The Battle Rages On- Follow Up

I had no idea how bad the battle would be after I wrote my last post. Truly no idea. December was truly one of the worst months I can remember. I found out the hard way that it had never even crossed my mind that we wouldn’t have a baby by Christmas. I had not prepared myself at all for the possibility, so when we approached yet another Christmas without a child to share it with, I truly fell completely apart. 

But, what I can say now, being on this side of December, is I’m really proud of myself! I was not blind to my brokenness and I took steps to protect myself a little bit more. I said no to things that I couldn’t handle and I stuck to it. I’m extremely proud of myself for that. 

But what I found most amazing was how in the darkest depths God was still there. I had two really significant things happen, and I’ll try to keep them on the shorter side. 

Being at church in general was difficult for me because it was the one place I couldn’t avoid all the super cute families and disappointed hopes. So I was really struggling. I was in the worship team one Sunday and I was SO struggling. But then to increase the struggle I really felt God compelling me to speak up about the season being difficult and how even when we can’t say the words “rejoice!” God is still with us. So I did. I had the space to jump in and speak, and like always, I truly didn’t feel like I was the one speaking. 

However, afterwards I went circling down the drain of self doubt and questioning. Was I really truly hearing God? I was blessed to have an amazing conversation with several men in our church during the sermon and truly was encouraged to a degree, but I did pray and ask God to confirm it this time. After we sang the last song, a couple approached me and told me how God had used what I’d said to truly bless their family. I literally was almost on the floor in tears. It was like their arms around me were actually God’s and He was saying, “yes, you did hear Me, and yes, I’m still hearing you!”

I’m tearing up just writing this. 

Then the following week, in another moment of extreme depression I was sitting in our row just crying out to God that I felt invisible. That our dreams for adoption were invisible or at the very most completely unimportant to others. I was crying out with an feeling of isolation that questioned why more people weren’t praying for us! And in that moment.. -again, I’m tearing up here - a lady in our church sat down next to me and asked to pray for me, and pray she did! For me, for our adoption..for everything. And it was amazing! I’ve only spoken with her a handful of times but I knew that God must have truly been calling her to come over! I had zero doubt that she was God’s answer to my pleas. Because of her obedience, I truly saw God in that day. We talked more afterward and I feel closer to her now and I feel so blessed knowing that she had already been compelled to pray for our adoption journey. 

Man, God is SO good. Seriously, in my darkest moments His light shone through. He is still hearing me. My prayers are not hitting a ceiling. And in the bigger picture, my prayers towards adoption are not falling on deaf ears. He truly sees me, He sees and knows my hearts desire, and I absolutely know that His plan is to restore, not to tear down. 

I was just speaking with some friends about how difficult December was for me and in the course of talking, I so strongly felt the word “gratitude” come to mind, and through these friends God was showing me that this year of waiting has not been wasted. 

The homestudy process for adoption is extremely in-depth and difficult and it brought to light areas of our lives that we need to grow in and strengthen our teamwork in. And now I can see so clearly how our year hasn’t been wasted! The time building up our network has not been wasted. But most importantly, the time spent on building our marriage has not been a waste, and our future children will only reap benefits from it. While so much of me wishes we already had children in our home, my goal for this year is to move forward in gratitude of how God is working and moving and making us capable of being better parents. 

This will still be a struggle for sure. The only reason I got through December was God showing Himself so clearly, and the amazing support of my husband and others. Now that we are past Christmas, I’m now in the season that historically has been the worst for me. As I relive the dates surrounding my pregnancy with Connor, I truly ask for continued prayer. I am so exhausted in every emotional way. So please stand around me in prayer, cuz I don’t know how strong I’ll be to pray for myself. I’m so grateful for the years of support I have received.