Our Adoption Journey - Part Three

Catch up here!

Part One

Part Two

And now the conclusion.

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I couldn’t have imagined our time together going better than it did. The conversation was so comfortable and easygoing. We discussed some important issues, but mostly maintained a relaxed discussion. Our agency mentioned several times how amazed they were that we asked to meet her at our home. They had never had a first meeting at the adoptive home.

 

The expectant mom got to see where this baby could grow up. We gave her the full tour, including walking down the stairs to the creek behind our house. Supper time arrived and we were able to eat outside in the beautiful weather. I was so glad that we were able to show her our normal life. We truly had a great time.

 

The most amazing thing happened as everyone got ready to leave. She told us that she felt even more confident in her decision to place her baby into our care because we had opened our home up to her. My heart felt like it could explode at that moment. We desperately wanted her to know how important it was for us to maintain a relationship, and her words confirmed that hope. It was still such a new thing, but I felt more confident than ever that we could have an open adoption, and we could do it well!

 

Later that night, I was struggling to fall asleep after the excitement when I realized that I needed to turn the ringer of my phone on. The due date was two weeks away but the baby could be born at any time. God must have given me some good intuition because just three hours later, at 2:45am, I got the call from the agency that they had just arrived at the hospital. They laughingly suggested that the walk down to the creek must have been the instigator. While we were still on the phone with the agency, we heard something incredible in the background. Just moments after making it to the hospital, the baby was born! My husband immediately called into the phone saying that he didn’t want to know the gender until we reached the hospital! In utter shock, we grabbed a couple of things and headed out the door for the hour long drive.

Driving an hour down to the hospital at 2:45am

 

Upon arriving at the hospital, we were able to check in with the baby's mom and hang out with her for a while. It was there that she told us it was a boy! When he was three hours old, the hospital allowed us to go see him for the first time. What a crazy whirlwind of emotions. He was absolutely beautiful from head to toe. It seemed so hard to believe that he might be our son!

 

Over the next thirty-six hours we got to hold and feed him and also spend time with his mom. I will cherish that time forever. And then the moment came. While she and his father had chosen us already, there was still paperwork that needed to be signed in order for us to be given guardianship. Up until the moment those papers were signed, his mom had every right and option to change her mind. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I was devastated that adoption was the better option for this sweet mother and son, and yet, I was terrified that it wouldn’t happen and he wouldn’t be our son. It is the cruelest form of joy.

 

Check out the cutest little milk mustache

I will never forget the moment that I received a text from the agency letting us know that his mom had chosen to go through with placing her son with us. It couldn’t be real. We got to see her shortly after and I was so nervous that it would be awkward, but it was such a beautiful moment of gazing at the son the three of us now shared. I reassured her that this moment wasn’t the end of her relationship with him, it was just the beginning.

Each moment we got to spend with our son’s birth mom was precious and so treasured. We quickly became Facebook friends with her and multiple other family members. I’m so grateful that our son will know just how deeply he is loved by family on every side. Every day that we’ve been able to stay in contact with his biological family has added to the beauty of our experience.

Levino with both sides of his family

 

Nearly every day I wake up needing someone to pinch me. Now I get to soak in the beautiful sadness that encompasses every adoption. I’m so sad for him that adoption is something he didn’t choose for himself, but I’m so very grateful that I get to walk through it with him.

 

Our first picture as a family of three

Somehow I still can’t believe that this is real life. That a family chose us and we actually have a child! We never have to wonder again if God’s plan will include parenthood. And now being on this side of adopting, I can see things so much more clearly.

 

If we wouldn’t have gone through those two and a half years of trying to connect by word of mouth, I know we would have signed on with a lower quality agency. I needed those years to realize the value of a consultant. When I found her, her business was still fairly new, and it was amazing that I found her even then. If I hadn’t found our consultant, we would never have heard of this agency. Without the generosity of friends we would never have renewed our home study, so we wouldn’t have signed on with the agency, and wouldn’t have been able to present or be chosen in this case. I believe that if just one of these pieces of our journey had changed, we wouldn’t have our son today.

Levino wearing the first onesie we ever bought

 

So many days I wondered what God was doing. But His plan was so much better than mine. So many little aspects of our adoption story are such tender mercies. Smaller desires that He provided when it wasn’t necessary. Our son is the perfect fit for our family, and I’m so grateful that God kept us on the road to him.

We couldn't be happier!

 

I know with so much confidence that God is good no matter what, but I’m grateful beyond words that He chose to display it by bringing two families together for our son. Our lives will forever be interwoven, and I’m grateful beyond words for this amazing chance to finally be his mom.

Levino Scott,
You are so deeply loved

Our Adoption Journey - Part Two

If you haven't read Part One - Find it here.

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  On December 23rd, 2020, we shared on our adoption Facebook page that we made the difficult decision to not renew our home study in March unless we are matched with an expectant mother by the end of February. We specifically asked people to share that post and the response was enormous. To give some comparison: we had an introductory post that we paid Facebook to share far and wide. We would pay to run the ad every weekend for up to forty dollars, and the best that post ever accomplished was eighty-eight shares. I was truly excited and encouraged that paying for the ad had such a great result.   However, with our post about our decision to let our time run out, we chose to see how it would do without paying anything to advertise it. Within three days the post was shared one hundred and ten times! Facebook estimates that almost eight thousand people saw it in their personal news feed.  These numbers are truly incredible to me. We were completely blown away by the support and hoped it would make all the difference. Sadly, no connection was found through social media.

It is still shocking to me that this post reached so many people

On New Year’s Day, we received a very unexpected call from our consultant. An agency who recently had given us a potential case had specifically asked if we would be open to presenting to a new case. They singled us out! I’ve never heard of that happening. We got to speak with the agency directly and eagerly said we would love to present. It was so wonderful to learn that we do have a local adoption agency that shares our values for expectant family support.

Over the next few weeks, I got to know this agency well as we waited for the mother to make a decision for her child. Ultimately, she chose to parent her baby and I was thrilled for them! Our time was running out now. It seemed our dream was at its end.

No one would have known that we'd just received another "no"

Then late in February, I received a phone call from a friend with a shocking offer. She said that she felt that our journey wasn’t over. If money was standing in the way of us renewing our home study, it would be provided for us. I was dumbfounded by this generous offer. 

We’d been trying diligently to walk through the doors that God was opening, and this was no different. We decided to accept the sweet gift and see what He had in store. Recently, our consultant advised us to sign on with agencies in addition to working with her. We decided to sign on with the agency that we’d just gotten to know and love.

Immediately, they informed us that they were working with an expectant couple that they thought might be a good fit for us. It felt too good to be true! When they sent out the official case, we immediately knew that we wanted to present our profile. From time to time, we would tell our family that we were presenting to a potential case, and this was one of those times. We knew we would have some of our best odds ever, and it felt like this might be our time. If we weren’t chosen with these odds, it felt like it would never happen. We asked them to pray.

Our profile book introduction

We sent in our profile knowing that the expectant family would be looking at it around noon. We knew that it could be hours or days before we found out if we were chosen or not. It seems pretty common practice within the adoption world that if you aren’t chosen you’ll receive an email. But, if you are chosen, you’ll get a phone call. I was getting ready to pick up my mom from the airport around 4:00pm, and needed to fill my tank with gas first. I realized that I’d need to go to the cashier to grab my receipt, so I went to grab my car keys and saw that my phone was ringing. It was our consultant! My heart felt like it fell out of my body. 

I rushed to answer my phone before I missed her and heard her immediately ask if my husband was nearby. Inside my head I was screaming, “There is only one reason she can be calling! This can’t be real.” She said the words I truly doubted I would ever hear, “The expectant mom chose you!” Right there in the gas station, I burst into tears as I confirmed that this was truly happening. To wait for three and a half years, constantly feeling that we weren’t what any expectant couple wanted to suddenly feeling seen by someone I’d never met! I will never forget that moment. 

As soon as I got back into my car I got to make the best phone call to my husband. Was this real life? I still needed to drive to the airport in the middle of my shaking and randomly bursting into tears. My husband sent a text out to our family group message.  “WE ARE CHOSEN!” 

My phone started erupting with messages that I couldn’t wait to read! I called one of my dearest friends with the happiest news and she celebrated in shock with me. Knowing that I was soon to see my mom, I dedicated my time driving to the airport to calling my three sisters to discuss our excitement. Each conversation began with a shared scream of joy. My sisters all had the same sense of overwhelming excitement. This is real, right? We even had a few family members send a text confirming that Mark was not joking. He quickly responded that this truly was happening and we finally had the news we’d been hoping for for years. 

Just the beginning of the text message celebration

I was still shaking intensely and couldn’t help jumping in joy when I first saw my mom. She was the very first person I got to hug after hearing the amazing news. She and I were both speechless for several minutes. She took over driving, thankfully, and I was finally able to see the massive celebration from our extended family. This was the moment we had all prayed for, but weren’t confident would happen. It was incredible. 

Two days later we received our first text from the expectant mother. I was so nervous to talk with her and the expectant father. They quickly put us at ease with amazing conversations about their likes and dislikes, family ancestry, and their desires for their baby. It was amazing all around. We quickly learned how many things we had in common and some of the reasons that they had chosen us. It was the most incredible time. And yet, it was such a confusing emotion to sit in. We longed for this to be our child, but how could we wish that decision on anyone? 

When the day finally came that we got to meet the expectant mom at our home, we were beyond excited and nervous. Would it be awkward? Would she still choose us? Would she decide that we weren’t what she was looking for in parents for her little one?

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To conclude in Part Three!

Daughters of the King

 The first nightmare I remember was when I was six years old. I remember it in vivid detail, just like most of the nightmares I have faced. For most of my life, fear has been my biggest struggle and battle. So many nights I am praying for a peaceful dreams without fear. But so often those nights that I prayed would be the nights that I would have the worst dreams! It’s hard not to connect those two. Does praying truly make it worse? I have recently been going through another season of horrible nightmares. It’s gotten to point that I’ve been terrified to fall asleep. 

It has been in this season that I had the pleasure of reading an early copy of Natasha Metzler’s young adult book “The Daughters of the King.” It is a book of short stories in a fairytale style that have a beautiful message of hope! They are an allegory of our relationship to our Heavenly Father as our King. In each chapter I was able to find different moments that I related to even now as an adult, but there was one chapter that spoke the deepest to me. In it the main character is dealing with a horrible monster that causes her great pain and fear. At one point of her story she’s battling this monster and all she can see is the horror. She doesn’t see anyone standing by her side. It looks like everyone has abandoned her. And then she cries out for her king to save her. It is in that moment that she learns the truth. Her king had never left her side! He was the one who had given her arm the strength to hold her sword. He was the one who was whispering assurances of his presence. He was the one reminding her of what she learned in her time with him. In this intense battle she was never facing the monster alone.

As I read these beautiful words, all I could do was cry. For so many years I have questioned where God was when it came to my dreams. Why did it make it worse when I prayed? Was He sending me these dreams for some unknown reason? It was so discouraging to feel like there were too many times that I couldn’t manage the battle. The imagery that Natasha gave touched a piece of my heart. I felt the desperation in the midst of the battle, and then the relief when she finally knew the truth. 

That night I had a dream. In the dream I was having a conversation with Mark about my concern of being partially controlled by demonic forces. There would be time I couldn’t remember. He nervously explained that my concern was correct and I did have a monster holding me away from freedom. He was able to show me the image that would appear when I was no longer in control. It was a tattoo-like image of Eve with the serpent in the garden. Immediately, and without fear, I knew that I was allowed to make a choice and I choice to remove the image one piece at a time by Jesus’ power.

I woke up with so much peace. There were things within that dream that normally would have scared me, but I felt so confident that fear had no hold on me, because my King was with me. 

Later that day I was sharing my dream with a friend and expressing my excitement that I finally felt a new freedom. We discussed my fear of praying over my dreams because it hasn’t gone well in the past. Then she made a remarkable suggestion. Instead of praying that I have no nightmares, perhaps I should pray that I would have nightmares to overcome. 

That night I had another dream. I was walking down a hallway filled with doors. Behind each door I could hear a scary sound. (You know how so much of a horror film is scary because of the music, right?) With each door I passed, I had the increasing revelation that I normally would be afraid by this point. And yet, I wasn’t afraid at all. I was able to walk down the hallway completely at peace. 

Dreams are strange to explain because the actual details don’t often make sense, but I, as the dreamer, can remember the emotion they evoked in me. I have never woken up from a “would-be” nightmare with such peace and contentment. 

I’m not sure what this means for the future of my dreams, but I’m so incredibly grateful for the reminder Metzler gave me that even in my worst nightmares God is still with me. He has never forsaken me. 

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You can preorder Metzler’s new book, “Daughters of the King,” here! 

Our Adoption Journey - Part One

We had nearly given up. We were weeks away from being done. But God wasn’t done with us yet!

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In January 2018, my husband and I started the home study process to try to adopt domestically. In order to be home study approved we needed to openly discuss some of the most personal aspects of our lives. We had to pay significant fees. We needed to have doctors give us a clean bill of health. We needed to do multiple background checks. We spent hours discussing every single option we were given for a baby. Were we willing to adopt a baby who had cerebral palsy? How about a heart defect? Major drug exposure? Were we open to any ethnicity? How about openness? I can’t even remember just how many pages of information we needed to sift through and make a decision on. Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to know that we could be saying “no” to a child who needed a home, but we knew the limitations we placed would be better for the child as well. 

Completing the education requirements for our home study

Despite all of the work it took to get through the process, we managed to get home study approved in just two months! Surely this meant that God was paving the way for a fast match, right? 

Months passed without any match. We had several connections that seemed like great potentials, and yet, still no match. We chose from the beginning to pursue a word of mouth connection, so we made social media accounts and business cards to pass out. It was a long learning process with our pursuit of a personal connection. We ended up changing the name of our social media accounts multiple times in order to better represent ourselves. We drove around to churches and gave them a business card just in case they might have a connection. Eventually, we even hired a social media manager who helped us fine tune our Facebook advertising strategy.

This verse inspired the decision to start preparing our nursery

We finally made a contact that we felt so hopeful about! Things seemed to be headed towards a match when we got the devastating news that the baby had passed away. It was several months later that we had our next real possibility. There were a couple of things that didn’t seem like a great fit, but the reason we were given for us not being chosen was that I was at that time on medication to manage anxiety and depression. It was so demoralizing to feel like no matter what I did, it was my fault we didn’t have children. 

So many days would pass between connections. It was hard not to wonder if we were on the right path! Without fail, the days that I would be at my absolute breaking point would be the day that God brought encouragement! Sometimes it would be the hint of a potential connection and other times it would be a reminder from a friend that we weren’t alone. We had so much support. 

We began with just a rocking chair, bassinet, and a blanket that I made

Another potential came along that we were quite hopeful about! It seemed that we were getting closer to being matched than ever before. And then again, the sweet little one passed away. I knew how common miscarriage was because of my own history of recurrent loss, but this stung in a different way. I struggled against the feeling that every child who had even a potential connection to me was doomed to die. I felt guilty for a baby that wasn’t mine to lose. This feeling was enhanced in the worst way. We made a tentative connection with a mom who was trying to decide between placing her baby for adoption and having an abortion. She chose the abortion. We were devastated. 

Holidays came and went with no evidence or hope of a child’s presence. And still, God brought encouragement every time I was ready to throw in the towel. I would ask Him for a confirmation that we were following His plan instead of our own. He never failed to bring the needed encouragement.

The first onesies we ever bought

For two and a half years, we rode this rollercoaster pursuing a word of mouth connection. We had discussed early on that eventually we would sign on with an agency if we hadn’t adopted yet, but I was still shocked when my husband said he was ready to take that step. Instead of signing on with an agency, I’d learned that we would probably be better off signing with a consultant as they work with multiple agencies and thus have a larger network. This began my search for the right consultant. We had one misstep before we found the consultant for us. She is passionate about ethical adoption, advocating for expectant mothers, and truly helping us as prospective adoptive parents. 

It was a new experience to receive cases with her and know that any case could be our match. But, time and time again, we weren’t chosen. Doubt kept creeping into my mind. Were we truly where God wanted us? Did He instead want us to pursue foster care like so many people suggested? Once again, I asked God for confirmation that we were supposed to be pursuing a private adoption, and He delivered! 

 Matching stuffed animals for both our future child and their birth mom

And still, getting to yet another childless Christmas brought us so low. We had frequently been discussing what our lives would look like if we never had kids. I was beginning to accept that God’s goodness was not dependent on Him making me a mother. He would still be good even if motherhood wasn’t part of His plan for me. It was a hard truth to learn, but it brought me so much peace. I was able to say more confidently than ever, “Your will be done.”

Another year, another Christmas without a baby

We knew our home study was set to expire in March 2021, just a few short months away, and we made the decision to not renew it for the third time. We asked for one last push on social media for a word of mouth connection. We prayed that God would work a miracle. 

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To be continued in Part Two

What I Didn’t Know

The depths of human emotions are so vast. I believe most would know that it’s possible to have conflicting emotions at the same time. I knew it was possible, but I’ve never known it personally like I’ve come to know it this week. 

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I can simultaneously feel happy and terrified.

Happiness doesn’t even fully express my joy! I’ve been a mom for years, but now everyone sees me as a mom! There were so many times that I wondered if this would ever happen for me. I am so incredibly happy!

However.

Over the nine years of my marriage, we have experienced so much death. We have endured the deaths of four children. It feels like my only personal experience with children is death. So, I look at this sweet boys face and frequently have to remind myself that;

1. He is my son.

2. He will survive!

I wouldn’t be sooo terrified to lose him if I weren’t so happy to have him! I'm working every day to change my thought from "he will survive" to "he will thrive!" I know he will thrive...but my heart is still trying to protect itself. This is an area I could really use some prayer. 

I can simultaneously feel calm and anxious.

There is basically nothing as calming as holding Levy close as he snuggles in. His very presence calms me down and keeps my perspective clear. This is just the beginning of a full life with my son.

However.

My anxiety is showing up everyday. Levy is in the NICU. He is doing well! But a baby doesn’t stay in the NICU for no reason. My anxiety screams that this calm I feel could be ripped away at any moment. Having to drive to and from the hospital is causing huge anxiety. I'm having flashbacks of my car accident 9 years ago. My anxiety screams that I might not survive the drive, because, my previous experience feels consumed by death, even though my logical brain knows that’s not the truth. It is incredibly difficult to leave the hospital with my arms empty, when this little boy is all I've ever dreamed of. The thing about anxiety is that in most cases, it goes beyond rational thought. Yes, he's in the NICU for a reason, but my logical brain knows that he will come home. My anxiety brain doubts it every day.

I can simultaneously feel elated and devastated. 

I still cannot believe that we have been given the biggest blessing of having a child, the sweetest little boy. It is positively amazing to see him grow and change knowing that I get to be here for every day. My life has been forever, miraculously changed! My joy truly can not be described!

However.

I am utterly, devastatingly, crushed for my son and his biological family. I’m so very sad that the only way for me to feel this elation is for another mom to experience such heartbreak. How do you thank someone for choosing to break their own heart like this? Levy’s birth parents are amazing, and I’m so grateful that we can continue to build our open adoption relationship. I’m so very glad that this is something I can do to maintain Levy’s bond with them. It’s just so important.

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I didn’t know that I could feel such opposite deep emotions. The only word that combines it all is overwhelming.. this entire experience has been overwhelming in every way, but most of all, in a positive way. My entire marriage has included trauma with our children. Just trauma. It’s overwhelming to try to process that adoption also includes trauma, but this time, praise the Lord, this time the trauma does not include death. 

Levy is doing well. Really well! He should be home soon, and then hopefully this beautiful life will finally start to feel real. Finally then, my arms won’t ache as I leave him behind. 

This process has been so beautifully hard. I’m so so grateful for the hard! My entire life has flipped upside down, and I can’t believe I get to reinvent myself as his mom. 

Please continue praying for Levy to improve so he can come home. Pray for us as we work through this massive adjustment. And pray for his amazing birth parents as they also adjust to this major life change.

Value

 Publishing a book has been a dream of mine for such a long time. I always thought I would publish a fictional piece. Publishing my personal story was never the plan. 

Writing Loss and Loneliness was a random idea that I didn’t take time to really consider. It was written in a flash. I was so excited and intent on self publishing it in time for my birthday that I disregarded the need to make sure I had done a good job. There were so many mistakes: typos, punctuation, formatting, etc. Yet, I was in too big of a hurry to even notice or care. 

I quickly realized how foolish I’d been. While the general story was how I intended, I felt so stupid for messing up my book in so many ways. Slowly, I fixed problems and had a friend do thorough editing. While I’m much prouder of Loss and Loneliness now, the blow to my confidence didn’t disappear. 

Writing Hope in the Wait seemed to go so much smoother. I took my time with it. My friend also edited it. I remembered so many of the things I learned before. It still felt like a struggle to get it to the point of being proud of my work. 

Writing, unlike my job, or singing, or basically anything else, is extremely vulnerable for me. While I’m not the best writer, the words I type are more than I would ever say. With written words I can bare my soul. Writing is the best way to open my heart. And that also makes it the scariest.

Hope in the Wait dives deeper into the mental battle I face daily. It displays my fear and anxiety for the world to see. It opens a window into the heartache that resides in infertility. And it’s scary to not know how it’s being received. 

Not only do I question that more than a few people have even read it, but more so, I question their opinion of it. Do they see me differently? Did the find it a waste of their time? Do they consider me a terrible writer? It’s so incredibly nerve racking to be so vulnerable, and frankly, my self confidence in my writing is extremely low. 

I fall back on the women who have told me that they were touched by my story. Getting those words of affirmation make such a difference! But I won’t be surprised if the vulnerability of writing will always crush my confidence. 

Please hear my heart in this. I don’t want to be annoying or prideful, but I know firsthand how important this is on multiple levels. Please review books. It is incredibly helpful to every author. Take the five minutes to make someone’s day. Reviews are a source that I can go back to anytime I need a reminder that my words and my story have any value at all. Reviews help me crawl out of the muck of broken confidence. Reviews show me that God is working through me, which is the most important. 

While it is not your job to write reviews, you have the capability of inspiring authors to write more! While it’s not your job to encourage writers, your five minutes can lift them up for years. It’s not your job, but it is a kindness that can be done with minimal effort. 

And in the meantime, I’m going to keep reminding myself that my value doesn’t come from my writing ability. My value comes solely from being adopted into God’s family. He gave me a name, and that name is also His. He has claimed me as His own.