October can be tough in some ways. Michael's estimated due date (EDD) is in October. You might not understand why that would be difficult. The day he was actually lost should be more important, But getting to an EDD without a baby arriving is devastating. That day (though not many babies are actually born on their due dates) is a reminder of every wish, dream, and hope you had for your baby.
This year would have been his second birthday. Some days it is so hard to see other kids around his age and know that's what I could have had. I would gladly go through the terrible twos, if I could just have my baby.
My life would be so different now if either Rachel or Michael made it. Sometimes it's hard to accept that I may never know what caused me to lose them.
Now I have another EDD to "look forward to." And unfortunately it is right before Mothers Day. A day that already has been so painful will be compounded with the crushing pain of disappointed hopes. I'm going to ask in advance that you be extra patient with me on that day. I may just hide in a hole until it's over, but in your joy, don't forget the ones in great sorrow.
I do know that God had a plan, and somehow it is for my good. I also know that it's okay to ask God why. Though I don't understand it, He understands all. I truly believe that when we come to Him with "why me?" He holds us and grieves with us. He knows what it's like to lose a child. The God of the universe knows and isn't alarmed by how I'm feeling.
God can handle your "why"... He may even give you an answer if you're listening. It may not be the answer you were wanting, but that's where we learn to trust that God's best for us is incomparably better than any plan we have for ourselves.
I want you to know, if this is a hard month for you too, you are not alone. Don't let the isolation of loss overwhelm you. I'm always willing to talk if you need it.
