With each loss I have dealt with major guilt. Maybe if I hadn't had alcohol. Maybe if I hadn't been eating food my body couldn't handle. Maybe if I hadn't taken ibuprofen. Maybe if I was at a healthier weight. Maybe if I was taking iodine. Maybe if I was taking progesterone. Maybe if I had eaten healthier foods. Maybe if I had taken it easier. Maybe if I prayed more.
None of those maybes change the fact that we lost four babies and there was nothing we could do about it right then.
What if I could have saved them by going to the doctor sooner. What if I decided too quickly to take the meds to process the miscarriage. Why didn't I ask for the second ultrasound pictures. Why didn't I look at our sweet little one when I could have. Why did my body do this. Why can't my body handle what other women handle just fine. What is so wrong with me that this keeps happening.
It is exhausting. It is exhausting feeling like I failed my husband and my babies. It is so humiliating to see other women walk by and wonder inside if they could have given him biological children. My dear dear husband has reminded so many times that he doesn't blame me at all, but I blame myself. It was my body that decided I wasn't going to stay pregnant. It was my fault. Right?
It's not my fault. This is something I would never have chosen if given the chance. If I could have known the one miracle thing that would have saved my babies, there is nothing in this world that would have stopped me from getting it. I didn't choose this. If it physically is something with my body not being able to handle pregnancy, that is still not my fault. There is nothing more I could have done to try to protect our little ones. Allowing guilt to ruin my life is not helping anything.
So I've decided that this has to end. Guilt has eaten me alive. Guilt is not what Christ has given us. He has given us grace. He has given us love beyond measure. He doesn't want me to be in this bondage to guilt. And He doesn't want that for you either. If you are His child your slate has been wiped clean and the chalk broken. God isn't casting blame on us.
Guilt is something that has brought be down to the pit. Lord, I confess that allowing guilt to rule my life is actually prideful thinking...that I can hold the weight of my decisions. Lord, I can't handle this on my own...I simply can't do it. I pray that You would break the weight that guilt has laid on me, and my brothers and sisters. Renew us with Your grace.
Sending love.
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