Expectations

Expectations have been on my mind the last few weeks. Pursuing adoption means that every single day starts off with the expectation that we might finally be chosen. And each night those expectations go unfulfilled. Each year there is a growing expectation that we will have a little one in our arms by Christmas, and yet, we are just ten days away from our eighth Christmas without children. For my entire life I lived with the expectation that I would be finished baring children by my thirtieth birthday, and then my birthday came and went without any sounds of the pitter patter of little feet. 

Living under this constant level of expectation has been such an exhausting experience. What I’m starting to realize is that my expectation continually finds itself focusing on the wrong thing. Every single day is a battle to renew my anticipation for Christ. My pastor was recently talking about the Wise Men and the culture surrounding the birth of Christ. Their whole world was living in expectation of a coming savior and king. And yet, when the King actually arrived, so many of them couldn’t see Him for who He was!

But how wonderful it was for those who truly saw Him! Their world was radically changed by His arrival, and I’m absolutely confident that they wouldn’t have had it any other way. To consider the persecution His followers faced so gladly is such a heavy conviction. If I were to be tortured and persecuted right now, would my faith be so rooted in Christ that I would also choose to gladly suffer for His sake? Or am I too distracted by my expectations of children to choose Him over them?

A sweet friend of mine went through the heartbreaking process of carrying a sweet baby boy who would certainly die at birth unless God performed a miracle. As we fasted and prayed over her and her son, I remember her sharing with us about this great desire to numb her entire experience. How much easier it was for her to cope if she could distract herself for a while. And yet, she felt convicted to not allow herself to be distracted and numb. It was honestly a shock when she told me that she decided to stop watching movies and shows to distract herself. 

Sadly, her precious son did not spend much time here on earth with us. It can be easy to question God about why He could allow this to happen, especially to those who choose to follow Him. I have yet to find a solid answer for this question, but I have seen time and time again how God uses the broken pieces of our lives to help mold and encourage others.

As I sat in church this past Sunday, crying out to a God who feels so far away, I felt Him gently remind me of my friend’s determination to turn her eyes on Him in her darkest moments and call me to turn aside my anticipation and expectation of children and focus back on Him instead. Though without a doubt, my friend would rather choose to raise her little son, it has been amazing to see how God has worked through her testimony. She likely has no idea how her one decision has stuck with me over the years, and yet God was able to bring her back to my mind when He needed to remind me of His goodness. 

But to be honest; I’m scared to stop distracting myself. I’m scared to let myself fully sit in the present and process the many decisions we are facing. I’m nervous that allowing myself to focus back onto God and His plan will only fuel the anger that was ignited with Connor’s death. I’m terrified that choosing to forgo distracting and numbing my struggles will be the catalyst for my mental health to become non-existent. The mostly conscious decisions I’ve made this week have all been in favor of distractions because the fear of sitting in this darkness and being disappointed again is so intense.

I am so scared, but meanwhile, God seems to be whispering that He is capable of handling my big emotions. He’s capable of calming every fear. He is capable of steering my heart to be more in line with His will. He is capable and, more importantly, willing to bring peace and calm to my anxious soul. He is capable of wiping the slate clean. He is capable of being my rest on the wearying days. And all He is asking is, would I choose to expect Him instead?

Will I choose to expect Him to remain good despite my pain? Will I choose to expect Him to have a plan that is so much better than mine? Adopting would be fantastic, but isn't He worth more? Excitedly sharing Christmas with our children would be amazing, but isn't celebrating Jesus' birth enough? Having kids before I was thirty would have been great, but isn't He better? I could have kids, a husband, a job, and a home and it would all be wonderful, but would it actually even matter without Christ? It wouldn't. So despite my fear, I'm going to do my best to set aside distractions. We have two more weeks until 2020 is over, and I want to finish them well by choosing not to distract myself with shows. Is there something that God is telling you to give up? Won't it worth it in the end?