Surgery Update

Today was my two week post-op appointment. It was such a great appointment and I can't wait to tell you more about it, but first, my surgery.

So my parents and I made it to Portland on Sunday, and immediately set off for the waterfalls on the east side of Portland. Unfortunately, with wildfires recently, most of the waterfalls weren't open for visitors. We did manage to see Bridal Veil Falls, and they were gorgeous! Also got to check out the columbia river gorge. Truly a gorgeous location. Supper was delicious at the same thai restaurant that I visited in Portland last time! It was wonderful, and I was able to get extra meals for after my surgery. And then we visited the best bakery in the world! Back to Eden Bakery is completely gluten free and vegan (so the dairy free I needed), and it makes me feel like a normal person! I got a soft serve ice cream cone!! So good!

Day two included my pre-op appointment. Getting closer to surgery definitely was making me nervous, but my surgeon made me feel so much more confident. I think working in surgery gives me a huge benefit going in for my own surgery. I was able to understand everything that he was going to do and that just proved to me how right I was to make the trip to Portland. Once my appointment was finished, we all went to the Pittock Mansion for a quick visit. It really was a lovely home. And then we headed out to Cannon Beach! It was cool to see the Haystack Rock! A lovely drive along the coast and then back to Portland concluded our day.

Surgery Day! I woke up at the insanely early time of 4am and couldn't sleep anymore. I worked on my puzzle from my gift bag from a dear friend. We headed to the surgical center and got set up shortly with the nurses. It is a single operating room at this surgical center, so it was nice to have the attention of the staff being so focused. I specifically requested to not receive Versed, a drug that relaxes you but causes mild amnesia. The anesthesiologist agreed readily though it was not a request he seemed to get often. Getting the IV placed was definitely the hardest part. I've struggled with IVs and blood draws my whole life. My anxiety increased significantly with the first attempt but the anesthesiologist did the second attempt and got it straight away. We quickly proceeded to the operating room where I got to meet the rest of the surgical crew. My favorite part of the surgery is that I know exactly what we talked about. And I remember waking up and talking with the surgeon. He confirmed that I had deep implants of endometriosis on my left side, where I've had pain for years. It was such a validation to hear it from him! He was able to remove all visible signs of endo successfully. I never felt  groggy or unlike myself. I could even help navigate us back to the hotel!

Recovery at the hotel went fairly smoothly. I definitely had some pain and swelling immediately after. But we kept everything very chill and relaxed. I slept off and on for the next 48 hours. Dad had to leave the day after surgery, and then mom and I flew back home on Thursday. I don't know what I would have done without mom's help. She got a wheelchair service set up, and it was incredible. I so appreciated all the help I was given. Flying so soon after surgery was so difficult and painful. I was so grateful again to have my mom's help and to get back home.

Each day has been an improvement in how I'm feeling. And my bursts of energy have continued to increase in duration and frequency. Having my follow up today was so great! I went to my local doctor to check incisions and she immediately remarked about how great of a job my surgeon did with my incisions. We also had a great discussion about why I chose to go to Portland! She seemed genuinely interested in seeing the resources on the Facebook group "Nancy's Nook" where I learned so much about my chronic illness and also where I found my surgeon! The conversation was just extremely fun too as we talked about food in Portland! I truly enjoy my primary care provider.

Tomorrow is my first shift back at work after surgery! I'm a little nervous but really excited to get back to work! I know that each day will get easier as I continue recovering from my surgery.  The hope I have is great! I'm really excited to see how my recovery continues and am truly hopeful that the symptoms of my endo will improve. And I have gotten a lot of questions about whether this surgery would change our plans for pursuing adoption over biological children. Our plans have not changed. We are so excited to dive into adoption and we are still praying specifically for the miracle of twins! Wouldn't that be incredible?! We are so excited! Please keep praying for us as we navigate this, and as I continue to recover from my surgery!

Brave and Strong

If you have read much of my blog, you’ve probably figured out that I love the meaning of names! I just found out something pretty awesome about my own name, but more on that later! 

We lost Connor about 2.5 years ago. When God gave me the name for my baby, He also told me a few things about myself. He told me, “you are strong. You are brave.” Words that have never left me. Words that continued to encourage while I went through the darkest time of my life. They were and are God-given words of identity. Isn’t it amazing how God could see us that way? 

The past 2-3 weeks have been very hard for me. Life has just felt overwhelming and my depression has stepped it up a notch to try to match it. Depression is one of those things that seems impossible to understand unless you’ve been in it, but just as an example, I’ve been at the point of tears for about 5 days straight in the course of the last two weeks. Nothing specific was happening but I could not stop crying. 

An image I love for depression is clouds in the sky! Every day can hold a different number of clouds. Sometimes there is more blue sky to be seen than clouds, but they are still there. The clouds can be light and fluffy most days, but then they start to darken. The dark clouds keep building and building and block out the sun. The dark clouds can stay indefinitely. Sometimes you’ll feel just the tiniest of sprinkles, and the next day is a deluge. There’s no way to predict what trigger will make the cloud too heavy and start the downpour. Have you ever been caught in a deluge? That wet, heavy, exhausted feeling? That is my picture of depression. Those five days were pretty dark clouds with a constant sprinkling of rain.  It’s just plain exhausting. 

Within this current “rainy season” of my life, I received word from one of my dearest friends and fellow loss mama that she was experiencing another loss. My heart is aching just typing that. So many babies gone to heaven between the two of us. But no matter what we’ve been there for each other. 

My friend sent me a message just a few days ago about the name she was choosing for her little one. I don’t think I’ve ever been more honored than for her to pick my (gender neutral) last name as her child’s name. She also holds strongly the meanings for names, so she chose my last name in part for its meaning. I’d heard it long before but it had never sunk in: my last name means brave and strong (or powerful, but I’m gonna keep strong). A name I chose when we got married means brave and strong, the two words that God told me I am. I am not a believer in coincidence. 

And even more recently, after experiencing a very rough night, and dealing with anxiety for my upcoming surgery, another friend ended her encouragement with “you are brave and strong!”. She’s never heard any of this backstory. Again, I’m not a believer in coincidence. 

In some of the darkest times in my life over the past 2.5 years, there has come the whisper - “you are brave. you are strong. I’m still here. keep going. keep fighting. I have more for you than what you’ve previously seen. you are brave. you are strong.”

Do you know how God sees you? Do you let His view of you determine how you see yourself?