The day I walked into the nursing home to volunteer, I knew it would be hard, and I knew it would change me, but I never realized how much. My very first day I had to deal with something that nearly made me physically sick, and though it seems minuscule to me to now, it actually made me choose not to return and visit a resident. I am not proud of this. I found out recently that this certain resident passed away. I still feel guilty. I feel very guilty because I was weak, and I didn't allow myself to be a blessing. *sigh* But God has more in store for me.
I have had to deal with residents who are very bitter and depressed, some who are always angry. I have had to listen to stories and not know the truth in them. It is extraordinarily hard for me to find myself doubting what I'm hearing, but I do..sometimes I have to wonder who do I trust there, but then I remember that it's not employees vs. residents..they are all the same. They are equals, though perhaps sometimes not treated as equals.
The hardest thing lately has been working with adult day care goers who can seem completely capable, but have begun to get confused and have lost some memory. Having the same conversation over and over is now a frequent occurrence. It's just on a repeat cycle. I think I told one gentleman five times that I'm mostly German but didn't speak German at home. He simply doesn't remember asking me that question. And even today I was visiting with the sweetest lady and her mind was continually wandering. We would be talking about the flowers and she'd make a comment about her sister marrying someone, and a lot of times the context of her conversation would change mid-sentence!
It has been a huge reality check for me to see these people and realize that someday...that could be me...70-80 seems so far removed from my current 20, but time flies..it will seem like no time passed by the time I get there. I have a lot to learn about life. One resident burst into tears as he told me about his son who has passed away. As I rubbed his shoulder I just thought, what love this man has to share.
Meeting these people has taught me so much. I can see examples of how I want to be, and examples of how I don't want to be. I am faced every day with the very real possibility of losing a friend - a reality that they have known much longer than I have. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I want to live everyday for Christ. I want to do my best and be my best. I want to see God's hand in my life, and how He can use me to influence others lives.
Though volunteering at the nursing home has been difficult, I can't regret it. I'm thankful for the experience of learning from those who have experienced way more than I have. I'm thankful for the hard lessons I have learned. I'm thankful for the chance to meet these people and make a difference in their day. I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve. I'm thankful for the strength from God that allows me to be there.
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