I'm Not Okay

So many people in my life have been so supportive and compassionate this last month. If you were one of the many people who checked up on me and got the "I'm doing okay" line, I'm sorry. I'm not doing okay. But unfortunately, I seem to have very little emotional energy to talk to anyone deeply except my small group of women that have been where I am.

I hate feeling like a fake. I have always been extremely open about my life and what's going on. Some of you might think I'm too open. :P But being open helps me to get through each day.

So, I'm not okay. The couple times I've completely broken down, that has been the most prominent line. I'm not okay.

Right now I don't feel like I'm anything. It's like I'm dead inside. It's been just over a month since we lost Connor. The first two weeks after I was just numb.. In shock, ..denial. Then the third week hit, and it really set in. This is my life. This is my body that can't handle being pregnant long enough. And it has felt like each day is another nail in the coffin of Hope. Hope that next time could be different. Hope that we will have a family. Hope that I will ever physically be okay. 

All my hope is being buried alive. 

Four/five weeks out, I think I'm fluctuating between the anger and denial stages of grief. I have been so angry that I wanted to grab all our dishes and smash them in the driveway. I've never felt anything like that anger (side note: all of our dishes are safe). 

And it's scary to feel like you have so little control over your emotions. 

And on top of grieving for Connor, I'm still grieving for Ishael! I would be going into labor any day now. But I'm not. I'm not still pregnant with her, and I managed to lose another pregnancy within those nine months. I thought maybe, if I was pregnant for Mother's Day, it would make it easier. And it looked like I would be! But instead, I'm grieving two losses instead of one. Some days it's just too much. 

Sadly, I'm still not going to have the emotional energy to discuss this. Especially in person! I don't know why it's so much more draining in person, but it is. In fact, I really can't talk about it at all. That's why I'm writing it down. 

Please continue to pray for us. This burden is too heavy to bear alone. But, thank you for giving space as well. Someday I will be out of this pit, and then it won't be so hard to talk about. But for now I appreciate you letting me bring it up if I need to talk.