It has been quite a while since I've blogged. I have been diving into school and loving it. I needed a break. I went through quite a long high after my diagnosis and feeling the satisfaction of that validation. But I'm coming down off that high. I'm now at the point where I'm having to learn how to live with my diagnosis, and that really isn't easy. Unfortunately, I'm still grieving my losses. I don't know if I'll ever not be grieving. Emotionally I go both ways about what I'd prefer. If I were able to stop grieving maybe I would enjoy life more. But, would I still be able to empathize as much? Though I know I'll never truly forget them, would an end to the grief mean less remembrance of my little ones? I'm not sure. I guess the only thing to do is keep moving on one day at a time.
For a while I had been considering getting a memorial tattoo on my foot so that no matter where I went, or how ever my story ends up, I'd still have them with me. They would literally go with me every step of the journey. Unfortunately, I'm pretty prone to infections and after a conversation with my doctor, I decided that getting a tattoo really wasn't an option anymore. I was very disappointed. I had been counting on that special image to remind me of who is waiting for me!
I made myself just forget it and not focus on it. But I still had the money I was going to use for the tattoo. Spontaneously, I decided to get my second earring holes pierced again. I happened to be hanging out with a friend who came with me and even got her second holes pierced too. I was talking to her later about my original plan to get a tattoo when it struck me so hard. I may not have a tattoo for my four losses, but I do have four piercings. I literally have four holes in my body. It was such an amazing moment as I considered that those four holes represent the four holes in my heart that live in heaven. My heart will always be missing those four holes. I also really liked that they (obviously) came in pairs several years apart. Rachel and Michael were three months apart. Then Ishael and Connor were three months apart two years later. I'm really happy that I have four holes in my ears, even though it being a memorial wasn't my first thought. The holes came with pain, and they never filled back in, but they did heal.
That is what God has done for me. I do have holes for my kids that will never be filled, but God has still healed the holes. He has brought beauty from the pain and suffering. I truly am grateful for that.
