Connor Elliot

I feel so... Lost. My pregnancy with Ishael was better than either Rachel or Michael. We had so much hope that things would end differently, but we were disappointed. This pregnancy was exponentially better! All my bloodwork was fantastic. We even got to see the baby's heart beat at 6.5 weeks. We knew that no matter what this pregnancy was going better than any before.

It was going better. 

But I knew something was wrong. I was 8 weeks and 6 days when I just felt an overwhelming sense that something was wrong, and I couldn't shake it. 

Things continued on and I had no signs of trouble until I hit 11 weeks. After a lot of calling my doctor we finally got an ultrasound for that afternoon. As soon as the ultrasound came up I knew the baby was gone.

Our baby wasn't moving and we couldn't see any heartbeat. The tech told us the baby only measured 8 weeks and 3 days. I strongly believe our baby died at 8 weeks and 6 days. 

Our baby lived three weeks longer than his siblings and I carried a month longer than before. 

Mentally processing that we lost another baby has been slow in coming. I still feel a lot of denial. I've been struggling to feel anything, including God. 

Friends prayed for us that God would give us a message. I still find it incredible that they prayed that. They know nothing of our history of loss and receiving names.

That night I had a dream. In the dream I actually got a text from God, which sounds so bizarre. But right then I knew I was in a dream and I just wished I could write everything down so I wouldn't forget any of it. I remember several things He said that I truly needed to hear, but the last thing He did was give me a name. 

Connor. Another name I would never have chosen on my own. There are a few meanings for Connor but the one I've laid claim on is "high desire". This baby was so highly desired! But his name wasn't completed yet. A friend reminded me about Elliot which I've had in my mind this whole pregnancy. Elliot means Jehovah is God. It truly just struck me so hard. Our baby boy was so highly desired, but our Jehovah is still God.

I don't know why God has chosen to have us walk this road, but I know His plan is better than mine ever could be. And I'm so so grateful that He gave me the chance to be a mother to my babies. It is far greater to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 

Why Can't I Cry?

A guest post from MMM:

You hear someone remark "I can't help it; I wear my emotions on my sleeve".
Typically I imagine the loud, exuberant woman at the party or the sensitive friend who 'oohs' and 'ahhs' everything you say that has anything to do with puppies or love. For girls this is more acceptable. For guys this would be rarer. Perhaps other sentiments strike their heart strings besides puppies and love. In fact, my brother just confirmed this weekend he's the type with figurative tear drops and billboard sign hanging off his sleeves. Yet, I can't remember him crying more than once.

If you didn't recognize yourself in the above paragraph maybe you will in this one. "You don't get it. I know you don't and that's okay. But it hurts right now and I need you to just accept that! And stop trying to fix it because you can't fix everything." This is what I hear from my sobbing wife on occasion. I truly mean on occasion because I keep trying to fix the problems in her life. even after I failed to fix it the first time. This is no bash on her. She is just the emotional type.

This relationship has been hard because, while I want someone who will walk beside me through the tough terrain and will follow my footsteps as I avoid the cracks and crevices, she wants someone to carry her through it. And I mean through the cracks and into the crevices. We have two mindsets when it comes to facing challenges. Don't get me wrong. I know life isn't black and white and symbolism is just that; symbolism. But on the aggregate I would say we handle the difficult problems this way.

Now how in the world do we win this argument? Emotional types: "If you would just love her for who she is." Stoic types: "She needs to learn there are facts and there are feelings." Well, maybe I don't have to win. Instead of How Do I Win, it would be better to ask What Would Jesus Do? The answer. He would be you.

You guys have helped me and my wife cope with quite a few stressors in our first 4 years. Who would have thought you put two Christians together in one house, draft a lifelong covenant based on love, weave in some American culture and then fire the starting pistol you'd end up with cold dinner and a cold shoulder some nights? If it hadn't been for your voices, your encouragement, your 'likes' and your 'thumbs up' we would have been in a world of hurt. Jesus is the friend. So thank you Jesus. Whether it's a call, a text, a poke or a hug we thank you for friends that look like you.

We lost another baby in the womb today and we could really use Jesus.