"Just Adopt"

There are so few people in our world that actually have a grasp on how difficult this journey has been. Part of me is obviously happy that they haven’t had to deal with this, while the other part of me is so jealous. So many people will say “just adopt” when they hear of a couple with infertility. There is no “just adopt”. For us adoption has been one of the hardest things we’ve ever dealt with. 

In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant bills. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Once we were home study approved we started a facebook page where every single word, thought, picture, etc. would be judged by strangers. A page that would seem to be moving in the right direction only to stall out. And then we added an instagram page where we were introduced to scammer after scammer. Then we paid to host a profile on a leading adoption networking site and had absolutely zero interaction. Then we used the amazing skills of our brother-in-law to make our own website which has resulted primarily in spam emails. Then we started promoting our facebook page and seeing some more interaction but still no matches. The next step was obvious, and we hired someone to help us manage our facebook page. This led to more and more interaction but not a single true possibility. And that finally led us to working with our consultant. We have had significantly more opportunities and possibilities that still have not led us to a match. And every single step along this journey has cost money, time, mental energy, emotional energy, and the ability to hope. The cost has been so high.

Pursuing a word of mouth adoption means that everyone knows that we are in this process. Sometimes this is great, and I love being reminded that we aren’t on this journey alone. And yet, there are the bad days where I simply don’t even want to think of the heartbreak we’re enduring and it is then that the questions and comments just frustrate and upset me. Unfortunately, there is no way for innocent bystanders to know if they happen to be asking on a good day or a bad day, so I do apologize for the days that I have a sore attitude about life. 

I’m finding myself in a strange emotional conundrum. Half of me remains hopeful that one way or another we will eventually have children. But the other half of me is seeing my hope dwindle farther and farther away. My heart feels heavy with this burden. The exhaustion of being on this path for almost three full years is beginning to feel like too much. Perhaps this exhaustion is only for a short duration. Or maybe this exhaustion will only continue to grow and permeate every inch of our lives til we reach the point of saying we’re done, we can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know how many times I have begged God for a sign that we are still going in the correct direction, but each time, He has provided an encouragement that we’re where we need to be. We could really use some encouragement now. If adoption is not what God has for us, then I’d rather not adopt, but having some clear direction would be helpful. I believe that there are moments of life where God has multiple paths we can take and none of them are the definitive “right” path. And it feels like we are at one of those crossroads. There are no hard no’s or hard yes’s, just lots of maybe’s. It is to the point that we would both like someone else to make some of these decisions. 

We want clear answers from God, but that isn’t always how He works. We have multiple options for pursuing a family laying ahead of us. One of the most frequent questions we’ve gotten is if we’ve “thought about foster care”. I think I can speak for the majority of the infertility community when I say you don’t need to ask if we’ve “thought about X option”, because I can assure you we’ve already thought about it more times than we can count. And still, every single time I think and consider pursuing foster care, I come back to the conclusion that now is not the right time. There is no peace in my heart with the idea of going into foster care right now. 

I’m not sure what we are supposed to do. I don’t know that we will continue to pursue adoption long term. I don’t know if we’ll continue to pursue having any children long term. I don’t know if we’ll find out tomorrow that we will be parents. I don’t know if we will end up adopting through foster care. I simply don’t know much of anything right now. All I do know is that despite my emotional and mental exhaustion, this will only be for a season. Someday I will know the answer to all those questions. And until I learn those answers, I can choose to step into each day with the goal of seeking God more than I did today. I can choose to stop trying to control the things that are uncontrollable. I can choose to take one day at a time, and make decisions as they come flying at us. I can choose to place some issues on the back burner. I can choose to protect my heart from continued hurts. As much as I hate it, I can choose to live in patience that God has a plan that is better than my plan could ever be. 

Expectations

Expectations have been on my mind the last few weeks. Pursuing adoption means that every single day starts off with the expectation that we might finally be chosen. And each night those expectations go unfulfilled. Each year there is a growing expectation that we will have a little one in our arms by Christmas, and yet, we are just ten days away from our eighth Christmas without children. For my entire life I lived with the expectation that I would be finished baring children by my thirtieth birthday, and then my birthday came and went without any sounds of the pitter patter of little feet. 

Living under this constant level of expectation has been such an exhausting experience. What I’m starting to realize is that my expectation continually finds itself focusing on the wrong thing. Every single day is a battle to renew my anticipation for Christ. My pastor was recently talking about the Wise Men and the culture surrounding the birth of Christ. Their whole world was living in expectation of a coming savior and king. And yet, when the King actually arrived, so many of them couldn’t see Him for who He was!

But how wonderful it was for those who truly saw Him! Their world was radically changed by His arrival, and I’m absolutely confident that they wouldn’t have had it any other way. To consider the persecution His followers faced so gladly is such a heavy conviction. If I were to be tortured and persecuted right now, would my faith be so rooted in Christ that I would also choose to gladly suffer for His sake? Or am I too distracted by my expectations of children to choose Him over them?

A sweet friend of mine went through the heartbreaking process of carrying a sweet baby boy who would certainly die at birth unless God performed a miracle. As we fasted and prayed over her and her son, I remember her sharing with us about this great desire to numb her entire experience. How much easier it was for her to cope if she could distract herself for a while. And yet, she felt convicted to not allow herself to be distracted and numb. It was honestly a shock when she told me that she decided to stop watching movies and shows to distract herself. 

Sadly, her precious son did not spend much time here on earth with us. It can be easy to question God about why He could allow this to happen, especially to those who choose to follow Him. I have yet to find a solid answer for this question, but I have seen time and time again how God uses the broken pieces of our lives to help mold and encourage others.

As I sat in church this past Sunday, crying out to a God who feels so far away, I felt Him gently remind me of my friend’s determination to turn her eyes on Him in her darkest moments and call me to turn aside my anticipation and expectation of children and focus back on Him instead. Though without a doubt, my friend would rather choose to raise her little son, it has been amazing to see how God has worked through her testimony. She likely has no idea how her one decision has stuck with me over the years, and yet God was able to bring her back to my mind when He needed to remind me of His goodness. 

But to be honest; I’m scared to stop distracting myself. I’m scared to let myself fully sit in the present and process the many decisions we are facing. I’m nervous that allowing myself to focus back onto God and His plan will only fuel the anger that was ignited with Connor’s death. I’m terrified that choosing to forgo distracting and numbing my struggles will be the catalyst for my mental health to become non-existent. The mostly conscious decisions I’ve made this week have all been in favor of distractions because the fear of sitting in this darkness and being disappointed again is so intense.

I am so scared, but meanwhile, God seems to be whispering that He is capable of handling my big emotions. He’s capable of calming every fear. He is capable of steering my heart to be more in line with His will. He is capable and, more importantly, willing to bring peace and calm to my anxious soul. He is capable of wiping the slate clean. He is capable of being my rest on the wearying days. And all He is asking is, would I choose to expect Him instead?

Will I choose to expect Him to remain good despite my pain? Will I choose to expect Him to have a plan that is so much better than mine? Adopting would be fantastic, but isn't He worth more? Excitedly sharing Christmas with our children would be amazing, but isn't celebrating Jesus' birth enough? Having kids before I was thirty would have been great, but isn't He better? I could have kids, a husband, a job, and a home and it would all be wonderful, but would it actually even matter without Christ? It wouldn't. So despite my fear, I'm going to do my best to set aside distractions. We have two more weeks until 2020 is over, and I want to finish them well by choosing not to distract myself with shows. Is there something that God is telling you to give up? Won't it worth it in the end?

Thank you!

Recently, I found a miniseries on Facebook called “9 months with Courteney Cox” and I binge watched every episode they had available. It is all about the journey to become parents from all walks of life. Many of the stories were scary and hard. And many of them dealt with some form of fertility struggle. 

Watching this show was wonderful and difficult at the same time.  But overall, I am just so excited for the couples who made it through the nine months to have a baby at the end! 

There was one story of infertility that really touched me. They’d been married around 10 years I believe, and they had already tried so many things and had multiple incomplete pregnancies. In the end, they had a pregnancy survive and they had a gender reveal party. And as they were surrounded by friends and family cheering them on, I couldn’t hold back the tears. 

Watching them helped me remember the great circle of supporters we have as we navigate this journey ourselves. Sometimes it feels like we are completely alone and that so few people understand our experience. It is easy to feel invisible and like the struggle we’re facing isn’t as important as the struggles of others. It is so so hard to fight those thoughts on the bad days, but God has consistently sent us reminders of His faithfulness in the forms of our friends and family. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have been in despair over this heartache and a message will come in. Sometimes it will be someone who is consistently checking in, but it seems most often that the message will come from someone that I didn’t even know had been actively praying for us, or someone who I haven’t spoken with for ages. 

And as that message comes in, even for just a moment, I don’t feel quite so alone. I don’t feel invisible anymore. And watching this couple share in this precious moment with their loved ones gave me just a glimpse of what I feel confident we will experience one day. 

Whether via pregnancy or adoption, the day we are able to share that we are parents is going to be the absolute best! If we had never gone through this heartache and longing for children, it might have been different, but knowing just how much support we’ve received, one of the things I look forward to the most is just the amount of celebrating that will happen when our wait is over. I am so so grateful. I can’t even write this without tearing up thinking of you! The support that you have shown us; by sharing our story, helping spread the word, keeping your ears open, checking in, being excited with us at a potential opportunity and then sad with us when it doesn’t progress, and most of all, for praying for us; we could never express how much it means. 

Thank you for loving us in the good and the bad. Thank you for being patient with us when we are struggling to be patient ourselves. Thank you for not losing hope for us and our dreams. Thank you so very much for continuing to pray for us! 

While we have no potential opportunities right now, I’m still hopeful that someday soon we will be able to let you know that your prayers and support worked and we finally have a child to love for the rest of our lives. I can’t wait to have you all there for that day. 

Hope in the Wait

There are so many words spilling around in my head this morning. I don't know that I'll be able to make much sense of them, but hopefully writing them out will help!

About a year and a half ago, I hosted an event at my church called Hope in the Wait for women struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The event itself definitely went well, and out of it I started a Hope in the Wait page on Facebook. Honestly, it's not a hopping place, but that's okay. When I started using Instagram for our adoption page, I started noticing what a great community there is for women in my position. So I created a second instagram account specifically for Hope in the Wait! (@hopeinthewaitutah for both fb and insta). And as the last year and a half has unfolded, I have just tried to share things that have encouraged me. 

As a person, I feel inadequate. I have a huge heart for this community, and I want to help others feel less alone. Because I feel so alone. I struggle with praying as much as I should. Do I actually know that God is leading me? It can be hard to tell sometimes. In some ways I feel like I have had enough experience to speak truth into the lives of others. In other ways I feel like I'm positively clueless. 

Looking at some of the other women who lead large ministries in the infertility/loss community, they always seem to have this vision of where God is going to take their ministry. Not having a huge vision makes me wonder if God is in this or not. My vision is small. Normalize infertility and loss. Speak openly so others might bravely speak too. Help others to accept that where they are at in their journey is simply where they are today. Tomorrow is a new day that God is orchestrating for good. Remind them that though their story is unique, we share a common ground. 

While my seemingly small vision doesn't have any numbers attached to it, we live in a society where numbers mean so much. It's hard to not get caught up in the desire to have more likes and follows and comments. But even as I'm considering that this morning, I know that if I only connected with a few women, and was an encouragement to them alone, it still is worth so much. However, rejection has been a huge struggle for me in my loneliness. So I think having those numbers has assuaged those feelings of rejection for a moment. 

At the beginning of this year, I started making plans for my second Hope event. It originally was set for May, just before mother's day, as a reminder that we aren't forgotten in the midst of this painful holiday. But, Covid. (Isn't it interesting how much weight one word can have? Everyone who has lived through this year knows what I mean when the only word I say is, Covid.) So I tentatively planned to have it in September, just hoping that Covid would have settled down enough by then. And in the meantime, I didn't focus much on it. I just went about my business. 

But as the date got closer, I got my speaker all figured out, and truly started praying for it like I always should be. So many prayers asking God to bring exactly who needed to be there, even if that was only one person. Prayers asking God to help me manage my own expectations. Prayers for someone to come alongside me as a helper. Prayers for this event to not be about me at all. And what a blessing it was to have several people tell me that they were seriously praying for it as well! The first year was definitely supported, but this year just felt like a different level of support, and I'm so grateful. 

It all came together. Games, a craft, sweet deals on gift basket supplies (gifts are always my favorite part!), my sweet friend as a speaker, and the answered prayer of helpers who came alongside of me. Everything was looking really positive, including multiple rsvps! The night before the event was very uninteresting until I made the horrific mistake of simply looking up. (Shocking, I know!) As I looked up, my neck slipped out of alignment. The pain was quite serious. The ensuing headache was similar in feel to the 45 day migraine I experienced last year. Immediately, I asked some friends to pray. This felt like more than an accident. Thankfully, I was able to sleep and go to a chiropractor in the morning, so there was at least a little improvement. And that was just the start of things not going as planned yesterday. All little things, but I had no doubt that Satan was trying to get at me. The struggle was just to not let him! I was determined to maintain a good attitude. 

Finally getting to the church was a relief, but as we were getting it all set up and ready to go, my anxiety of rejection kept trying to flare up. Thank you, God, for a sweet and calm presence in my helper. She helped me so much to let go of my expectations! Then the first lady showed up. Such a relief. Someone actually came. And then two more! I was thrilled to have three people come! And then two more!! In so many ways 5 people in attendance sounds like a meager number. But I couldn't have been more elated. Five women trusted me enough to show up to an event that exposes a vulnerability. Having those five women arrive nearly had me in tears. I had prayed so much that God would move, and that if this event just shouldn't happen, that He would be closing doors. And that if He wasn't going to close doors, that my actions would be a blessing to others.

Every moment of the event yesterday was a blessing to me. Small moments of connection, including actually having a gluten and dairy free snack that one of the ladies could actually eat! I had no idea that she needed it like I did, but I'm so glad I was able to be a blessing even in something small like that! Even the fact that we went overtime with sweet conversation was a boon to my soul. This event wasn't for me, and yet the presence of these particular ladies was a complete blessing to me. While I can't directly speak for those who attended, the consensus I've heard is that they were glad they came. I honestly couldn't ask for more than that. I've had so many encouraging words from the attendees and others standing in the wings praying. 

I have no clue what God is going to do with Hope in the Wait, but I really hope that He will continue to bless it for many years, so I can be used and be a blessing for others. My heart is so full this morning. To quote the speaker from yesterday, God doesn't waste our hurts. God, please, please, continue to make something beautiful out of the hurts I've experienced. 

 

In His Time

In just three days it will be our 8 year wedding anniversary. That we would be at this point, with no earthly children, was unimaginable. For as long as I can remember, it has been my dream to be done bearing children by age 30. Yet, as my 30th birthday is only a few months away, I know it’ll take a miraculous adoption in order to have any children, much less be done having kids by 30. It is disappointing to be sure, but I recently read something that encouraged me so much! I have brought up this point in so many conversations lately, and I’m so grateful for the perspective change! For the past few weeks I’ve wondered where I heard this story, but I finally found it tonight and had to share it!

One Sunday morning, a pastor at her church preached about the passage in Esther 4:14 where Esther’s uncle says to her, “You were born for such a time as this.” This pastor explained that God had specific purposes for the times his own children were born – that the Lord had already prepared in advance the people they would meet, the world events they would be part of, and the specific moments in which God intended to use them. Michelle left the service that day realizing that it wasn’t just about her getting pregnant, it was about what God had planned for her child.— 

When Infertility Books Aren’t Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility 

by Betsy Herman 

It seems like such a simple idea, but it’s radically changed my heart. My children will be born for a specific time. Whether biological, adopted, in two months, or ten years, I know that my children will serve a purpose in God’s plan. How can I rightly ask or expect God to bring them to me before their time is here? That would be entirely selfish of me. As much as I long for children, I long even more for my future children to have a greater purpose, as so many of the children post infertility in the Bible were eventually seen to have.

He has given us so much encouragement that we will be parents one day. Do I wish that day was five years ago? Of course. But I know that every day of our wait will be worth it. God is using this time to change and grow us into the best parents for the children He will entrust to us. 

It’s truly amazing to me just how deeply my patience has been affected for the good. The peace I feel right now is incalculable and I pray that God will continue to renew that peace in me, especially on the hard days. He has never ceased to be good to me, and I have utmost confidence in His unchanging character. 

a Lot of thoughts

One of my favorite things to do with my mentoree is study the Bible in-depth. We’ve been making our way through Genesis and today we were in chapter 19. We both concurred that this is one of our least favorite chapters! I was surprised with how much we pulled out of it anyway!

There is so much that we can’t fully understand in this story. So much of it feels entirely evil!  How could any father give up his daughters? How could an entire city be so evil

that “every old and young gathered” to pursue evil? The overall question we both had was, why would Lot choose to live here?? He knew how evil it was, so why did he stay in the  first place? 

But there were sections of this story that really stood out to me for our lives today.

 “But the men reached out their hands and pulled Lot into the house with them, and shut the door. And they struck the men who were at the doorway of the house with blindness, both small and great, so that they became weary trying to find the door.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭19:10-11

God is continuing to impress on me that I can trust Him. Lot didn’t. He tried to protect his angelic company by promoting a different avenue of evil, and then the angels took over and protected the whole family. 

There are so many things I want to be able to control, but I need to trust that God is perfectly capable of taking care of me without my help. He is big enough.

“So Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who had married his daughters, and said, “Get up, get out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city!” But to his sons-in-law he seemed to be joking.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭19:14‬ ‭

When God speaks, do we listen? How often do we brush His words aside as unimportant? I’ve been truly fortunate to have God speak through several friends lately, but it makes me me wonder how often God has spoken and I’ve paid no attention! My prayer for this year is that our eyes, minds, and hearts will be open to the movement of the word of God!

“And while he lingered, the men took hold of his hand, his wife’s hand, and the hands of his two daughters, the LORD being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭19:16‬ ‭

First off, we have to note that despite knowing the evilness of the city, knowing the angelic presence to save him, and knowing that everything would be destroyed: Lot still lingered! It seems absolutely shocking that Lot wouldn't run to safety as soon as possible,  but how often do we do the same thing?

Sin is pleasurable! We are naturally drawn to evil, it seems. So how often have we been convicted of sin in our lives and yet lingered in it? Maybe we thought the sin wasn’t “that bad” or maybe we thought we could just stop whenever we want by our own power! I have definitely lingered in areas of my life that weren’t for my best. 

Despite Lot lingering in this city of evil, God was merciful and forcibly removed him and his family from Sodom. God saves Lot and his family even though they went unwillingly. Have you ever felt God was dragging you, kicking and screaming, into something new? I certainly have! This verse provided so much comfort! Not only can I trust God to help me on this journey, but I can trust that He knows what is in my best interest and will continue to direct me even when I’m struggling to want to go along with Him. 

There is so much more we could discuss about this chapter, but I’ll end with this:

“And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when He overthrew the cities in which Lot had dwelt.”

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭19:29

Lot didn’t deserve saving. He fought back so many times, but God still saved him, and it’s easy to wonder why until we get to verse 29. Then we learn that it’s foundation was Abraham’s relationship with God, not Lot’s. It made me wonder, as a child of God, how much can my prayers influence the course of someone’s life? It’s a thought provoking idea that I think we should all consider. 

Choices

Choices. There are too many of them. For most young couples considering a family, the choice is simple: biological. But when pursuing biological children isn’t easy, then what? Adoption? Surrogacy? IVF? Embryo adoption? Then you can break adoption down even further to domestic infant, international, and foster to adopt!

Do you focus on one route at a time? Two? Three? How many options are you capable of juggling at the same time? There are simply too many choices. 

When we started the adoption process two years ago, our initial tasks included determining what situations we were open to seeing. Even more choices to pick. 

This entire process to become parents has been inundated with choices, and I think it almost gives us a false sense of control. But the truth is we have zero control. We can try to help it along, but we can’t control the end result. We can’t force a pregnancy to happen or last. We can’t manage our social media so that just the right person sees it. And we wouldn’t be able to change the outcome of reunification goals in foster care. We can’t control our desire to be parents, and it’s really hard. 

Social media has been especially hard, I think. How much should we share, and when does it become too much? How do we accurately  portray our personalities and characters through pictures and printed words? What is the best way to describe that our life may not be adventurous, but is safe, loving, and good? How do you promote yourself when you feel there is nothing new to say?

Every day there are choices, some are more difficult than others. While we still continue pursuing children, what choice will we make in how we live our lives? The choice God has been impressing on me is giving up my idea of control. Every day, I need to choose to give up the fist grip I have over our lives. I need to trust that God is so beyond capable of fulfilling every one of our dreams and desires. And every day I need to make the choice to pursue God first. He is the choice that will never end, every other choice will pass away. 

Having so many choices is difficult, exhausting, and emotional...but God is bigger.