Rachel: Loss Turned to Gain

So, I have been thinking for quite a while about how I want to share this experience.  It is not an easy one to share, but I hope that God can use my story to bless someone else.  Maybe you have gone through the same struggle and you feel alone.  Hopefully my story will remind you that you are not alone in this at all.

A few months ago, I posted "Names" and "Name's Part Two" and discussed the importance of names in the Bible and also today. I shared stories of a friend of mine, and now I’ll share her last story.

My friend has several babies in heaven right now. Eventually it was adoption that gave them children. With her first baby gone to heaven, something special happened. She was at a Bible study when a stranger came up to her and told her that my friend needed to ask God what the gender and name was for her baby who was with Him. And that’s what my friend did. She asked, and she received.  Immediately, a name came to her mind, and this name has more significance in her life than I can tell you. But this is the story that leads to my story.

Many people probably don’t know this, but I have a baby up in heaven too. As it was, I barely had any time to be pregnant before I lost it. The pain I felt was the worst heart ache I have ever endured.  I didn’t know why then, but I think God allowed it and has been working through it to bless others already.  I didn’t know how to handle my loss.  To many people I’ve told, my loss hasn’t felt real to them because they never even knew I was pregnant. I can understand why it would be hard, but their unbelief just killed me. I needed them to know my pain, and they just couldn’t understand it.

Just like with any tragedy, or awkward situation, I had so many people trying to comfort me who were actually making me angry and upset by their careless words. There are still phrases that get me upset that people believe to be encouraging. One phrase that really got to me was “Don’t worry, you’ll see your baby in Heaven one day.”  I wanted to argue that they couldn’t know that for fact. I wanted to see my baby one day but the problem was this: I didn’t want to be encouraged. I wanted to be sad. I wanted to be emotionally distant. I didn’t want to build my hopes up for my future children just to have them dashed to the ground. It was a very difficult time for me (and still is sometimes).

But here’s where my friend’s story comes in to play. About two months after my miscarriage, I was just thinking about my baby when I remembered my friend’s story.  I was nervous to ask God those questions, but I figured I had nothing to lose. My biggest concern was it would just me talking to myself..making something up to help me feel better..not an answer from God.  But I asked anyway. I asked God what my baby’s name was. Immediately, I got a name: Rachel.  I was almost surprised that a name came that quickly! 

My concerns were taken away with that name, because I’ve never once considered naming my child Rachel. (Now if Eliana Mae came to mind, I’d know it was just me. :P) I looked up the meaning of Rachel right away. I was so curious because the name my friend had gotten was so significant. So I looked it up and Rachel means…sheep. Frankly I was disappointed.  It’s a beautiful name, but “sheep”? Really? But then the thought came to me. My baby is still innocent as a lamb and she will always be safe because she is already with her Shepherd.  A friend later reminded me that in Hebrew, words with “El” in them have the word “God” in them, so in my case, my daughter is God’s lamb. I really like that imagery. God loves her and has claimed her as His own.

That was such a comfort to me. It was in that moment that I truly understood that my baby is in Heaven. Our God loved her so much that He has given her a name. He allowed me to be her mom on earth for a short time, but now I will always be a mother. I may not have the physical proof of carrying a toddler around, but I am a mother, and no one can take that away from me.

One of the things I’ve learned in this process is how silence makes the thing we’re struggling with more powerful.  When I first was telling people about my miscarriage, it was so difficult and I could never get through the conversation without crying. Of course, crying isn’t a bad thing. It’s just not most wonderful thing if you’ve been crying all day like I was. Anyway, at first I didn’t know how to tell people. Bringing up the subject was awkward. It’s almost like the word ‘miscarriage’ is taboo.  The longer we don’t share our hurt with others, the harder it is going to be to overcome it.

Thank the Lord, there is a great community of people I’ve gotten to know who can relate to my pain. Of course I would never wish this upon anyone (on myself either), but I am so grateful to see how God is using this circumstance.  Through it I’ve been able to help friends begin the healing process, I’ve been able to help other friends understand better what I (and so many other women) am going through, and I’ve learned a whole new level of compassion.  A friend of mine had a miscarriage a few months before I did. I was so sorry for her then, but now I truly can understand her pain, and we’ve been able to talk with each other about it. That alone is a huge blessing. 

Though no one can see a physical change in me, I have changed in so many ways. Now I have a hurt that goes beyond words, but I also have the joy of being a mom.  I have the comfort of knowing another aspect of God’s incredible love for us.  One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that I lost her so early in the pregnancy that it would have been very possible to not even know I’d been pregnant, but I feel like God wanted me to know that. I wasn’t entirely happy about that at first, because if I wouldn’t have known I wouldn’t be feeling such pain. But now I’m so glad I know about my little girl. I may not be able to hold her in my arms, but I hold her in my heart. And I know that she is forever safe in my Father’s arms. That is truly all a mom could ever ask.

The art I asked my friend at Slightly Sprightly to make for me.