It has been nine months since I got the second piercing in my ears. Generally, piercings in the earlobes take about 2 months to heal. I didn't dare even take my earrings out once before 5 months had passed. I knew that my body was very sensitive and difficult to heal. At five months I started taking them out to clean them, clean my ears, and would put them back in. At six months I probably started leaving them out for a few hours, seven months - most of the day, eight months - over night, and now nine months. I might leave them out for 24 hours. And even after all this time one of my piercings was bleeding and irritated just yesterday! Through this whole process it has been interesting to me how the holes would take turns being irritated. Rarely were both new holes struggling at the same time. They would switch back and forth...be okay for a day, and them go back to the cycle of back and forth. On more than one occasion I actually found my original holes getting inflamed!
Tonight as I thought about my ears, I appreciated the excellent example of grief it showed me. While I truly believe no one should tell anyone else what is the "correct" way to grieve, this illustration truly fit me to a tee.
When the trauma happens it is such a blow to the system. The five stages of grief can come at any moment and in any order. In many ways it feels like your body is fighting a stab wound to the heart and it's afraid to let anything in. It feels like every moment of every day revolves around the traumatic experience. You might want to get back to feeling normal, and being healthy again, but you have very little control over that aspect of your life. So you take a hold of the few things you can control and start to isolate yourself in fear of exposing just how wounded you truly are.
As time moves on you start to feel a little braver. You carefully prepare some limited time for vulnerability. You might have one experience that doesn't end in a break down and you feel victorious. And then the next time you go in expecting another good result and you end up with a bleeding soul. And so you hide away again, waiting for another day of bravery.
The days move on..You might even be sick of the fear of breaking down. You might be so frustrated that a potential breakdown is even a problem at all. Just to spite the circumstances, you put yourself in a position to be over triggered and expect yourself to handle it calmly and rationally. You probably know how that ends..more bleeding and the start of infection. A pain so deep being triggered in a way that causes despair of ever being truly healed.
More cycles of hiding away and then poking your head out to the light of day..over and over the same things happen. Only this time the victorious days are more common. You begin to feel encouraged that you are coming out of the tunnel of brokenness. The days getting longer and longer between despair episodes. They get so far apart that you no longer are even expecting a new stab of the cruelty of this world.
All of the sudden, without any warning, the traumatic memory is triggered by the sight of more blood. and the discouragement is even deeper than before. You thought you were doing well. You thought you could trust yourself to be better. You feel betrayed by your own self. It is hard to get past that feeling of self loathing.
Fast forward to nine months since trauma (the fact that it's been 9 months - a whole pregnancy- since receiving my piercing has not slipped my mind ) every day seems to be going smoothly. You start noticing that you seem to have healed, and yet every once in a while a word is said and you are reminded of the trauma. Now you feel slightly better equipped to handle it safely. You recognize that this is a pattern. There are things you can do to get through the triggering event. A new hope is born that healing can truly take place. Still you know it may take much much longer than others might expect.
The piercings in my ears are incredibly special to me. I wrote here about how they each indicate a baby I lost. My dear dear friend gave me the insanely kind gift of earrings with each initial. An R for Rachel, an M for Michael, and I for Ishael Grace, and a C for Conner Elliot. As their initials have been used in all four holes I have been blessed to feel my little ones so closely. Another interesting aspect of grief that I have considered is how I can grieve for one loss in different ways than my other losses. I saw that concept perfectly in the back and forth cycle of each hole deciding to be solely difficult. This also will show up as grieving for just one of them at a time. Sometimes thinking about Rachel is so much more painful than thinking about Ishael. And sometimes I feel triggered just by one loss, and not all four. It is a complicated feeling to be sure.
Over all, I think what struck me most is just how much of a growing and learning process it is to allow yourself to heal at your own pace. And how much courage it takes to expect those moments of pain and bleeding and yet still strive to push forward and heal.
I know that eventually my piercings will be completely healed. I appreciate how much my body has healed and I'm going to choose to take is one day after another..just one day at a time. But I also know that my soul may never forget the trauma it has gone through. I am prepared to always be partially healed in grief. I trust God to get me through it.
