One and Only

Going through miscarriages tends to create isolation. Each loss is different, so no one completely understands your experience. And despite the growing prevalence of people talking openly about their losses, it still feels lonely. But there's another aspect of loneliness has been very apparent to me lately.

I'm the youngest of four girls who were born just 4.5 years apart. We've always been very close in relationship and life stages. There have been multiple losses within my family, and it has been helpful to have family members who can understand to some extent. Recently though, another nephew was born and I became the only one with no children. I'm so excited for each of my sisters that they have had the blessing of biological children, please don't get me wrong.

The feeling of isolation is very evident to me now. It is difficult for me to know that there are some bonding experiences that I will never be apart of with my sisters. While I feel hopeful that Mark and I will adopt at some point, that doesn't take away the loss of prominent dreams included with pregnancy.

I will never be able to discuss what it felt like to have the baby kick. My husband will never feel his baby kick from outside my belly. I won't be able to talk about the trials and joys of each trimester. I won't have any joyful birth story. The only birth stories I have are trauma. Again, I know that I may have some similar experiences through adoption, but that's not the same as having a baby shower where you dress to show off your belly and everyone wants to touch it.

It is just disappointing. And it's hard to get used to. It is really hard to feel like, despite every effort, I can't be in the same stage of life as my sisters. It does feel lonely sometimes. I'm grateful that they have been gracious and kind. I'm excited to adopt at some point. But we will see if adopting takes that longing away. I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that I'm not the only one who feels that way, and I really appreciate hearing that I'm truly not alone.