What Dreams I Had

...1.23.11, 2.24.12, 6.2.12...

What can look like a random assortment of numbers is, in fact, part of the most significant change in my life...ever. 

It is

 only 90, 

no 50,

 no 20,

 NO...9 days

 until the day I have been dreaming of for most of my life. 

Over the course of our engagement I have gone through moments of disbelief and shock that I am actually getting married! I am going to be a wife in just 9 days!

 I have been thinking about the dreams I had when I was little. How I expected to meet the man of my dreams, the fun things we would do together, I dreamt of how he would propose, and of course, I dreamt of what our wedding would look like.

 Oh the plans I had. Little did I know how much would change in the course of my twenty-one years. The love of my life is so much better than the man of my dreams. The amazing things we have done together have been so much more wonderful and life changing and anything I dreamt up. I could never have dreamt up a better proposal than the one I received. My wedding is different than what I always imagined, but it is so much better.

 It is so much better because it is shared with a real man, not just a figment of my imagination. How blessed I am.

 I just can't get over how incredible our God is, and how perfectly He works everything for good. I hoped to meet the man of my dreams when I moved here, but I never expected to meet the love of my life. 

I have only experienced this for a short time and have already seen what a blessing it is to have my best friend be my future husband. To have his love and laughter in my life every day. To have his encouragement and his pressure to continue becoming stronger in who I am. Wow, I have been given so much. 

What I find interesting is that I wouldn't have dreamt up what has actually happened and found it to be exciting enough, but to have lived through it and felt God leading within it all has shown me time and time again how His plan is always better than mine. 

The countdown is nearing an end, the details are managed, the excitement is growing, and now I'm just beyond excited to become Mrs. M.

Changes

I miss it! I miss how things used to be. I miss when swing dancing was a huge part of my life and all my friends were dancing too. I miss all the games and movies we enjoyed together. I want to have a party right now, but I know it won't be the same! Three out of our group have moved away and the rest of us are just too busy to set aside that time for each other. I definitely have a part in that with all my wedding planning, so I'm to blame as well. I just miss all the friends. I suppose it is pretty strange to want things to be as they were, because I obviously wouldn't want to change the fact that I'm getting married, and that is a big enough change to throw everything off balance. *sigh* I can't have both my life as it is now along with the life I had when I first moved here, it is simply impossible. But I'm glad that my life has progressed to where it is now. I'm excited to be getting married in only eleven days! It is amazing how God has been working all these events together in such a way that has brought me to such a blessed stage of life. I really am blessed.  What a blessing to have had that time of friends as I was first settling here. What a blessing to have grown closer to a few of them and to have retained them as my best friends. What a blessing to be where I am now as a young bride excited to see where the Lord will take us. My life is going to be turning upside down over our first year of marriage, but what a blessing to go through all of it together. Yes, I do miss the good ol' days, but I am blessed beyond measure.

Weakness

The last two days have been pretty rough for me, honestly. I've had a few different circumstances come up lately that have seriously brought the worst out in me. I'm sorry to anyone who has encountered my "Mr. Hyde".

 I have felt so weighed down because of the emotions these circumstances usually cause, only this time has been much worse. I realized yesterday that Satan has a big hold on me in one area of my life and he knows the pressure points to make me crack. I am thankful that I was able to achieve a small victory yesterday by the power of Christ's name, but that made the devil come back even stronger today. 

This afternoon I felt my mind flood with negative thoughts on everyone around me, but mostly me. 

I heard questions asked that haven't been asked in years. 

I felt old emotions stir up of inadequacy and failure. 

I began to doubt my once strong convictions. 

I began to lose trust in the truths I have been reminded of so faithfully.

A feeling of anger and frustration arose in me.

I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.

And all this was happening without good cause! I can seriously say that there is no reason I should have felt like that.  I have not endured so much trouble to be so discouraged. But Satan knows that these are the things that will make me shaky. These are the things the draw me farther from people and put myself in isolation. Satan knows exactly what I need to hear in order to doubt who God has created me to be. I'm tired of it. I don't want to feel this weight, this heaviness. I don't want to have a bitter spirit!

I wrote this a while back during a different difficult situation, but I have found that it's relevance is endless. It was a brief moment of encouragement to me today to be able to play my song once again. Now the trick is getting it from being just words on a page to making them words that are stamped upon my heart. I thought I would share the lyrics with you and hope that they may be an encouragement to you too.

All the trials, all the pain
All the suffering from today
All the weakness that I see in me.

I'm giving it up
Giving it all
To the one who will hold me,

All the hatred, and bitterness
Are so heavy on my chest
All the anger that I feel in me

Chorus x2

Bridge:
You are sovereign,
You are holy
You have taken all my sin away
You are sovereign
You are holy
Yoe are showing me your love

Chorus x2