Right now, I should be huge. I should be uncomfortable. I should be begging my baby girl to arrive sooner rather than later. I should have a nursery all made up. I should have my bag ready for delivery. I should already have quit my job so I could stay home. I should have a car seat already installed. I should have had a baby shower.
But none of that is my reality. My days continue on as they always have. Not even the tiniest baby bump to be seen.
I think it's hard for some people to grasp why going through miscarriages is so difficult, especially if it was early enough that it didn't even look like a baby.
This is a big reason why! From the moment I saw that positive test my head was already in the moment of nine months later. I started dreaming of what color the nursery would be. I started to wonder how much weight I'd gain. From the moment of conception, my baby had a life full of expectations in my imagination.
And then, in a moment, every dream I'd thought of was ruined. There would be no 1st birthday party, daddy daughter dates, first words, baby giggles. None of it was going to happen. When you have built so much hope and excitement to have it just ripped away, it isn't that you just lost a bunch of cells in this moment. You lost a lifetime of memories with a person you would love more than yourself. That is hard to accept. Each time it gets harder. And each time it gets harder to hope.
Ishael's due date will always come around Mother's Day; a day that is already incredibly difficult to get through. So I ask you to remember that holidays hold pain for many. Please don't forget those in your life who have struggled with infertility, miscarrying, infant loss, or even have lost their own mother. Please understand that while we may want to be fully happy for each of you who are celebrating this day, this day is a day of mourning for us.
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