The depths of human emotions are so vast. I believe most would know that it’s possible to have conflicting emotions at the same time. I knew it was possible, but I’ve never known it personally like I’ve come to know it this week.
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I can simultaneously feel happy and terrified.
Happiness doesn’t even fully express my joy! I’ve been a mom for years, but now everyone sees me as a mom! There were so many times that I wondered if this would ever happen for me. I am so incredibly happy!
However.
Over the nine years of my marriage, we have experienced so much death. We have endured the deaths of four children. It feels like my only personal experience with children is death. So, I look at this sweet boys face and frequently have to remind myself that;
1. He is my son.
2. He will survive!
I wouldn’t be sooo terrified to lose him if I weren’t so happy to have him! I'm working every day to change my thought from "he will survive" to "he will thrive!" I know he will thrive...but my heart is still trying to protect itself. This is an area I could really use some prayer.
I can simultaneously feel calm and anxious.
There is basically nothing as calming as holding Levy close as he snuggles in. His very presence calms me down and keeps my perspective clear. This is just the beginning of a full life with my son.
However.
My anxiety is showing up everyday. Levy is in the NICU. He is doing well! But a baby doesn’t stay in the NICU for no reason. My anxiety screams that this calm I feel could be ripped away at any moment. Having to drive to and from the hospital is causing huge anxiety. I'm having flashbacks of my car accident 9 years ago. My anxiety screams that I might not survive the drive, because, my previous experience feels consumed by death, even though my logical brain knows that’s not the truth. It is incredibly difficult to leave the hospital with my arms empty, when this little boy is all I've ever dreamed of. The thing about anxiety is that in most cases, it goes beyond rational thought. Yes, he's in the NICU for a reason, but my logical brain knows that he will come home. My anxiety brain doubts it every day.
I can simultaneously feel elated and devastated.
I still cannot believe that we have been given the biggest blessing of having a child, the sweetest little boy. It is positively amazing to see him grow and change knowing that I get to be here for every day. My life has been forever, miraculously changed! My joy truly can not be described!
However.
I am utterly, devastatingly, crushed for my son and his biological family. I’m so very sad that the only way for me to feel this elation is for another mom to experience such heartbreak. How do you thank someone for choosing to break their own heart like this? Levy’s birth parents are amazing, and I’m so grateful that we can continue to build our open adoption relationship. I’m so very glad that this is something I can do to maintain Levy’s bond with them. It’s just so important.
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I didn’t know that I could feel such opposite deep emotions. The only word that combines it all is overwhelming.. this entire experience has been overwhelming in every way, but most of all, in a positive way. My entire marriage has included trauma with our children. Just trauma. It’s overwhelming to try to process that adoption also includes trauma, but this time, praise the Lord, this time the trauma does not include death.
Levy is doing well. Really well! He should be home soon, and then hopefully this beautiful life will finally start to feel real. Finally then, my arms won’t ache as I leave him behind.
This process has been so beautifully hard. I’m so so grateful for the hard! My entire life has flipped upside down, and I can’t believe I get to reinvent myself as his mom.
Please continue praying for Levy to improve so he can come home. Pray for us as we work through this massive adjustment. And pray for his amazing birth parents as they also adjust to this major life change.
