Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I made it to another October. The month that everyone in my same boat knows  about. I can't tell you what a comfort it was to learn that there was actually time set aside to help others understand while we grieve.

October can be tough in some ways. Michael's estimated due date (EDD) is in October. You might not understand why that would be difficult. The day he was actually lost should be more important, But getting to an EDD without a baby arriving is devastating. That day (though not many babies are actually born on their due dates) is a reminder of every wish, dream, and hope you had for your baby. 

This year would have been his second birthday. Some days it is so hard to see other kids around his age and know that's what I could have had. I would gladly go through the terrible twos, if I could just have my baby.

My life would be so different now if either Rachel or Michael made it. Sometimes it's hard to accept that I may never know what caused me to lose them. 

Now I have another EDD to "look forward to." And unfortunately it is right before Mothers Day. A day that already has been so painful will be compounded with the crushing pain of disappointed hopes. I'm going to ask in advance that you be extra patient with me on that day. I may just hide in a hole until it's over, but in your joy, don't forget the ones in great sorrow.

I do know that God had a plan, and somehow it is for my good. I also know that it's okay to ask God why. Though I don't understand it, He understands all. I truly believe that when we come to Him with "why me?" He holds us and grieves with us. He knows what it's like to lose a child. The God of the universe knows and isn't alarmed by how I'm feeling. 

God can handle your "why"... He may even give you an answer if you're listening. It may not be the answer you were wanting, but that's where we learn to trust that God's best for us is incomparably better than any plan we have for ourselves.

I want you to know, if this is a hard month for you too, you are not alone. Don't let the isolation of loss overwhelm you. I'm always willing to talk if you need it. 

Ishael Grace

Names are very important to me. They have been ever since God named Rachel. I knew that I really wanted God to name this baby too. We had many people tell us they really felt that the baby was a girl. I felt the same way! MMM and I did have a few discussions with each other teasing back-and-forth that it was definitely a girl for me or it was definitely a boy for him but in the end it did seem more likely that it was a girl.

While I was in the middle of losing the baby I did ask God for a name, but everything was so confusing that there was nothing clear after I asked. There are several names that were in my head but none of them seemed right. I was getting a little frustrated because I really felt like this baby needed to have a name and that it had a name already, I just needed to learn what it was. I even started asking some friends if they had any thoughts on what the baby's name was. None of them had the same name that was kind of going around in my head. I was actually glad, because I didn't really want that to be the name of the baby. 

Before I had the chance to ask her, a friend sent me a message about a name! Here's what she said...

"I just wanted to pass along that God told me a name when I was initially praying for you (when the Lord told me the baby was your daughter).  I didn't want to share the name at the time as I didn't have a chance to check what it meant when I heard it as it is unusual, but I asked over and over again and kept getting the same name  The name is Ishael.  I knew that the root -el means "of  God", but I had no idea what Isha meant.  My knowledge of Hebrew is pretty close to nothing.  So, after I got back from the trip, I looked up the root and it is used in Genesis in reference to Eve and Adam.  Isha means "woman" and Ish means "man".  So the name means "Woman of God", which I thought was quite powerful and amazing as I kept hearing that the baby was a girl.  I am not sure if this is what you are supposed to name the baby, but perhaps this is the name of the baby in heaven.   I just thought I would pass this along."

This is amazing in a few ways. When I was praying for a name and I had several in my head, I just felt like they weren't right because they didn't have "-el" in them. My friend learned the name in a very similar way that I had with the first two. It was clear, persistent, and meaningful. It was such a marked difference from the cloudy confusion of names in my head that I knew that she had heard God. And it technically isn't a name. I couldn't find it in baby name search engines. So it doesn't seem possible that God wasn't involved. 

But you know what struck me the most? With Rachel and Michael, they've always just been that. I've never thought of them with our last name. It just didn't seem to fit. Now Ishael has the only middle name (because I couldn't get Grace out of my head) and it would seem more natural to have a last name, but I still can't see it! 

None of our babies have our family name, but all three of them have God's name literally in their name. And it was like God was telling me this morning that these babies might have been in me, but they have always belonged to Him, and they are in His family, carrying His name. 

Do you realize how insanely awesome that it? The tiny little seed-size beings that were in me are special, treasured, meaningful beings in the King's family! 

Truly what a blessing it is to know that they are in His presence right now. Maybe they can even sing in three part harmony as they worship the creator.

That brings joy to my singers' heart. 

If I ever have children on earth I will gladly bear this burden, but having children in heaven brings so much peace. I never have to worry about their salvation, and where they stand with God! They have been worshipping Jesus in perfect adoration from the moment of their existence, really there can't be a better life to have than the life they have gained with Christ.

So now there are three. 

Rachel - EDD 7/7/13

Michael -EDD 10/17/13

Ishael Grace - EDD 5/3/16

Our Third

This time felt different. This time there was hope and plans for the future. This time there was excitement and we got to see others be excited for us. This time was longer and stronger. Everything looked like it was great! Then all of the sudden it was like the world came to a screeching halt and we were back two years ago in an instant. 

We had so many plans of how to tell the world of our joy. Now all we can do is ask the world to mourn with us. Mourn with us as we learn to live without our third baby. Mourn with us as we walk through each day not knowing what will trigger our (more than likely "my") tears. 

It almost feels impossible that I'm saying we just went through our third miscarriage. I am still in denial. But the facts are undeniable. The baby stopped growing, there was no heartbeat, the baby is gone.

What has surprised me is how different each loss has been physically and emotionally. This loss has been the worst in both ways. I'm barely beginning to process this now. All the little plans for the future that now are meaningless. 

This is hard. This is so hard. And I'm asking you all for patience. Some of you might think that I'm too open, and these things are best not talked about. I need you to know that I am a different person now. I have changed after each loss, hopefully for the better. But it is change. I need patience as I figure out who I am now. That might mean I'm less responsive, and I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling to handle a lot of interaction. Or for you "lucky" few, this might be the only thing I talk about for a while. Thank you all for just being there. I know there are no words to say. And it's true that there is nothing that can fix this, but just being present is huge.

Already the outpouring of support has been incredible. I feel so loved and I know our baby was truly loved too. That means so much to me. 

I'm truly amazed at my own capacity for emotion right now. One moment I feel like there is absolutely no hope in the world, and the next moment God gives me something to smile about. Even if that is just that one of my favorite songs just came on, or Thor was just acting really cute. It's those little moments that are going to get me through each day. And it's only by God's grace. I honestly do not know how anyone could go through this and survive without Jesus in their lives. Without Him there truly is no hope. But with Him, while this is a sad time for us right now, I know that there will be a day when we get to see and hold all three of our little ones. That gives me so much joy. Their lives had meaning and they have forever changed me.

Thank you all for being so supportive and kind. I don't know what this journey of grief is going to look like but I truly thank you for being there along the way.

Northwest Vacation: The Road Home

So, after our car was fixed, we happily got on our way. It was so much more enjoyable driving without the violent shaking. We decided to drive back the way we came, along the Columbia River Gorge. We figured that going on the interstate would end up being faster than the back roads.

We were happy to stop at Multonomah Falls for a quick photo op.

There were so many people there, and we were eager to get back home, so we chose not to do the trails.

We saw a lot more people windsurfing on the river this time, and we got some nice views of the gorgeous place.

We continued driving down the road when we noticed the wind picking up significantly and a huge amount of dust in the air.

Directly beyond that rail is the river but you can't see the blue at all. 

We just thought it was dust (because there was a sign about dust just after this point of the road), but sadly we were mistaken. We quickly found out it was more serious when the interstate was closed.

Now in all my years of living in the midwest, I have heard of many road closings due to snow, but I've never been forced off the roads until now.

There was a wildfire close to the border of Oregon. They had personnel waiting to talk to us after we exited the freeway and they said that they hoped to get the road open before midnight (it was around 6pm at the time), or we could drive 8 hours out of the way to make it to Boise for sure. We decided to try to wait it out. So we found a place to park and tried to sleep.

We were both able to sleep for a while, and checked frequently for updates. Thankfully, two hours later, the road was open again. We quickly got back on the road, just hoping to make it through. We didn't know if it was still closed further along the line.

It was dark by the time we got to the actual location of the wildfire. It was such an interesting thing to see, despite the danger. There were areas that were just sparks, but then we came to a ridge were you could see the glow of the fire in the sky. It was really something to see.

Fortunately, the roads remained open for us. We took turns driving and sleeping through the night. We definitely were tired at the end, but we made it home at 7:30 in the morning. It was good to be home.

It was a great vacation. We had a few adventures, and we made some great memories.

Northwest Vacation: Oregon, Part Three

Thor loved the beach! He even went in the water!

Ready for the next part of the saga? Here goes....

So we brought the car back in the next morning to replace the bearing. They weren't super confident that they would be able to finish it that day, so they gave us a rental car to use.

After we left, we accidentally came across a frisbee golf course out in the middle of nowhere. We decided just to check it out, because we had all day! It truly was incredible. It was like going for a difficult hike, through ravines and everything! I don't know how anyone would be able to actually play on that course. We did find a lost frisbee disc. MMM was fascinated by this place and probably could have hung out there all day.

 

 It was recommended that we go to Nana's Irish Pub in Newport, (specifically because they allow dogs on the patio), and it was delicious! We both really enjoyed just relaxing there. We spent a good amount of time there. Thor did fairly well, especially when he got to eat fries. =P

   
We walked through Nye Beach after eating lunch. It was lovely. The weather was perfect and our stomachs were full.

We decided to check back with the mechanic for an update. He told us that they were having a hard time taking the bearing apart, and we shouldn't expect to get the car back that night. Sigh, oh well. The biggest problem with this was that we were supposed to leave the next morning!

We went back to our place and decided to do a little more exploring and driving around in the forest. Overall it was a pretty fun day! And we were thankful that we didn't have to leave Thor behind again.

The next morning we drove back to Newport and waited for a report.

The bridge from Newport to Waldport. We did that bridge so many times.

We went to one of the lighthouses in Newport, but unfortunately it wasn't open that early. So we just walked around the outside. I grabbed a couple more shots of the ocean.

Thankfully, that was when we received a phone call from the mechanic and he gave us the full story.
So here's how it went down.

As he was trying to take the bearing apart, he noticed that two bolts were loose! He was hopeful that maybe that was the entire issue. So he tightened them up and took it for a test drive. Sadly, that didn't fix the problem. So then he called the first mechanic to discuss what he had seen. After that call he decided to look further into the cv joint. Lo and behold, it was the cv joint after all. Thankfully they still had the part and he was able to quickly change it out, took it for a test drive, and TaDa! The car was fixed. It only took 3 repair shops, and probably over 20 hours to correctly diagnose and fix the issue. I'm not bitter, I promise. =D

I was thrilled with the outcome, including the fact that it was still early enough in the day to get on the road home. I will share more about the end of our trip tomorrow.

Northwest Vacation: Oregon, Part Two

So, the continuing saga of our car troubles....

We had an appointment to get our car fixed at 11am. I was a little stressed out because Thor had just been stung for the first time ever and he was feeling pretty poorly. We still went and left poor Thor in his kennel.

We dropped our car off and decided to just walk around for a bit. We found a grove of blackberries (MMM's exuberance can't be imagined) that we stayed at for a bit, and then we walked around some tourist-y shops. It was interesting because I know that Newport is a tourist town, but the area we were in just seemed kinda dead and lame, but whatever. A few of the shops were interesting, especially Pirate's Plunder. We spent quite a bit of time there, and eventually decided to buy some wind chimes as our souvenir from our vacation.

We stopped back at the mechanics two hours later and were surprised to see that our car was still parked in the parking lot and obviously hadn't been looked at. We decided to just wait there to see what was going on. It took another half an hour before they got to it and when they did the man said that from what he could see, it wasn't the cv joint after all, but rather the wheel bearing (which we had been told before would need to be replaced). We accepted the change in diagnosis, and then found out that this meant they couldn't fix it then (because they didn't have the part) so we would have to come back the next day.

We left immediately to go rescue our poor puppy from his kennel and decided to take him to the beach!

Thor had a blast running all over these rocks. We were both amazed with his fearlessness and agility.

The beach was so cool! And with all the rocks it was incredibly loud too. There is something so awe inspiring about the ocean. I'm glad we had a few days to spend along the coast.

The car saga continues tomorrow.

Northwest Vacation: Oregon, Part One

After we left White Salmon, WA, we drove across the Columbia River to Oregon.
The entire road went along the river, and it was stunning. The river is famous for windsurfing, and we saw many people out there!








We had several people suggest that we check out the many waterfalls along the Gorge. We decided to stop at Latourell Falls because it had a good hike that we had time to do!

There were actually two waterfalls. One was right at the beginning of the hike, and the one that most people see. The second was at least half way through the hike. I think I actually enjoyed the second one more.

At one point we came to a rocky precipice that we were able to look over. I was a tad nervous, but it turned out alright. We were actually pretty high up! I could see people walking on a trail far below us.

 The hike took us even farther down then we started. We had to cross a highway and walk through a park until we found this path under the bridge. The bridge itself was very impressive.

We eventually made it to the base of the first waterfall. Boy, was it crowded there. I was so grateful that we'd done the hike and not had so many people around.  Over all it was very beautiful, and we are both glad we made the stop.

On a side note, the entire trip we were having some trouble with our car. We thought it was taken care of before we left, but we weren't on the road long before we realized it was still an issue. So, I was so grateful to have booked our reservations through VRBO.com because then we had an actual personal connection with a local. She suggested a mechanic in Waldport, OR (about 30 from our destination) and we gladly set up an appointment with him.

On the way to Waldport we passed through Newport. The first thing we did was go to "The Gluten Free Place" to get some goodies. I had my first donut in over a year, and let me tell you something. It was amazing! It was so exciting to go into a store knowing that everything was safe (on the gluten side, and they had lots of dairy free options). 

The mechanic in Waldport was excellent. He took the car for a test drive and immediately had a diagnosis. He checked under the car and stated that it had to be the "cv joint" (keep in mind that I know next to nothing about cars), but unfortunately, he didn't have the part or the time to repair it. He referred us to a place back in Newport, so we set up an appointment for the next day. 

We made it to our accomodations about 15 minutes east of Yachats, OR (said yah-hots) and met our lovely host. She made us feel welcome right away and was glad to see us in one piece. I took less pictures in our time here for various reasons, but it was truly beautiful. Again, we were out in the forest with a river nearby, and the ocean only 15 minutes away. 

I can tell you for sure that MMM's favorite thing was the overabundance of blackberries. They truly are considered weeds in that area. They were at the perfect ripeness to be eaten so we ate a lot of them! 

Tomorrow I'll tell you more about our appointment with the Newport mechanic. It was an adventure to be sure. 

Northwest Vacation : Washington

 Next on our trip was Washington! We had a good drive down to the Columbia River Gorge.

We stayed at another AirBnB place a few miles outside of White Salmon.

 The view was spectacular. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite clear enough, but they say that they can see Mt. Hood from their house.

 This AirBnB was a little different as these owners had a separate cabin close to their house. It was the perfect size with a full bathroom and dishes to use.














They even had a grill that they let us use to prepare food for the next few days.

They had a lovely path next to a creek that we walked.

As we left we got to drive along the Columbia river, and it was absolutely gorgeous!

Washington  was lovely. Again, we loved the trees and the mountains. The landscape was just incredible. White Salmon was a quaint little town that we could have spent a lot more time in.

Up Next: Oregon

Northwestern Vacation: Idaho

 Our next stop was Coeur D'Alene, ID. The first thing we did was stop at Mineral Ridge for a hike. The next several pictures are from that.

Idaho selfie!

  One of the cool things at Mineral Ridge was this abandoned mining prospect. It was amazing to see how much work it would take to dig out that kind of hole.

Thor decided to make a cameo.

After our three hour hike, we found some live music in the park and Thor and MMM were so tired that they both dropped off in minutes.


That night we were advised to go to a lovely restaurant that had some great gluten free food and a nice patio. It worked out that we could tie Thor to the fence and he just laid down and slept. I guess that hike did the trick!










Idaho was gorgeous! The lake was amazing and huge. I'd say the only sad thing was the city wasn't very dog friendly. They ended up kicking us out of the park (above) because dogs aren't allowed on the grass. =P Don't ask me why.

Also, we decided to use AirBnB for our room and we met a great family who were very helpful and kind. It was a good first experience with AirBnB.

Northwest Vacation - Montana

So my boss had scheduled her family vacation for August, which meant that I got a full week off of work! So MMM and I decided to take a long roadtrip all around the Northwest so that I could see more states that I've never seen. Our first stop was Montana.

I'll be honest, the drive to Missoula wasn't anything too special, but it wasn't ugly either.

Thor on his makeshift bed. He did surprisingly well on our long drives!

Day One of driving.

 We ended up driving about 6 hours to get to our first stop. We decided to camp that first night and we found a pretty nice campground!

Gotta have a selfie in every state!

 Camping went fairly well, but neither of us were quite expecting it to get down to 45 degrees! It was quite chilly in the morning, so we left as soon as it was light enough to pack our tent.

The views of Montana

Once we got past Missoula, the scenery definitely improved! It was so incredibly lush and green. And there were so many beautiful valleys that we saw.










At one point, we needed to stop to let Thor out, and we ended up driving on this back road for a few miles and it opened up to this gorgeous valley. It had pine covered hills surrounding it, and a beautiful river running through it. We both agreed that it would be a lovely place to live.

Enjoying the winding roads to Idaho!

Over all, both MMM and I decided that Montana could definitely be a possibility for a future home for us. (Like when we retire and don't have a job to commute to. =P) We loved the hills/mountains, and all the trees, the amazing rivers, and the incredible amount of open space.

I definitely wouldn't mind going back and spending more time in Montana.


UP NEXT: Idaho