I would confidently say that I have always struggled with anxiety and depression. I’m not ashamed to admit that I take a low dose of medication daily to help manage my situation. I have experienced moments of hyperventilating, and great anxiety.. But nothing compares to my experience on Sunday.
I’d been dealing with vertigo for four days, ever since our road trip back from California. I was on the worship team, and physically I was miserable. Everyone was so great and accommodating! I made it through both services but increasingly felt very unstable and just awful. As I was getting ready to leave I had another wave of dizziness and decided to sit on the stage and figure out a ride home. A friend came over and I explained I needed a ride home and she asked me what was wrong, and that’s when it happened.
I don’t know how else to explain it but that it felt like my brain turned off and I couldn’t form words anymore! And I just started crying and felt like I would pass out. I laid back on the stage so I wouldn’t actually fall over, and that’s when the full blown anxiety/panic attack began. There were people around me immediately checking my pulse, praying, and trying to talk me through my breathing. Everything became blurry around then.
Hyperventilating means that you are not getting the oxygen levels you need, and if it goes on long enough, there are physical ramifications. The first thing for me was the overwhelming sense of not being able to focus. I know that there were several people around me, but I couldn’t have told you who they all were. I knew that I needed to breathe, but I couldn’t figure out how to manage it. I felt like I was constantly a moment away from passing out, even to the point of feeling my eyes moving beyond my control.
The next major symptom for me was numbness, tingling, and shaking of my hands. This absolutely terrified me. I remember crying out that my hands were shaking and asking what was wrong with me! I remember asking whoever was holding my hands to not let go. They were giving me more stability than I could manage on my own.
It was around this time that paramedics arrived. At the beginning I’d waved off the need for an ambulance, but then I was too out of it to protest and I’m glad they did call. MMM was at work and was called almost immediately as well. He left a car load of coworkers at lunch to come up immediately.
I remember the paramedic through my fog speaking very clearly. He said, “I think you are having an anxiety attack, and we’re gonna get you sitting up now.” The calm assurance and certainty in his tone broke through to me. It’s weird to me how easily I remember what he said but couldn’t for the life of me tell you what he looked like.
There were multiple emergency personnel there, and a lot of them were talking at the same time. I can’t actually say how many were talking or how many I responded to. I still couldn’t focus. They put on their monitors while someone behind me was taking off my headphones that had gotten trapped behind me. I’m still not sure who actually did that.
I remember still feeling incredibly dizzy and unstable. But they worked together to shift me off the stage and into a chair and my body just relaxed and for the first time I could focus on the sheriffs deputy who was talking to me. He did an amazing job of calmly talking me through what was happening. He said that one of the first outcomes of an anxiety attack is having the numbness in the hands and then usually chest pain (I’d barely started having chest pain before they arrived) and then usually it would lead to tingling and spasms in the legs. Exactly then is when my legs started to spasm and I told them what a bizarre feeling it was. I asked them what my blood pressure was (129/92) and that helped me feel confident that I actually was okay (my normal is 120/76).
The rest of the conversation was fairly normal, and they just helped me back to a quieter room to wait for MMM to arrive and bring me home. I’m truly grateful for the ems crew who came. They got me calmed down so much faster than i could have otherwise.
But getting home began another process of recovering. The physical recovery of an anxiety attack is not enjoyable (especially while continuing to deal with vertigo), but it was the mental and emotional experience that I really needed to process.
I spoke with most of the people who were right there helping, and they filled in the blanks for me. I was able to thank them for their help, but that is when the embarrassment really settled in.
Why wasn’t I capable of calming myself down?
What should I have done differently to prevent the full attack? Why did I have to make a scene? If I had to make a scene, couldn’t there at least have been something really wrong with me?? Why was I so weak as to not be able to do the most basic life function of breathing?
Vertigo stuck around making it too difficult to work any of my shifts this week. It was too easy to slip farther down the hole and question the very core of my worth. Why should my employer keep me around when I constantly am getting injured or sick? How will I be able to care for children if I can’t even calm myself out of an anxiety attack? The vertigo on top of the anxiety attack made me feel like I was going absolutely insane!
But this week I’ve been reading the Old Testament law and felt once again the relief of being on this side of the cross. The refrain of “if he does X, he shall kill on ox..” is a constant in the law. There was no closure. There was no end to the sacrifices. As soon as they’d sacrifice for one sin, they’d have sinned again. And it made me just think about how great God’s grace actually is! On this side of the cross there is peace and assurance of salvation. The perfect sacrifice has already been made on my behalf. And God’s grace is big enough to get me through any anxiety attack, through any bout of illness. My physical weakness does not diminish my worth to Him. And He brings good out of the trials.
I have learned so much this week! I now have the knowledge to recognize an anxiety attack before it gets too severe. I know where my vitals can be while still being non serious. And I’m continuing to learn when to say no to situations I can’t physically handle. And I’m constantly relearning that physical pain and sickness is not my fault. It is not what I would have chosen, but it’s what I’ve been given, so it’s my choice to do the best I can with what I’ve got.
There have been so many who have helped me during and after the anxiety attack and throughout this nasty bout of vertigo. I’m incredibly grateful for each of you and your kind support.
And just as a side, I’m happy to say that I’m starting to see some improvement of the dizziness! Continued prayers for complete resolution are greatly appreciated.
