The Battle Rages On

The holidays are hard. During the rest of the year you will see examples of people treasuring time with family, but thanksgiving and Christmas are the MEGA holidays where EVERYONE is celebrating family at the same time. It’s no surprise that there are more exciting announcements during this time too. How many of your friends announced that they were either engaged or pregnant? It’s just what happens during this season. And it is right now that people in my situation have a choice to make. And both options are difficult. It would be natural, and easy to slip into bitterness at life, but that will only make my life more miserable, not to mention the lives of those around me. Or I can choose grace. I think grace is truly the right word to use. Your friend isn’t telling you about her proposal to make you feel worse about being single. And my friend isn’t telling me that she’s pregnant to make me sad and despondent. 

Right now is the time to give grace to those who seem to have everything our hearts desire. God doesn’t have a finite amount of blessings to give out. Singleness and childlessness in our lives aren’t a direct result of their being given relationships and children and all the blessings being “spent.” I know I’ve said it before, but one of the best words of advice I’ve ever heard was “if God doesn’t want this for you, you don’t want it!” I have to remind myself of that every time I see another adoption announcement. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of why not me. But I don’t want Gods miracle for someone else. I want His miracle for me....and I know He has that miracle waiting for me! That miracle might not be a baby. It might not ever be a child for our home. But is Christ enough? My heart aches thinking of never being a mom here on earth, but if that is truly Gods plan for my life, I have to accept it as better than my plans. 

Every single day is a battle. A battle to combat jealousy. A battle to remember that the journey for that family is different than mine. A battle to consider how I don’t know the troubles others have faced. It’s a battle to stop thinking of just myself and what i think will make me happy. Every single day I face the battle of giving grace to those who have achieved my hearts desire.

The holidays make it harder to fight that battle. I have so many Christmas traditions I want to create with my children. It’s this season that you can almost see what life could be like. Man, the longing is deep. I want to hold on to the last unrealistic sliver of hope that we’ll have a baby for Christmas, but it is a battle to hold on to hope. 

I write all of this for two reasons: one, that if you are facing a harder battle during this season like I am, that you will know that you aren’t alone. Each day is a new opportunity to choose grace. Will you choose grace with me today? And two, that if you not fighting a battle right now, that you would be praying extra hard for me and others who are fighting. We may have run out of strength to pray for ourselves. Thank you for staying in our lives even when it is difficult!

To the person who receives my heart...

Organ donation has been heavy on my mind lately. I have always been logged as a donor, and that won’t change. What has changed is my perspective of it. Working in the operating room has given me the unique opportunity to see organs up close and personal. I hope I never lose my awe of it. 

With organ donation there are only a select few people who get to see the full spectrum, the sad and painful, and the hopeful and joyful. For the rest, they are stuck on one side or the other. 

I personally am extremely curious and want to know full stories. I know that if I’m ever in need of an organ, it’s unlikely that I’ll know the story that brings me a second chance...but I can change that for my recipients. Tonight I wrote a separate letter to the people who will receive my heart and my lungs.

It’s an extremely interesting job to take on. Writing a letter to a stranger knowing that you will be dead when they read it! Especially when death seems no where close to happening. What would you tell them if you had the chance?

My letters are and will remain private unless the recipient chooses to share it, but there were a few key points I had in both letters I’ve written so far. 

1. This was my gift to you because it was a gift to me

2. Live life fully! 

3. Feel no guilt- I place none on you. 

And,

4. Use this second chance to determine whether I will meet you in heaven someday. 

Each letter turned out so differently. They were both so personal in their own way. I so wish I could see the outcome..whether they even choose to read my letter! (There’s my curious nature again.)  

I know this probably seems extremely odd, but it was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever experienced. I acted on the idea immediately because we truly never know what day will be our last. While I hope and pray to have a long life on this earth, I’m so glad to have taken care of this task. 

If you were to write a similar letter, what would you want your recipient to know? 

Habits

Habits are hard to break, and new habits are just as hard to form. But it’s time. We’ve been having a lot of discussions about what we want our family to look like now, and once we have children. There are so many things we need to improve on as we continue to grow together as a couple. With the busyness of life, and the difference of our personalities, it’s incredibly easy to find tasks that only one of us finds enjoyable so we end up doing them separately. That is something we both want to change. So we are in the process of forming new habits and breaking old habits. 

We both tend to do things that are just mind numbing time wasters. For me more often than not it’s either watching Netflix, or playing a stupid, unnecessary game on my phone. So in an effort to break this habit, I have deleted all but one game on my phone, the only game I kept is the one game I purchased that can be played with multiple people. I just did this deletion project on Tuesday, and now on Thursday, I can already say that it has been very difficult! When you learn to expect mind numbing tasks like playing games on a daily basis and all the sudden you no longer have them it’s this overwhelming process of “OK now what do I do? “ 

I truly think forming new habits might just be more difficult than breaking the old. But it’s definitely worth trying! And I think the best way to go about it is to include things that you already enjoy that aren’t mindlessly wasting our time. So in my first effort, I have been working on finishing a beautiful book that I started months ago. *Check it out here! Seriously, check it out!* It is a book about how to wait well when God has us in a season of waiting. It is just beautiful depiction of how we can wait and truly believe in the goodness of God at the same time. I have also finally gotten caught up on all my Bible studies that I am doing with my friends! They’ve been very patient with me as I continually follow behind. And it’s been wonderful! Having the small moments of silence and contemplation have truly bolstered my spirit. 

Even just this morning, I was feeling down and concerned with waiting for a child, and weighed down by the demands of of my week at work and the process of of joining my family for a very unexpected and sudden funeral. The Bible study we had today was all about being filled by Christ and not getting our satisfaction out of worldly things. It reminded me of the amazing question a friend once asked me — if I would have Jesus as my priority even if He never provided a child for my family. And I want that answer to be yes! Another book I recently read (you really should check this one out too!!) was a huge encouragement in this! The characters chose the path Christ had for them even when it wasn’t the expected or necessarily the desired end. And they knew peace in it. 

A huge habit I want to break is my need for noise. I want to be able to rest in stillness. I think in our culture it is especially difficult for us to be comfortable with silence. We have this constant need to fill the void with music or TV or people or any other such thing that will prevent us from truly thinking on our own. Silence is uncomfortable for us, silence isn’t comfortable for me. Silence, in the past has proven a trigger for fear, in fact, for me. 

So how do we combat this fear and discomfort of silence? How do we grow in ourselves so that silence is a good thing, that silence is a peaceful thing, so that silence is a personal joy. My only thought and prayer is to see and hear God in the silence, in the stillness, in the increasing moments I choose to disconnect from the idle pursuits of social media and my phone altogether. I want to be able to focus on the relationships around me more than ever. I want to break the habit of being distracted by my phone so that any child who is added to our family knows that I care far more about them than the inanimate object in my hands. 

We have goals of habits we want to form together. Like weekly trips in the summer/fall to play tennis. And then biweekly trips to go ice skating in the winter (I have a long way to improve). But the one I'm most excited about is trying to become very purposeful in having time to read with one another. We have a lot of work to do, but I'm planning on enjoying every bit of it.

Are there any new habits you are trying to form for your family? Any you need to seriously consider breaking? Want to break them with me?

Surgery Update

Today was my two week post-op appointment. It was such a great appointment and I can't wait to tell you more about it, but first, my surgery.

So my parents and I made it to Portland on Sunday, and immediately set off for the waterfalls on the east side of Portland. Unfortunately, with wildfires recently, most of the waterfalls weren't open for visitors. We did manage to see Bridal Veil Falls, and they were gorgeous! Also got to check out the columbia river gorge. Truly a gorgeous location. Supper was delicious at the same thai restaurant that I visited in Portland last time! It was wonderful, and I was able to get extra meals for after my surgery. And then we visited the best bakery in the world! Back to Eden Bakery is completely gluten free and vegan (so the dairy free I needed), and it makes me feel like a normal person! I got a soft serve ice cream cone!! So good!

Day two included my pre-op appointment. Getting closer to surgery definitely was making me nervous, but my surgeon made me feel so much more confident. I think working in surgery gives me a huge benefit going in for my own surgery. I was able to understand everything that he was going to do and that just proved to me how right I was to make the trip to Portland. Once my appointment was finished, we all went to the Pittock Mansion for a quick visit. It really was a lovely home. And then we headed out to Cannon Beach! It was cool to see the Haystack Rock! A lovely drive along the coast and then back to Portland concluded our day.

Surgery Day! I woke up at the insanely early time of 4am and couldn't sleep anymore. I worked on my puzzle from my gift bag from a dear friend. We headed to the surgical center and got set up shortly with the nurses. It is a single operating room at this surgical center, so it was nice to have the attention of the staff being so focused. I specifically requested to not receive Versed, a drug that relaxes you but causes mild amnesia. The anesthesiologist agreed readily though it was not a request he seemed to get often. Getting the IV placed was definitely the hardest part. I've struggled with IVs and blood draws my whole life. My anxiety increased significantly with the first attempt but the anesthesiologist did the second attempt and got it straight away. We quickly proceeded to the operating room where I got to meet the rest of the surgical crew. My favorite part of the surgery is that I know exactly what we talked about. And I remember waking up and talking with the surgeon. He confirmed that I had deep implants of endometriosis on my left side, where I've had pain for years. It was such a validation to hear it from him! He was able to remove all visible signs of endo successfully. I never felt  groggy or unlike myself. I could even help navigate us back to the hotel!

Recovery at the hotel went fairly smoothly. I definitely had some pain and swelling immediately after. But we kept everything very chill and relaxed. I slept off and on for the next 48 hours. Dad had to leave the day after surgery, and then mom and I flew back home on Thursday. I don't know what I would have done without mom's help. She got a wheelchair service set up, and it was incredible. I so appreciated all the help I was given. Flying so soon after surgery was so difficult and painful. I was so grateful again to have my mom's help and to get back home.

Each day has been an improvement in how I'm feeling. And my bursts of energy have continued to increase in duration and frequency. Having my follow up today was so great! I went to my local doctor to check incisions and she immediately remarked about how great of a job my surgeon did with my incisions. We also had a great discussion about why I chose to go to Portland! She seemed genuinely interested in seeing the resources on the Facebook group "Nancy's Nook" where I learned so much about my chronic illness and also where I found my surgeon! The conversation was just extremely fun too as we talked about food in Portland! I truly enjoy my primary care provider.

Tomorrow is my first shift back at work after surgery! I'm a little nervous but really excited to get back to work! I know that each day will get easier as I continue recovering from my surgery.  The hope I have is great! I'm really excited to see how my recovery continues and am truly hopeful that the symptoms of my endo will improve. And I have gotten a lot of questions about whether this surgery would change our plans for pursuing adoption over biological children. Our plans have not changed. We are so excited to dive into adoption and we are still praying specifically for the miracle of twins! Wouldn't that be incredible?! We are so excited! Please keep praying for us as we navigate this, and as I continue to recover from my surgery!

Brave and Strong

If you have read much of my blog, you’ve probably figured out that I love the meaning of names! I just found out something pretty awesome about my own name, but more on that later! 

We lost Connor about 2.5 years ago. When God gave me the name for my baby, He also told me a few things about myself. He told me, “you are strong. You are brave.” Words that have never left me. Words that continued to encourage while I went through the darkest time of my life. They were and are God-given words of identity. Isn’t it amazing how God could see us that way? 

The past 2-3 weeks have been very hard for me. Life has just felt overwhelming and my depression has stepped it up a notch to try to match it. Depression is one of those things that seems impossible to understand unless you’ve been in it, but just as an example, I’ve been at the point of tears for about 5 days straight in the course of the last two weeks. Nothing specific was happening but I could not stop crying. 

An image I love for depression is clouds in the sky! Every day can hold a different number of clouds. Sometimes there is more blue sky to be seen than clouds, but they are still there. The clouds can be light and fluffy most days, but then they start to darken. The dark clouds keep building and building and block out the sun. The dark clouds can stay indefinitely. Sometimes you’ll feel just the tiniest of sprinkles, and the next day is a deluge. There’s no way to predict what trigger will make the cloud too heavy and start the downpour. Have you ever been caught in a deluge? That wet, heavy, exhausted feeling? That is my picture of depression. Those five days were pretty dark clouds with a constant sprinkling of rain.  It’s just plain exhausting. 

Within this current “rainy season” of my life, I received word from one of my dearest friends and fellow loss mama that she was experiencing another loss. My heart is aching just typing that. So many babies gone to heaven between the two of us. But no matter what we’ve been there for each other. 

My friend sent me a message just a few days ago about the name she was choosing for her little one. I don’t think I’ve ever been more honored than for her to pick my (gender neutral) last name as her child’s name. She also holds strongly the meanings for names, so she chose my last name in part for its meaning. I’d heard it long before but it had never sunk in: my last name means brave and strong (or powerful, but I’m gonna keep strong). A name I chose when we got married means brave and strong, the two words that God told me I am. I am not a believer in coincidence. 

And even more recently, after experiencing a very rough night, and dealing with anxiety for my upcoming surgery, another friend ended her encouragement with “you are brave and strong!”. She’s never heard any of this backstory. Again, I’m not a believer in coincidence. 

In some of the darkest times in my life over the past 2.5 years, there has come the whisper - “you are brave. you are strong. I’m still here. keep going. keep fighting. I have more for you than what you’ve previously seen. you are brave. you are strong.”

Do you know how God sees you? Do you let His view of you determine how you see yourself?  

I Need Not Fear - a Sermon

I've been going through my computer trying to organize what I need to keep so I can wipe it clean and start over fresh. In this process I found this document. It was my first (and only, so far) sermon from 2013. It's a long read (even after I abridged it for you!), but I still think it's pertinent today.

I Need Not Fear                                October 2005

I woke up last night with tears running down my cheeks
My sleep disturbed by the fantasy of my mind
Being too afraid to shut my eyes
Sometimes I question why I've been cursed with these dreams
Whether there's a true reason for my fear,
or if it's just part of my nature
What do my dreams mean?
Will my nightmares come true?
Will I see my friends die right in front of my eyes?
Will I hear Satan standing next to me?
Will this curse ever break?
How many times have I been told that with Jesus I need not fear?
But sometimes it's so hard to have that kind of faith
And other times I know without doubt that this promise is true.
I want to be full of hope!
Help me to remember your promise that you'll never leave me or forsake me.
I do know that with You, I Need Not Fear.

I was 15 years old when I wrote this. I remember it plainly. I was away from home and woke up in the middle of the night being absolutely terrified and barely able to move. For years, this has been my battle: Fear. It has been a daily struggle of mine to cope with my fear and live normally. And you know what, I have grown oddly comfortable in my fear. You see, I know what fear feels like. I know how to live in fear. And so I have allowed myself to remain in this bondage my entire life, because I haven’t been willing to fight against it! I have become apathetic about my battle with fear.

While I have remained apathetic about my personal struggles, I have become quite passionate about the struggles of others, specifically the physical, emotional, spiritual struggles of women in prostitution. I recently re-read Francine Rivers’ book: Redeeming Love. It is a story similar to Hosea’s in the Bible. The main male character feels God calling him to marry a prostitute and though she is given a way out and a husband with Godly love, she keeps running back to the life she knew. It was easier for her to rely on herself and subject herself to that slavery than it was for her to choose freedom with Christ.

As I was reading this book I was just heartbroken for the women that I have personally met who are lost in this captivity. After I finished the book, late one night, I woke up at 3:30am with one phrase repeating in my head.

“Everyone is enslaved to something.”

Defiant Hope

“Sometimes I think hope is an act of defiance, one that God wants us to boldly commit. It’s daring to believe in spite of our losses, in spite of our disappointments. It’s refusing to throw away our confidence and trusting God to reward us because we don’t. It’s daring not to give up and instead, to get our hopes up anyway.”

• Christine Caine

This was in my devotional this morning and it was so good! I love this so much! Our world is so dark, and there is so much sadness and hurt. Hope can seem foolish, but I am gonna hold on to the idea that it is defiant! It is not letting the world define who I am, or how I live my life. 

It is boldly declaring that my God is bigger than any circumstance I might face. That my God uses us in our circumstances. That my God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine! That my God knows better than I do what is in my best interest. It is an undying reassurance that my God will not turn away from hard questions. My God will come closer in the hard times.  Defiant hope is what makes me know that God has children out there that He wants us to love on. 

In the deepest moments of loss and pain, hope is what keeps me going. Hope that the babies I’ve lost have enjoyed the perfection of heaven. Hope that my losses will not destroy me. Hope that my story does not end with loss. Hope that my life will include the pattering of little feet. 

I’m choosing to live with defiant hope that my children are out there somewhere. What do you need to live for with defiant hope?

Grateful

This year I’ve started a new habit of doing Bible studies with friends in the you version app. I’ve love the motivation and accountability it has given me. I have spent so much more time in the Word than probably any other year. Every once and a while, something in the study will hit me, and today, this was it! 

• “I praise you, Sovereign Lord, for bringing good from life’s hard times and for allowing me to experience the wilderness for my good and your glory.”

I loved this! Thanking God for our trials because they were for our good and His glory. That’s definitely something I try to do. It may seem crazy, but I don’t think I would want any different outcome for my life so far. Going through four miscarriages has been the most difficult season one my life, but if just one of my pregnancies lasted, I wouldn’t have four babies waiting for me. The timing wouldn’t have worked. And I wouldn’t trade a single one of them. I rejoice in the fact that they each have a name and a personality, and I still am their mother. I will get to meet them one day! 

Going through the heartache of losing them has made me a much better person. There have been so many times I have questioned people inappropriately just because I am curious. Now I’ve been on the opposite side and know how painful those questions can be. I’m still curious, and I still have to fight back those questions, but I have such a heart for those who have gone through similar circumstances, so the fight is worth it! 

Going through my losses has given me a much greater perspective on being a parent. I’ll have rough days, but I pray that God would never let me forget the journey it took to become a parent. God allowing my trials has given me such an appreciation for one day hearing a little voice call me Mom. 

Waiting for what seems like an eternity to meet my baby helps me remember to give our birthmom space. Her time in the hospital will be her only time being the only mom. Those will be her memories, and I can imagine it would feel like an eternity to not have your baby with you every day. 

Because I have lost children, I am so much more in awe of birth parents who see their situation and recognize that adoption is the better option for their little one. That kind of sacrifice can only come from the deepest of love.

So yes, I am grateful for my losses and trials. I’m grateful that God has a plan. I am grateful that somewhere out there is a baby that God is preparing for us. I’m grateful that somewhere out there are birth parents that God is calling us to love. The waiting is hard, and sometimes sad, but it will be so worth it in the end. 

In the Waiting

We’ve truly just begun our journey in the practical sense. Yet, I’ve truly been waiting for this time my whole life! I always knew that it could take years to actually adopt, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to see that time stretched out before me. 

The reality is that we have no true way of knowing how long it will be before we have our child in our arms. This is difficult for me. I’m a strong planner! I like to know how my near future is going to play out as best as I can. 

If we were connected with a birth mom who still had a couple of months left of pregnancy, we would have a little time to prepare and make arrangements, and that would be wonderful. But I have a gut feeling that we are going to get a “stork drop”, which means we will find out about the right before the baby is born or at some point after. It could even be weeks after baby is born and all the sudden we have a child in our home! It sounds exhilarating and terrifying!! 

I think in a lot of ways I would prefer the stork drop. We wouldn’t have months of building hope tampered by the knowledge that mama could decide to parent her baby. With a stork drop, the decision has already been made. 

I think what I’m coming to grasp more fully is that going through adoption is just as much of an emotional rollercoaster as going through pregnancy was for me. Only this time I don’t have to deal with the physical trauma. 

The rollercoaster all comes down to hope. With our pregnancies, MMM always felt more hopeful than I did. I had hope in my first pregnancy. I thought my gut feeling must have been wrong! I always knew I wouldn’t have biological children, but I assumed that meant I wouldn’t get pregnant. I had no concern of miscarriage. After we lost Rachel, my hope was gone. Each pregnancy after her was tinged with resignation. Even after my ultrasound with Connor, my hope didn’t improve much. 

Adoption for me is different. I have absolute confidence that God has called us to adoption. I know God has children for us in some way. Where I lack hope is in the waiting. I want to have patience in Gods timing. 

I’m part of a national support group on Facebook, and I have seen multiple couples adopting out of Utah! It’s hard to not feel discouraged that we missed out on a baby in our area, but I know that we only want the baby that God has planned for us. He has a purpose for those families that we won’t not be able to fulfill if that baby had come to us instead. 

Please be praying for us. For the right situation to come to our attention. For peace and patience in the waiting. For continued hope in God’s timing. 

You are my Hero

I don’t know you yet but you are my hero. 

This world has given you options but you are considering making someone else a parent. 

Our son or daughter will always know how
brave you are. 

They will know that they are
loved beyond measure.

 They will know that they have
always been wanted

They will know that you chose to give them life.

 We will remind them that you chose what was in their best interest. 

I pray that they will get the opportunity to
experience growing up knowing you personally. 

I so hope that you will want to
become part of our family too. 

As much as I desire to know you and love you, 

I recognize that that may be hard for you.

 I will honor and respect the decision you make, 

and our love for you will never end.

Thank you for being a hero. 

You are creating a family bound by love. 

We are so eager to meet you. 

Are We Worthy?

We got to see a 13 page draft of our completed home study! We were asked to note any incorrect information and she would send us the official signed copy. 

Reading it was really interesting. I’ve had many people comment on how hard it must be to feel like we are being assessed and judged on our worthiness to be parents. I never felt judged until I read our draft. 

It’s kind of a strange thing to describe. I agree with everything said 100%! The caseworker as well as our references truly captured us as we are. I feel very accurately displayed, but I think that is inherently where the discomfort lies.. displayed. 

We see our own strengths and weaknesses, but we don’t want anyone else to see them. It seems silly, but to have it noted that I can be disorganized was hard for me. I have always been disorganized. I freely discuss how much it is a part of my daily habits. In fact, I’ve become way more organized as an adult, but it’s still a weakness. Having my disorganization be a topic of discussion made it feel like a much more vulnerable thing. 

And that’s when MMM said something profound. Just imagine being at the final judgement of a righteous God who knows every single evil thing we have ever done. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will. But here’s the glorious part! Despite every evil thought, word, action, intent, etc.. we have a savior who has already paid the penalty! In my human existence, the final judgement is terrifying, but with Christ I am completely redeemed and rescued. I don’t have to be afraid.

I wasn’t expecting to have a strong reaction to reading our home study draft. I’m really glad that I got to experience that though. It has given me a much greater appreciation for the redemption of our loving savior. 

Home Study

We did it. We made it through the home study process. We submitted all the paperwork and we’ve had all the interviews. The only thing we need is the official paperwork, which we expect to have in a week. 

This process has been remarkably fast. Our caseworker said it’s almost unheard of to get the background checks finished in three weeks. We got the paperwork packet on January 12, 2018. I mentioned to a few people that I really wanted to be done in two months. They said not to hold my breath. A month and a half later, we are done. I truly think God moved miraculously with the background checks coming back so quickly. 

I’ve had a month and a half of at least some control in the process, but that all ends now. I can do my best to get the word out that we want to adopt, but I have absolutely no control over someone choosing us to parent their child/children (would you pray for twins for me?? ☺️). 

I know that we are surrounded by people who care about us, who will keep us in mind if they hear of a situation. In fact, our case worker said we are particularly fortunate to have so many friends out of state! I know that we have an amazing support system in place. I’m just so anxiously excited to meet the prospective birth parents who want to be part of our family. I’ve had a gut feeling that time is short until we have a baby in our arms. I still need patience for however long it takes. 

If you hear of anyone who is looking into adoption, please tell them about us! We might just be the perfect fit. 

See more of our story here.  And you can email us for more information at MakeUsParents1@gmail.com

Girls Trip

I had the opportunity this last month to take a girls trip to California with J, and it was a blast! We headed on the road to Vegas around noon so we could see the city that night. I’ve never been there before, and I’m glad I went. Now I know that I don’t really want to go again. There were a few things I liked though. Eating at In-N-Out is always a favorite! And the buildings were truly beautiful!

The water show at the Bellagio was cool!

 There were several things I didn't like about Vegas. It is called Sin City for a reason, but I didn't really know how badly my senses would be accosted with the demeaning of women. It really bothered me, so much so that I know I'll never be going back to the strip again.

The next day was better, however! J and I went to the Hoover Dam for the first time. It was absolutely massive. It's truly amazing how they were able to construct it. The heights were a bit scary at times, but it was so cool to see!

This was inside the power plant.
Those turbines continued another
40 feet under the ground!

So glad we didn't have to drive this bridge!

 After the Hoover Dam, we drove on to California! The main reason we made the trip at this time was specifically to go to an event with our favorite podcast hosts! The show was so much fun. I laughed so much. And finally being able to meet them in person was such a thrill. My favorite part is that they knew who I was as soon as I said my name. I've talked to them so many times on the phone, it truly feels like we are friends.

The party has begun!

We were in the second row! It was so fun to be so close.

We enjoyed meeting Jason Gray. His music was such a good fit for the show.

We met them!! Here are Brant and Sherri! Seriously, I'm still so excited to have met them. 

After the show, it was time to make our way to Laguna Beach to stay with J's family. They had a lovely home just a couple blocks from the beach. We spent a good portion of our day in California on the beach with good food (Whole Foods is the bomb) and Brant's great book!

We really had such a good time!

As a thank you for staying at their house, J and  I made supper! I was quite pleased with how it turned out. And afterwards, we got to go bowling! It was so much fun! I'm truly terrible at it, but I love it anyway.  I happened to have a fantastic streak of 7 gutter balls in a row before they got the bumpers going for me. Hehe. I did have a few strikes that didn't touch the bumpers at all though. So, I think I got better with time.

We left the next morning around 4am, and I'm happy to say that I finally drove in California. And yes, I'm the one who chose 4am so I didn't have to worry about traffic. It was a long drive back to Salt Lake, but we spent a lot of it listening to our new Jason Gray cds. It's hard to beat a road trip!


P.S. You should totally check out Brant Hansen's podcast at www.branthansen.com

The Spiritual Impact of being an Empath

I know that this post might seem a little crazy to some, but I’m only going to describe my own  experiences. If you don’t think it’s possible to feel the presence of the spiritual world, you may not want to read further. 😜

As a young child I would have dreams. I remember a dream I had when I was around 5-6. It was all about my mom dying and becoming a ghost. It was terrifying. I can remember countless nightmares for you right now. Pretty much all of them had some element of the spiritual world. My most common dreams were about the end times described in Revelations. 

I’ve always been extremely aware of the  presence of the spiritual world. For me it is almost tangible, like a thickness in the air. Before I was adopted into God’s family at age ten, I remember that tangible feeling always containing the element of fear. 

As I grew in my faith I started learning how to protect myself from this spiritual fear. The absolute power of speaking the name of Jesus Christ is undeniable. The entire thickness in the air disappears immediately, and peace comes in like a smooth breeze. I started having more dreams about the greatest of God, of being in heaven with Him. I started feeling very clear words that God wanted me to speak to others. I’ve been in awe of how many times the words coming out of my mouth are not words that I want to be speaking. For instance, telling someone to not let me pressure them to do a project quickly, and all I wanted was to tell them to do it immediately! 

Being an empath means that I’m intuitively aware of my surroundings, and I think that is most interestingly represented with my dreams. I remember having a dream about the location of a book my sister hid from me. Low and behold, I checked there the next morning and there it was! (She wasn’t very happy with me! 😜) What I have become known for is the incredible dreams I have about pregnancies around me! Immediately, without any thought, I know of four dreams that sisters and friends were pregnant! Each time they had been waiting to tell me for various reasons. I’ve also had multiple dreams about pregnancies that accurately predicted gender! In fact, to date, I’ve only had one gender based dream that has not come to pass.

My favorite thing about being a spiritual empath is that God has named all my kids. You can read those stories in-depth here: Named By God

I’ve loved learning more what it means to be an empath. Would you consider yourself an empath like me?

The Emotional Aspects of being an Empath

It has only been the last few years that I’ve known the word “empath”, but it is something that I’ve always known was a part of me.

As a young child I would leave the room when a scene on tv would include embarrassment for one of the stars. It would make me feel sick to my stomach. If I was forced to stay in the room and watch (like at a movie theater) the sick feeling would linger for a significant portion of the movie.  

I was extremely sensitive to any sort of scary event/movie. I’ve always hated Halloween. I would only need a slight provocation to have incredibly disturbing nightmares. And they were so detailed and extreme that I still remember them clearly. In fact the first nightmare I remember specifically was probably from 6 years old. 

I’ve always unknowingly mimicked body language and immediately will tear up when someone shares a difficult experience with me. 

Any discussion involving cruelty to animals, children, the vulnerable, has filled me with such horror that it is hard to move past it. 

Almost all of these examples create physical symptoms that can last a very long time. And most of them are exclusively events happening to those outside of myself. And all of these examples are true to this day! (I like to fast forward embarrassing moments during movies, or leave the room even still!)

I feel extremely deeply about the concerns of others, but more often than not am considerably apathetic about things pertaining to my concerns. It feels strange for me to say that because I obviously (if you’ve read my blog at all) feel very deeply about my losses, but beyond that, I’m struggling to think of something that would also qualify as caring deeply about my own concerns. 

In fact, I’m not feeling well today, but I’m exceedingly more upset by the whimpers coming from my pup who had shots today. It kills me to know he’s in pain and I can’t fix it. 

I have often wondered why I am an empath, and truly where the line is between controlling the tendency and the tendency controlling me. Am I doing myself a disservice by allowing myself ways out of this discomfort? Examples being skipping movie scenes, or making MMM take Thor to the vet. Would I become stronger personally if I forced myself to work through those emotions? Or would the effort be too much and lead me to becoming more cold and apathetic to others in order to protect myself? I honestly don’t know. 

I do think there’s great advantages to being an empath though! I believe that being an empath allows me to see the needs of others in ways others struggle to do. This is truly an honor! Nothing is more satisfying to me than to know that I lightened someone else’s burden by taking some of it on myself. 

I believe that being an empath has played a huge role in my heart for adoption! What an amazing privilege to give children a home where they are loved no matter what.  I believe it has influenced my great desire to adopt a sibling group! Fewer families are open to adopting siblings, and I can think of few greater horrors than being separated from the only family you have left. I am so blessed to have a husband who has an open heart for these little ones too! 

Over all, I think becoming more aware of my limitations as an empath will help me be the best empath I can be. 

Coming next: the Spiritual aspects of being an Empath

Adoption

“People say it will be hard...and I know it will be..but it will be worth it.”

He reached over and asked to hold my hand. “Would you be my girlfriend?”

Almost exactly seven years ago, a conversation about adoption proceeded the question I’d been dying to hear. I still remember the tingling butterfly sensation as I told him yes,(but would he ask my dad? =P). Such an amazing moment. 

As we dated I remember having conversations about how my entire life I felt that I wouldn’t have biological children. I didn’t know any reason why I couldn’t, but still felt impressed with the feeling that it wasn’t in my future. 

It was a scary thing to talk about. MMM immediately agreed that he was okay with adopting, but wondered if we could try for biological first. I had no problem agreeing to that. 

We got married and got pregnant shortly after. I figured my gut feeling was just coincidence and celebrated what was happening. I read the stats on miscarriage but felt confident that they wouldn’t apply to me.

How naive. We never had the chance to tell loved ones that we were expecting before I miscarried. It was devastating. It was very similar circumstances with our second loss. We were no longer on the same page on when to try to have children. We would even flop sides on occasion. The waiting began.

Fast forward 4.5 years and we’ve gone through 2 more miscarriages and gotten a medical diagnosis that could be part of the cause. A diagnosis was enough for me to concede my dream of biological children. 

I know the adoption process can be an emotional roller coaster and I needed to make sure I was ready. We decided to wait a year from our last miscarriage. Then we decided to wait til I finished school and got a job. 

It has been nearly two years since my last loss and I needed every day of it. But, now it is time to start the process. 

Adoption is kind of terrifying in its unpredictability. Being a planner and having 100% no clue when we might be picked? Awful. It could take months, or it could take years. I have to be ready for both. 

Seven years of discussion has brought us to this point. I pictured my life very different at five years of marriage. We would already have a couple of kids, or at least be in the middle of the adoption process, not the pre-beginning. It is a hard adjustment to know that we could actually be married 7-9 years or longer before we can enjoy having children. It was always my hope to be done having kids by the time I was 30. Now I’ll be fortunate to even have one child by that time. 

MMM and I actually had a discussion yesterday of how, if we could have known how long it would take, we wouldn’t have waited. I’ve even expressed that thought to friends. If having kids is a big dream for you both, don’t wait. You never know how long it will take. 

While in hindsight we may have done some things differently, I’m still incredibly grateful for our story. And I am excited to see how this next chapter unfolds. There is so much left to do before we are fully in the adoption process, we would definitely appreciate prayers as we jump on the roller coaster! Let’s see what 2018 brings!