Open Doors

This has been a confusing weekend for me on many levels. As you know, we've been going through some testing to see if we can find a reason for our losses. My doctor agreed to do an exploratory surgery with a few diagnoses in mind. I went through surgery on Friday, and everything came back completely normal. I'm still somewhat in shock over that discovery.

For years, I have thought about a few different diseases/disorders/conditions that just made sense. I had all the symptoms, I obviously have issues maintaining pregnancy, and it made the most logical sense that one of these things just had to be wrong. So, how do I handle hearing that I'm "normal". Friday, I didn't handle it very well.

I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario. I had made up my mind that we were going down a certain road, and I would be okay with it. And now? That road doesn't even exist! The road that I already considered myself on is nonexistent. Even though, technically speaking, being normal is the best case scenario, it is almost devastating to realize that what you assumed to be true, just isn't.  I have really struggled with self doubt through this experience. I'm so grateful for my friends reminding me of certain things that remain true in my life. So, yes, it has been a difficult weekend for me. And boy, does surgery hurt! :P I've never had surgery before, and I really had no idea what the pain would be like. (I think I must have a pretty low pain tolerance.)

So, as I've laid in bed all weekend, just trying not to move too much; I've had a lot of time to think. This is not the result I expected by any stretch of the imagination. But, that doesn't mean that it's not the better result. I don't know what this means for us now. I don't know what testing, if any testing, we will pursue now. I do know that I've started to feel just the smallest measure of hope that I didn't allow myself to feel before.

Another thing I know is that I have more to do in this life than think about children. So, with some trepidation, I decided to quit my job a few weeks ago and go back to school. I am so nervous that I will have left an amazing job for a bad one, but it is time for me to move outside of childcare, and find something new to love.

I've begun the application process to start the surgical tech program at our local college. Apparently, it's pretty competitive to be accepted, so I'm a bit nervous about that. As part of pre-qualifications, I need to be a CNA. I start my two week CNA course tomorrow (and if you think of it, please pray for me the next few days, as I am still very sore from surgery). I have a lot of things to complete before I can even submit my application, but I feel confident that I can do it. And I know that if I don't make it in this round, I can re-apply in a few months.

I'm so excited to be going to school and starting a new life. There are so many new experiences waiting for me! If I'm accepted, the program should take me 1-1.5 years to complete, including an internship. So far my favorite part has been buying my first pairs of scrubs. That may seem really silly, but it was a major celebration of a new chapter in my life. This is a new open door. And we have a new open door for our future as a family. I really have no idea what's gonna come next, but I'm genuinely excited for it to start.