college (they were all the class ahead of me), high school drama was at an all-time high, and I had lost the love of my life. I really struggled with self-image. I hated myself, I hated how I looked, I just hated it all. That followed me for a long time.

In March 2011, at the age of 19, I met the jerk. He was a waiter at Cracker Barrel where I was working. He was the first guy to show interest in me since my high school boyfriend and he was a smooth talker. I had SO MANY signs from God and family that I needed to STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM HIM! Did I listen?? Nope! He came to pick me up for our first date and my dad grabbed my arm and said, “ I don’t like him, please don’t go on this date.” Guess what, I went anyways.

 When I met the jerk, he told me he was an atheist and could argue every point that showed an existence of God. He knew I was a Christian and would eventually use that to manipulate me.

Right away, he began to manipulate and trick me.  I was too fat, I was not beautiful, everything was my fault, I was the stupidest person he had ever met, my family was out to get me, they wanted nothing to do with me, I was an idiot for not sleeping with him. Lie after lie came in and I believed EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! I was stuck in a whirlwind of lies that I didn’t know how to get out of. I honestly don’t remember praying for several months because of this. Slowly, the physical abuse started on top of the mental/emotional abuse. I was grabbed, pushed, shoved, bruised, forced to do things that I NEVER wanted to do, and was restrained by my hair. It took a month of me battling with myself before I eventually slept with him. After he knew I would do it, he forced me to do horrific things in the bedroom, none of which were intimate or the way God intended. Most of those times ended in tears and being thrown on the ground being told how bad and unattractive I was.

There is a church here called New Life and every year they put on an amazing show each Easter called The Thorn. I took the jerk and at the show, he “accepted Christ.” I was so excited because I thought that God put me in his life to show Christ to him! That whole, “I can fix him and he can change thing?” ya, those are lies as well. Right away, I started bringing him to church and trying everything in my power to help him. My parents gave him a Bible and the book Wild at Heart and all sorts of resources for him. I thought things were going to change. NOPE! He started using God against me. “There is no way God loves you, I can’t believe God made you so ugly and stupid, God is so disappointed in you.” But, I still stayed in the relationship, I still thought God would change him. I even helped our pastor baptize him! Such a fake. That summer, he convinced me to buy myself an engagement ring. He even met with my dad to ask him if he could marry me and that outing ended in a yelling match and my father saying no. During that conversation, my dad also found out that we had slept together and I had never seen such disappointment in my parents. He proposed to me on a boulder on the side of Pikes Peak. I was so manipulated and convinced that this was God’s plan for me, that I said yes. My whole family cried big, terrified tears when I told them. From then on, it was almost daily that he wanted to go to the courthouse and get it over with. I had started making plans and planning a wedding, but nothing ever worked out. And every time he mentioned the courthouse, I had this little nudge that said, “Don’t do it.” That was the only time I listened to God during that relationship.

After almost 2 years, he moved to Anchorage to go live with his brother because he couldn’t hold a job here and his step dad said he couldn’t live with them anymore. One month after he moved up there, he broke up with me over the phone and told me that I was holding him back and he had met someone else. Come to find out, he had been cheating on me the entire time we dated. I truly thought my life was over and all the suicidal thoughts came back. I thought I had no reason to live and thought God wanted nothing to do with me.

About a month later, I texted my high school boyfriend and told him I was single. We started texting again and it was so nice. However, as soon as the jerk found out I was talking to him again, the jerk wanted me back and I went running back to him. Stupid me. He re-dumped me a few months later and started dating another woman. I was absolutely devastated. Here is where I completely turned my back on God and my family. Two of my friends told me to go to Alaska and find out what went wrong. I thought I needed him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he didn’t love me. My friends helped me get a plane ticket and I lied to every person in my life.

God gave me EVERY sign to not go to Alaska. Leading up to the trip, there was a huge blizzard and I didn’t even know if our flight would make it. The morning of my flight, my friend who was supposed to drive me, totaled her car. I convinced my high school boyfriend to drive me. When he dropped me off, he said, “I don’t want you to go, but I know you need to do this for yourself.” I get to my gate and I lost my boarding pass. If that’s not God telling me in a huge, flashing, fluorescent way to not go, then I don’t know what is! I got on that flight anyways! I landed in Anchorage and had the biggest anxiety attack of my life. I was 3600 miles from home! There was an entire freaking country between me and my family. I was farther from home than the length of America. What on earth had I done?! I thought about getting back on another flight and going straight back home, but I did not. Luckily I had a friend who lived up there who used to work with me and the jerk. She was the only positive on that long 52 hour trip. During that trip, he manipulated me into sleeping with him because he and his girlfriend had “broken up.” Ironically, not even 2 hours later, they were magically back together. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about how I slept with him. That night, my friend and I went and hung out with him and his girlfriend. WHY?! That was one of the worst nights of my life. The next day, he and I hung out for a while. He chose then to tell me that he no longer believed in God and that he was an atheist again. Instead of being calm and handling it well, I threw a Bible at him and told him he was an idiot. I was then forced into his car and he drove me to the airport. Once there, we got into the worst fight we had ever had. He dragged me out of the car in a chokehold and threw me in front of a moving car. The driver was not even phased. After that, I smacked him in the face and finally stood up for myself. He threw me into the side of his car and then drove away. Leaving me bruised, cut up, and crying at the airport 4 hours before my flight was to take off. Luckily, my friend was able to come pick me up for a little bit.

When I got back home, the jerk thought it would be a good idea to tell my family where I had been. In that moment, everyone lost trust in me. I had no one. That is when I FINALLY understood that no matter what, God would always be with me! I ignored him and turned my back on him completely, but during that season, He was all I had. Even though Alaska sucked, I don’t think I would understand God’s love and faithfulness if I hadn’t experienced that.

After that, every few months, if the jerk wanted to talk to me, he would text me and say, “Hey, I really want to get my relationship with God back, can you help me?” or “I realize that a lot of my problems were because of my drinking, so I am going to start going to AA and I want to find God again.” He knew that I would help him with his walk with God, so I always got sucked back in. This whole time, he was dating his girlfriend and never wanted me back. Also during this time, my old high school boyfriend and I had started hanging out again. He had graduated college and we wanted our friendship back. In May of 2015, we “officially” started dating again and it was the best!

The last time I heard from the jerk was April of 2016, I was about to graduate college and unbeknownst to me, my life was about to change drastically. He texted me and said, “I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I wanted to tell you that my twin died and I am really struggling. I need God and I need you.” I responded and said, “I am very sorry to hear that, but I am engaged (I was not), and I need you to never contact me again. I hope you find God and find what you’re looking for, but I’m done and I don’t care anymore.” He responded by calling me every horrid name in the book. I have not heard from him since. Praise be to God! And come to find out, his twin NEVER died, he is still very much alive! Ugh, makes my heart sick!

May of 2016 arrived, I finally graduated college with my 3rd degree, got a job, and became engaged! Life was looking up! 3 weeks after getting engaged, I was put in the hospital with a life threatening liver disease diagnosis. Even though that was insanely scary, I had my fiancé by my side and I had my family by my side. God had a plan and I needed to trust it.

Fast forward to 2019. I have been hospitalized twice because of my liver, but besides that, God has been so faithful and amazing! I have an amazing husband whom I have known for 16 years, I own a house, and have a wonderful career. I also have endometriosis and had always been told that I could never have kids or it would be hard. But guess what, I am 8 days away from bringing my son into the world! God showed up in miraculous ways and proved just how powerful He is! Yes, I have made mistakes and turned my back on God. Yes, I still struggle with image and confidence and I still hear those little lies sometimes, but my husband is so good at hushing those and reminding me that they are not true. God loves me and God created me for big things! I can’t wait to tell my son just how big and awesome God is and how God used such horrible experiences to grow my faith and trust! Everyone has a story, but I truly think mine shows true beauty from ashes!

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If you have a testimony of God's goodness that you would like to share, please contact me! I'd love to share stories from all walks of life so we can encourage one another.

My thoughts on Modesty

I recently had a conversation about modesty, and it’s been on my mind ever since, so I thought I’d share a few of my beliefs.

If I had to state it in one sentence, this is what I’d say:

It is not my responsibility to keep the minds of men away from temptation, but it is my pleasure, privilege, and honor to help them in that fight to the best of my ability. 

For me, dressing modestly is not for my husband, it’s actually for yours. My husband has seen it all already, and there have even been times when he’s wanted to show me off more. 

My husband, just like every man, is a visual person. He fights (and wins) temptation on a daily basis because our society surrounds us with images unnecessarily. And while yes, I do get frustrated with our society, I know there is only so much I can do. So I dress modestly. I try to be mindful of other women and wives who are praying for strength for their husband. 

I don’t want to look back on a fun evening with my husband and know that I may have been the stumbling block for the husband sitting two tables away. It isn’t necessary. I know that I have made poor decisions with my clothing as well, but I’m still working on it.

Again, I know and will continue proclaiming that it is not my job to keep minds pure. It’s not my responsibility, and it isn’t something I can even control. But, as a believer, I look at these men as my brothers. And if by presenting them with less temptation helps them at all, it is my absolute pleasure to do such.

I don’t expect people who do not follow Christ to follow the standards I hold for myself. We are supposed to look different than the world! I try not to judge others by what they wear, but honestly I do struggle more when I see women who profess to be believers who dress to the standards of society.  

I also really want to bring up this truth..my sexual orientation, my personal anatomy, and what I choose to cover it.. none of those things define me. I am so much more than my sex drive. I’m a child of the King who loves reading, singing, my dogs, being outside, working in the OR, who just happens to love and be loved by a man. Our culture is so stuck on defining one another by their sexual labels, please don’t forget how much more there is to each of us. 

My goal is definitely not to sound “holier than thou” at all. I have major issues that I need God’s help in too, but maybe God has been giving you a nudge when it comes to what you wear. Would you want some other girl wearing that in front of your husband? No matter what, I’m going keep trying my best to help and not hinder my brothers fight for purity, will you consider doing the same?

Her Tree of Life (3/3)

You can check out part one - here!

Check out part two - here!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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Names have had a large role in my story, and it just continues with this little boy that we were able to adopt. He came to us with a name (we'll call him JC) that means 'fair or righteous', but God had given us a different name years ago. JC was 4 years old when he actually wanted us to call him by a new name! The name he wanted us to call him was only 1 letter off from the name God had shown us long before! After much discussion and prayer, we did legally change his name from JC to JM. His new name means "Yahweh is God" and "Who is like God?" 

We ended up doing foster care for 16 years, and had around 25 kids in and out of our home. During that time, we had two young ladies ask us to adopt their baby. The first was another little boy who we had in our home before he eventually went back to his mother, and the second was a little girl that we were able to see at the hospital. Her mother also decided that she wanted to mother her little girl. We were fortunate to have so many things ready for these two little ones that we were able to bless their moms and help them get started. It hurts. You know we longed for, and prayed for these children. But thank You for letting us bless them.

I was 40 years old, and C had really great health insurance, so we decided to try for another pregnancy. Because of our infertility journey, we decided to do in-vitro fertilization (IVF) one time. We were adamant that any and all fertilized eggs would be implanted and given a chance to grow. Our doctors were shocked when we had 5 fertilized eggs to use. So we had all 5 eggs placed inside me, and as I lay there waiting for this procedure, I started naming our little ones. Sadly our attempt for IVF did not take, and we added to our numbers of lost children:

N-- (my aborted son)

Noah (our ectopic loss)

Oliver (IVF)

Olivia (IVF)

Chad (IVF)

Lucy (IVF)

Luke (IVF) 

Plus our multiple potential adoptions that fell through. 

At the age of 37, we were chosen to parent our son, JM, but the desire of motherhood just wouldn't leave. The desire wasn't satisfied. I cried out to God and asked Him to take away this desire to be a mother. I wouldn't have given you this desire if I wasn't going to fulfill it. Doing foster care was something I was passionate about, and I really feel like God gave me such a desire for motherhood to give me the ability to love on other people's children. I loved being there to support these little kids and their families, and show them what being in a family is really like. You see these moments? These precious exchanges with My children? This is what you were made to do.

Years later, we had a little one staying with us through foster care who we were on track to adopt, but despite every circumstance being against the decision, the judge decided to send that little boy back to his biological family. It was our third adoption that fell through. I'm 45...I'm tired. Going back and forth with hope and loss is too hard. Let's just be grateful for our one son and be done!  

Then we got this call asking if we would be open to taking another baby in foster care. His situation was more precarious and they needed to find a foster home for him that day. I called C at work and he just asked me if I wanted another baby. I'm tired, and this is so hard, but yes! I still want a baby! We decided to say yes! I was able to bring this little baby with me to my job as a coordinator at Hope Pregnancy Center. There was a girl at the Center who enjoyed taking pictures, and she just happened to get a picture of the first time I kissed this little boy who was just two days old. He went from having this scrunched up face to completely relaxing in my arms. Have you been waiting for me, little one?

It turned out that this little guy would have special needs. We definitely didn't want him to go through foster care to struggle more than he already was. Our family of three prayed together and agreed that this baby was supposed to be in our family. We ended up adopting him at 1.5 years old. He came to us with no name, and so I asked C about naming our new son N-- that means "Gift of God" just like my N- that I aborted. They had told me that my baby would have had special needs because of all the drugs I'd been taking. You've given me a second chance. I know that You have my N-- with You, and he would have had special needs. Thank you for giving me another son like him.

When you walk the road with a special needs kid, it is a totally different journey. You see things so differently. It's been a beautiful life with him, but hard… very hard. I believe God took all that time to get me ready to have our two sons. God has given abundant grace to our family. JM is a successful adult who is soon to be married. And N-- is now 20 years old and doing so well! He still struggles, but lives in a wonderful group home and has a job. We are so proud of them both!

I went through many dark times, after my abortion and motorcycle accident. I didn't want to look back on those experiences. I wanted to stay numb. It all just hurt too badly. When God got a hold of me, He showed me that I needed to give up all of those painful things. As each memory popped up, I needed to give that over to God. He walked me through each of those hard memories to bring me healing. 

Do you have a desire that you feel is a gift from God, but there's no sign of that desire being fulfilled? Are you struggling to hold onto hope? If God put that desire in your heart, He put it there to fulfill it. It might not look like what you are expecting. It might not be the plan you have. It could be mothering foster children, or other women going through trials. If He has given you a desire, He put it there to fulfill it. He just asks us to be open to how He would fulfill it. It isn't always "happily married, now we have a baby… everything is going as planned." It isn't always like that. You need to be open to His plan for you! His plan is uniquely perfect for YOU. Each and every plan is individual for each and every one of us. 

A man’s heart plans his way,

But the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Just remember that you don’t want anything unless God also wants that for you. It won’t be worth it if God isn’t in it. Pray for His will in this journey that you are on. I prayed for God to take my desire away and He actually increased it. I truly believe that it was to get one son at 37, another son with special needs at the age of 45, and to mother many foster children. There is nothing that compares to the joy I’ve experienced knowing that God has got this, and that I am following His plan for my life. You aren’t alone here. You don’t need to make things happen. God has got this! He is walking beside you just waiting to show you what is in store. Will you walk with Him no matter how long it takes? I can’t wait to see how God shows you His glorious plan for your life!

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If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

Her Tree of Life (2/3)

If you missed the first part of her story, you can read it here!!

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I felt like I was going to vomit. Every fiber of me was struggling. If I get up, everyone will know what I've done. If I start crying, they'll know...I don't want anyone to know. So I sat there panicked, feeling like I was going to explode with all of the emotions.

Having the kind of God we have… He thought of every little detail to bring healing. The event seemed to last forever but it was finally over and I was anxious to leave, but a different little old lady came over to me and hugged me. I never had anyone who truly comforted me like that, and I bawled like a baby. She told me that God had moved her to come over and pray with me about my aborted baby. I continued to cry. Right then and there, the emotions I'd been stuffing started coming out. I asked for forgiveness, and she forgave me for the body of Christ. And she said that God wanted me to ask Him about my baby: whether it was a boy or girl, and what their name was! I was scared to ask, but God answered me. N--... a son. I have a son. I went home and immediately looked up the name N--, and it meant "Gift of God". God orchestrated each moment to bring me to a place where I could truly start to grieve, heal, and accept His forgiveness for the shame and regret I felt.

The same year, I was cooking when I suddenly had extreme pain in my side. I sat in the bathroom unable to move. Please God, send him home soon to help me! My husband did arrive home early, prayed over me, and after some discussion he said he thought I was pregnant but was very concerned that something was wrong! We went into the hospital, and sure enough, my test was positive. I was pregnant again, but this time something was wrong. I ended up in surgery where they discovered that my baby had implanted onto my ovary. The baby did not survive the procedure.  

We went to a doctor to find a solution to our infertility. He was adamant that he perform a major surgery in order to give us a 10% chance. God gave us both a lack of peace. We had the surgery scheduled, but C and I both knew at the last minute that it wasn't the right choice. We chose not to proceed, despite the wishes of the doctor and our family. We later learned that the doctor we were going to work with had ended up facing many lawsuits for malpractice. God spared us from that. 

Underneath all of this was an undying yearning to be a mother. C and I were not in agreement on pursuing adoption, so we continued to wait. I had a dear friend who was also struggling with infertility. One day she visited me in tears, not sure how to tell me that she was finally pregnant, knowing that I wasn't pregnant. She sought the Lord on my behalf and she felt like God had just given her a picture of a big baby boy with dark hair that would one day be our son. Right then and there, I knew I didn't want anyone else to feel horrible around me because they had a child when I had none.

We'd lived in Seattle for about 5 years, and I knew I didn't want to live there long term. God, You know my desire to live closer to family. Please show him Your will and I will follow. C came home and he told me that he just felt like we were supposed to move back to Minnesota.

Shortly before we made the decision to move, I'd had my first good dream after years of nightmares. In the dream I saw this large fireplace with granite all around it. There were a bunch of weeds that I had to lift away, and as I lifted the weeds, a black dog ran out with and joined our other black dog, and then a little boy came out. He had very dark hair, and he was crying. In the dream I held him and started crying. Why are you crying?  He told me that he was waiting. I held him tight and felt this unbelievable love for him. He's waiting for me! I was so excited to share this dream with C, and we both just knew that one day we would have a son.

We had a pastor who encouraged us to really seek the Holy Spirit, so I prayed for God to show me where we were supposed to live. As I was praying, I felt that God was putting the words "white" and "Indian reservation" on my mind. Are You calling us to be missionaries at an Indian reservation? I was looking at a map, and God just showed me this rectangular area on it and there was an Indian reservation within the rectangle call White Earth. We agreed to look in this area for our home. We went to Minnesota and starting looking at homes within this rectangle that I had seen. It had been days, but we weren't finding anything. Am I just going nuts? Did I really see God show me this area, or was it just my imagination? On our last day of vacation, we saw a sign in front of a realtor office, and it said "log cabin on 90 acres". We decided to check it out, just in case. The realtor just happened to be there and brought us right out to the cabin. As we opened the door, I saw it. It was the fireplace from my dream. I had goosebumps! I whispered in my husband’s ear that this was my dream fireplace, and we both knew this is where we were supposed to be. God! You did it! You brought us exactly to the place You wanted. 

We went back to Seattle and prayed about how much to offer for the cabin in the woods. Gratefully, they accepted our offer, so we now owned this place that was the fulfillment of my dream. I later realized that the location of our cabin was exactly in the middle of the rectangle I'd seen on the map. God, You are too good!

As we drove the moving van and our vehicle from Seattle to Minnesota, I was praying and God just gave me a song. For He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. So I will delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. For He is the one that has put them there, only to fulfill them.(Psalms 113:9,37:4) I sang the rest of the way.  

As we got settled in our new home, we found a church to attend and started getting involved. One of the things I did was lead the teen girls Sunday school class. Once a month, I'd have someone from the church come speak to the girls and share their testimony. One Sunday, the person I'd arranged for, couldn't make it to church, so the girls asked me to share my testimony. I shared about how God had brought us to this place. There was a girl in my class at the time. She was 16 and living in a foster home and she was pregnant. She and I connected before and after her baby was born. She would tell me how much the baby missed me, and whenever I would hold her baby, he would just snuggle into me. God, help me! I've never felt this desire before. I've never wanted someone else's child. 

For seven months, his precious mom struggled with not really knowing how, or if she wanted to parent. She ended up speaking with our pastor and asked him to include us in the situation. She wanted us to parent her little one. Thank you, God! You worked every piece into place for this moment. This little boy just happened to have really dark hair. It was a long journey, but at the age of 18 months, he was officially ours and we were beyond thrilled. We now had a big baby boy with dark hair. Thank you, Lord! We were completely bonded and in love with each other. We had been married for ten years, and to have this fulfilment of all the words and the dream God had given us about this son... it was just like the heavens had opened up above us to give us this precious gift. Is there anything sweeter than receiving a promise from God and seeing it come to pass. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

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Check out the last segment of her story -- Here!

If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

Her Tree of Life (1/3)

It has been my great pleasure to work together with a dear friend to write down her incredible testimony of God's goodness in her life. It is our deepest wish that reading this story will be an encouragement to you, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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The year was 1973, and Roe v Wade had legalized abortion nationwide. Drugs became my escape from the world which seemed pretty dark. At 19, while doing heavy drugs, I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. I made an appointment with my local planned parenthood (PP) to figure out what my options were, struggling with the idea of bringing a child into the darkness of this world I was in. After learning of my drug use, the workers at PP declared that my baby would certainly have special needs. Abortion was the only option given to me. I thought that I was actually doing my little one a favor by aborting him/her instead of making them live a life with special needs. It was a very hard thing. I still remember going in for the procedure, laying on the table. I've changed my mind. I don't want to do this to my little one! I tried to get up, but they held me down and it was too late. February 15, 1973, was the day I had an abortion. My child would have been 46 now.

Afterwards, I walked out and just happened to be interviewed by a woman with the local newspaper. She asked me if I would ever have an abortion again. I definitely would not ever have another abortion. There is not a time that I hear the word abortion that I don't feel it greatly. I know I am forgiven, but it's still very hard. You walk out and you're never the same. I've been told it usually takes about 10 years after an abortion for women to truly start healing. The immediate aftermath was an increased darkness in my already dark life.

Drugs continued to play a large role in my life after the abortion. I used them to numb the pain...the pain of all my past trauma, and on top of all of that, the pain of the abortion. It was during this season that I didn't really care if I lived or not. Five years after the abortion, I was involved with a guy who was also into drugs and alcohol. One day we got on his motorcycle while he was drunk. I didn't really care. I even gave my purse to another friend to give to my family if something went wrong. I knew, I just knew, but I didn't care.

We were hit by a wild drunk who stole his stepfather's car. My boyfriend ended up in the ditch with the motorcycle, while I was thrown into the air, bounced off a taxi and slammed against a brick building 150 feet away.

I was in intensive care for quite a while. It looked like I might not make it. And if I did, it was almost certain I would lose my leg. I can't lose my leg! I want to dance! Bike! Move! To this day, I've have 14 surgeries to keep my leg. I was laying in that hospital in traction for four months. And while I was there, I had so many people from all walks of life come visit me. Many of them had the love of Christ in common. Each visit was like a spark of light in my darkness. I started having hospital employees asking me to share a room with someone else in order to cheer them up! God was moving in my life more than ever. I noticed quickly that out of my hospital room window was a big brick church with a cross, lit up like a beacon on top, banishing the darkness around it. It touched me greatly. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a second chance. At that moment, I rededicated my life to the Lord. I wanted Him to show me what He'd have me do with the rest of my life. Years later, I heard that shepherds would break the leg of the lamb that was wayward. They'd carry the lamb on their shoulder so it could learn their voice. I truly think that is what God did for me. I needed to be broken in order to let Him carry me. The consequences of that accident have been many, but God has been bigger.

God orchestrated so many things for me to meet my husband (we'll call him "C") at a Bible study. We got married 2.5 months after we met. When he asked me to marry him, I told him my story. By God's grace, he still wanted to marry me. After the wedding, we moved to Seattle, Washington. It had been ten years since my abortion, and I still felt completely numb. I wouldn't let myself cry or feel emotion. I completely shut down because I couldn't handle the shame and guilt inside of me.

I was in the store one day and this little old lady came walking up to me. She told me, "God sent me over to give you this invitation to women’s aglow meeting." God sent a little old lady over here for me?!  I felt so special! I decided to go to the meeting without knowing anyone there. I sat at this big table next to these beautiful Christian ladies that I just felt like a dirtball next to. One of the biggest struggles I had during this time was feeling like I didn't deserved any good thing after what I had done. But I sat there, and this lady got up on stage and spoke on how she had discovered a gift for painting. She undraped this picture of Jesus holding the aborted baby with blood dripping on a newspaper with a headline stating the number of babies lost to abortion in the last ten years.

I felt like I was going to vomit. Every fiber of me was struggling. If I get up, everyone will know what I've done. If I start crying, they'll know...I don't want anyone to know. So I sat there panicked, feeling like I was going to explode with all of the emotions.

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Keep your eye out for the next two segments of her story!
Check out segment 2/3 -- Here!
And segment 3/3 -- Here!

If you have had an abortion or are considering having an abortion, please check out this amazing resource of information. --- Here

-All names are changed to initials to protect the identity of those involved.

1:43am

I woke up with a start

Heart pounding

Mind racing

Struggling to fully wake up

Hoping to escape my dream

—— 

Time and place don’t matter

I was surrounded

Taunts

Jeers

They followed me everywhere

There was one

The ringleader

She glares at me

“How can you really know?”

“Are you sure He’s real??”

Suddenly it hits me

I’m dreaming

I’m stuck in a dream

Satan is trying to get at me

“You need to leave, in Jesus’ Name!”

The taunting continues

“You cannot stay here”

The jeering gets louder

“Jesus is more powerful”

The chaos increases 

They aren’t listening to me

How will I get out of this

“Praise You, Lord that You are bigger”

The thoughts fill my mind

My voice raises over the cacophony 

“Thank you God, that You have given us power”

Their fighting increases, they know they are losing power

A baby cries.. a glance shows a little baby boy crying

“GET OUT!”

The baby stops crying 

He glares at me as his true nature is shown

I sense that I’m waking up 

It’s fading in and out 

I try to wake my husband

“Am I truly awake?”

A gasping breath

Heart pounding 

My eyes fly open

I’m truly awake now

“Honey, wake up!”

“We need to pray!”

He wakes up 

He holds me close

His protective nature slows my breathing 

He prays over me

The fear is still there

God whispers a thought to me

“We must be doing something right.”

“Satan wouldn’t be hitting so hard if we weren’t”

A light flipped on

Worship music turned on

Calm begins to fill the space

Satan won’t win tonight 

Fear won’t win either

For I am a daughter of the King

Decades

I've been going back over the beginning of the Bible again, but this time I'm taking it more slowly so I can take notes. Today I saw a few things that I felt compelled to share.

Looking at Abraham's family, the first three generations are fascinating! Abram was 75 when God called him out from his family with the promise of blessing upon blessing..but the biggest desire and blessing Abram wanted was a son to carry on his line. He was 75..he didn't receive the blessing of his son until he was 100 years old. He waited 25 years. Have you had to wait for 25 years for something like this?

Abraham's son was 40 when he married Rebekah but the Bible says Rebekah was barren. Isaac prayed for God to open her womb...20 years later, Rebekah had Jacob and Esau. They waited 20 long years.

Next it was Jacob and Rachel..Rachel was stuck in a situation that was all up in her face. God saw that Leah was unloved and He blessed her with children, but Rachel who had the love and favor of her husband was barren. That seems a little harsh doesn't it? But it says that after Leah bore 7 children God remember Rachel and gave her a son. Based on what I can read, I'd estimate that Rachel had to wait around 10 years.

They each waited decades. Can you fathom waiting for decades? God was still in them during this wait....during the years upon years of waiting, God was still there. He was still blessing them. He was teaching them, and giving them more experiences.

But there was something else I noticed. As each woman in each generation lost patience, they pressured the men in their life to do something dishonoring to God. Sarah convinced Abram to sleep with her servant to try to make God's promise come true. Rebekah persuaded her son, Jacob, to deceive his father to get the blessing that God promised his mother. And then Rachel followed in Sarah's footsteps and gave Jacob her servant to bare children in her place. Each of these decisions caused chaos within the family. God is not the author of chaos. This is not what He planned.. this is not the order that He intended for our lives.

Have you found yourself in a season of waiting? I am in the hardest waiting season I've ever been in as we are waiting for a baby through adoption. Reading this passage this morning just helped me remember that it is absolutely vital for me to remain focused on God. I do not want to look back on this season and see that I got so impatient that I influenced my husband to make decisions that were not in line with God's plan for us. I want to look back on this time and see how God has helped me grow into the woman He created me to be. 

The Greener Side

My mentoree and I have been slowly doing an in-depth study of the book of Genesis, chapter by chapter. It has been amazing what you can pick out of the text when you are being so mindful about it! Today's chapter was Genesis 13, and as we were reading, it was like God was hitting me over the head (am I the only one who needs that at times??) with His heart for my life. I feel like my thoughts are spilling over, so I will try to make this as coherent as possible.

I highly recommend reading the chapter quickly, but I'll summarize for those who don't. This chapter is all about when Abraham (this is when he was still known as Abram) and his nephew Lot had to separate ways because of the quantity of their possessions (flocks/herds primarily). Abraham gave Lot his choice of land to settle in, and Abraham would take whatever land Lot didn't want.  I want to start off by looking at just one part of verse 10.

10 And Lot lifted his eyes and saw all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere ... like the garden of the Lord...

If you are anything like me at all, you have looked at someone else life, like Lot looked at the plains of Jordan. Single, it was seeing others be in committed and healthy relationships. Married, it was seeing other couples looking like they got it all together. Then longing for a baby, it was seeing everyone who didn't long for a baby, but got one anyway. It keeps going, and there are more and more layers as you build up years of disappointed hopes in relationships and beyond. We long for the greener grass because we assume that since the grass is greener, it has to be better than where we are sitting.  I don't think I'm the only one who has thought, I'd do pretty much anything to have my "plain of Jordan". 

But remember that I'm only showing you a part of verse ten. Let's read more of it now. 

10 And Lot lifted his eyes and saw all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere (before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah) like the garden of the Lord...

Lot didn't recognize that the his plains of Jordan were in the upcoming path of destruction! All he saw was the greener side. 

Now lets move over to Abraham for a minute. This is a bit longer, but I think the context just helps too much to shorten it. 

 14 And the Lord said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him: “Lift your eyes now and look from the place where you are—northward, southward, eastward, and westward; 15 for all the land which you see I give to you and your [c]descendants forever. 16 And I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered. 17 Arise, walk in the land through its length and its width, for I give it to you.”

Lot chose what appeared to be the better land, not knowing how bad things were going to get. But Abraham, who humbly submitted to his nephew, got a blessing from God! Specifically, while Lot's land was going to be destroyed, Abraham's land would flourish. In our conversation this afternoon, this is where my mentoree pointed out something to me that I didn't catch. Let's see if you caught it.

In verse ten it says "And Lot lifted his eyes and saw.." but in verse fourteen it says that God told Abraham to "lift your eyes now and look." Lot took his own initiative to scout out what would be in his best interest without any thought to what would be in the best interest of his uncle or if there would be any consequences because of his choice. But Abraham...his humility and willingness to take the lesser land was an act of obedience to God. And God blessed him in it! 

This chapter comes before the promise specifically concerning Isaac, but if you'll notice above; God promises Abraham descendants three times! Repetition is very important in the Bible, and this is three times in one paragraph. But take note! With those three promises came three declarations from God. "I will give it to you, I will make this happen, I am giving all this to you." God is in control of this situation. Later on, we see how horribly wrong things go when Abraham tries to take this promise into his own hands. 

Is God showing you what He was showing me today? Is there an area of your life that you are trying to get your 'plain of Jordan' without God's influence? I can think of a few areas for myself that I need to carefully pray about. Can I just encourage you as my aunt always encourages me: If God doesn't want this particular "plain of Jordan" for you, no matter how green and lush it may look...you don't want it. What He has for you is so much better! His plans are life-giving, not life-destroying. I don't know if they will include a particular relationship status, or if they will include children, or any other dreams you might be thinking of...But I know that it will be Good.

A Daddy’s Hope

The only time my husband has written on my blog was to share the news of another loss. But today he wanted to share his hopes for being a dad. Without further ado, this is the letter he is hoping to send to our future child’s birth parents.

To the ones who gave me the title of “Dad”, 

It has been 1 year now since we got our little one and it has been a wave of experiences. We made it through this ear with lots of prayer but little sleep. Each hour of crying was one less hour of sleep and it was tough, but each hour of crying had a few minutes of laughter. And I wouldn't trade out any of it. I would make our baby giggle and giggle until my cheeks hurt; with a peek-a-boo, a silly face, a whisker rub to the feet or letting the dogs lick her face.

We don't forget the serious stuff though. In this year we went from rolling over to crawling then straight to running. She totally skipped the cute walking phase. All I'm doing is chasing her around the yard. And the dogs love a good chase too. I run her from one thing in the yard to the next, explaining what each plant produces or how to prune the apple tree or how to fix the sprinkler system. I teach her which bugs are edible (NONE!) and how pulling on the grass helps daddy with the lawn. We've explored every inch of the house too. She knows her room, mommy and daddy's room, the dog beds (oh how she loves the dog kennels. Now to get to grandma's room is a little tricky. It took some learning and a few skipped heartbeats in my chest, but going down the stairs backwards is the best way for now. 

Each parent tries to guess what their kid is going to be when they grow up. So far our best guess is a research biologist who does stunt double work on the side and isn't afraid to go on the Fear Factor.

I want to tell you that I'm taking good care of our baby. She is learning a lot and she gets lots of attention, especially from me. I have been "sick" a few extra days this year, strange. Work can wait, I have an important job here at home. Thank you for giving me this year with her. I wouldn't have had this life without what you did for me. I know Lindsay is happy. And so am I.

He has such a heart for kids. I cannot wait for the day that he finally hears a little one call him “Daddy!”

God of Hope

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

This is a lovely verse, isn’t it? I’ve always loved it. There are so many things I’m happy to feel hope for, and I definitely like feeling the joy and peace too. But as I’ve been reading through the Bible for Lent, I’ve been recognizing how many verses we take out of context. 

The context of this verse makes it so much better than I ever realized before! Paul was talking to the believers in the Roman Church about the grace of God to extend salvation outside the nation of Israel! 

Throughout history, Israel was God’s nation. His people. Set apart from the rest of the world. Israel was the nation who was promised a Savior. But throughout the Old Testament there are glimpses of another time where Gentiles (anyone who isn’t Jewish) would be welcomed into the family of God. 

This hope Paul is talking about is the hope of salvation! It’s the hope of adoption! As a Gentile myself, this is definitely the best thing to have hope in! Knowing that I am not part of the chosen nation of Israel, but even moreso, a lifetime sinner, and yet God decided to set in motion a way for me to have hope in a relationship with Him! 

I wasn’t specifically planning to blog about Good Friday, this just happened to be what I was reading...isn’t it the perfect timing?

The sacrifice that Christ made by allowing Himself to be separated temporarily from God is exactly how God paved the way for each of us Gentiles to be brought into the family.

God was willing to die for us, His adopted kids. Being adopted into His family is a huge reason I love adoption! We choose to adopt because we’ve been adopted and He has given us a heart for it. 

May the God of hope remind you today of the hope that we now have as His adopted children!