It was a different situation only in the fact that I didn't have the innocent excitement at being pregnant that I did the first time. I had all the same symptoms, in fact, it was pretty much a carbon copy of how things went the first time. I did all the same research that I'd done before, and I found an online community that I eagerly became a part of, and I've truly learned to love it. It is a community of women in pretty much every stage of life, and they have some great advice and support there. Anyway, it was a huge blessing for me to have this community to reach out to as I was waiting to know for sure I was pregnant. It was a really hard time though, because MMM was off on a work trip for over two weeks!
So it happened that I knew I was pregnant, and I lost it all while he was gone. It was so difficult dealing with it without him near by, but I was able to talk with him online often. Right away, I began to think 'am I going to ask God for another name', and before I could actually ask, the name "Michael" starting pounding into my head. Seriously, it was like the name was written on a nail and someone was hammering it into my forehead. It only stopped when I said "Ok, ok I get it! His name is Michael!" I can laugh at it a little now, because even in the midst of the darkness of loss, God still managed to get me out of my stupor and respond to Him.
I looked up what Michael means right then and it means "Who is like God?" I love that..I really do. It has been very special to me that my baby boy's name is Michael. It was like God was telling me "you don't need to understand why, just trust that I have everything under control". That was amazing to me. The truth is, I don't understand why I've lost two little ones already, but I do know that God is using my story and my experiences to be a blessing to others. I can praise Him for that!
Immediately after I lost him, I felt pretty numb. I almost didn't believe it was happening. It is amazing the amount of guilt one can feel for not mourning 'enough'. I felt horrible that I wasn't as sad about losing Michael as I'd been about losing Rachel. But I just hadn't allowed myself to let the mourning start. It was about a month later that I actually started to cry and feel sad and deal with losing him. It was very difficult, and I really wish I would have let it happen right away instead of letting it build up inside of me.
Mother's Day came this year, and I could only be sad. I struggled (and failed often) throughout the day to keep my crying to a minimum, but it wasn't really working. I'm grateful for the wonderful family I have at church who helped me get through the day with patience and great understanding. One of the hardest thing I've dealt with (and still do at times) is just the worry that my babies will be forgotten by those around me. That their short existence didn't count for much. But I know now that won't happen. And even if those around me forget, I won't, and MMM won't, and most importantly God won't forget our loss and pain.
MMM was very sweet on Mother's Day and dealt with a weepy wife all day. But the best thing he did was go buy this beautiful plant for me.
My favorite part is that while it's blooming, it's blooming in two colors. The white changes to purple, but for a while you see both white and purple. So when we have a house, we're going to plant that, and every year when it blooms I'll see the purple and white and will remember my Rachel and Michael.
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